It is Christmas, and I'd be lying if i didn't feel conflicted about today, and the season, and the way we typically celebrate it.
Now just for clarification, this will not be a rant where I condemn the American understanding and celebration of Christmas. This post is just some thoughts I've been having the last couple weeks, and they will probably all be things you already have thought of yourself.
...
My status on facebook today is, "Merry Christmas friends! Jesus was born to show us what life with God looks like, what our lives should be, and to take our sins that we could not bear. Remember his love for you and others. You are loved and in need of such love! Thanks be to God!"
I mean those words, and I really wish that the way that I celebrated the Christmas season reflected that those words are what this holiday is about. But, honestly, I feel off because I don't see those words in my celebration of this season. And that makes me feel sad and kind of disappointed.
...
There is no one to blame but myself, but I very much let this season transition into being about 2 different things: excess and rest.
Rest I'm okay with. I think that rest is an appropriate way for me to experience these few weeks considering what just ended in my college semester and what is upcoming in the next. And truth be told, I've been resting but I've also been productive. It seems like, more than anything else, I've been resting from social interaction and have kind of retreated back to a place where responsibility is low and I'm pretty free to do what I'd like when I'd like. Truly, I am thankful for this aspect of my Christmas season. It is rewarding and gives me the freedom to be productive in ways I really value.
Excess, I think, is where a lot of my discomfort is coming from. I'd bet that many people in similar settings to myself would say that during the holiday seasons at home with family, there just seems to be "more" of just about everything. This doesn't have to be a bad thing whatsoever; after all, I do think that celebrating and joy is such an important thing in Christianity. Even still, I think that my experience with excess isn't always based purely out of celebrating joy because of Christ, but out of my own selfish desire for "more." That is prompts me to keep spending more and eating more and taking more and more and more and more. The thing that makes it difficult is that I've become somewhat aware of it, and that is what springs this difficulty; no one likes experiencing discontinuity in him/herself.
...
A lot of my friends have been using the phrase "wait and hope." That is an accurate way to think about this season, wait for in what you have hope. Either way, I think I'm aware I wasn't waiting for anything this Christmastime. As a matter of fact, there was no preparation on my part, no waiting, no anxiousness, no desiring for what is to come... none of that was present in my spirit.
...
I really feel impoverished by the lack of those things in my attitude towards Christmas this year, and those things are the focus of the Advent season. It may be safe to say that my mishandling of Christmas was prompted by my lack of involvement with the Advent season. Needless to say, I wish I had handled that better.
It is understandable, though, to be caught up in a fast-paced time and miss what is important; happens all the time. All that to say, no one is to blame and although I know what Christmas is about and should be about I wish I had given the season the demeanor and attention it deserved.
...
This time is about Jesus. It's not about me.
It's remembering and waiting and celebrating and thankfulness and joy.
Jesus did come. He was born do the best things that could be done for us. He came to do things we could not do for ourselves. He came to save us, because we are loved.
Show others that love, know you are loved, and know you are in need of that love.
I truly wish all of you a very very Merry Christmas time, full of love that brings joy and thankfulness.
...
Peace.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
By Faith
The Pharisees had one big, monumental flaw; they thought they were the source of their own righteousness. They were convinced and comfortable with the understanding that their lives and their adherence to the law is what made them righteous.
Well. If Jesus and Paul don't have something to say about that...
...
Paul makes a very influential and well-known distinction about righteousness in Romans. He goes back and talks about Abraham, the man who was willing to sacrifice his own son at the request of God. Paul explains that it was Abraham's faith that imparted righteousness to him.
Now, before we go any further let's really make sure we've wrapped our minds around that.
"Faith = Righteousness."
He does not say that "The Law = Righteousness." Nor does he say "Action = Righteousness"
"Abraham believed the Lord, and it was credited to him as righteousness." - Romans 4:3/Genesis 15:6
...
And this is where the Pharisees had it all wrong. They didn't grasp the understanding that faith is what justifies a person. They didn't grasp that the law wasn't the tool which made a person righteous. In fact, the law does the exact opposite! If you read on in Romans you will see Paul explain what it is that the law actually does in terms of righteousness and being justified.
"The law was added so that the trespass might increase." - Romans 5:20
...
Did you get that? How is it that The Law can be blamed for trespass? Well, it does this because it creates the potential for people to break the law, right? If there are no rules, then no punishment can come as a result of actions that have no consequences tied to them. But, if we have The Law and these lists of procedures of do's and don'ts then we have all these opportunities to do what The Law tells us not to or to not do what The Law says we should do.
The Law breeds trespass. It sets clear boundaries so that sin becomes categorically identifiable.
...
So do you see why this left the Pharisees out in the cold? No person lacks the capability to live a sinless life. Only Christ did that. And here is a news flash for you: Christ didn't even always adhere to The Law! Check out Matthew 12:1-14 and you will see Jesus break The Law two times in one day and the Pharisees become so aggravated that they start plotting to kill Jesus.
That should send up all your red flags to make it clear that the Pharisees were completely invested in the wrong idea of righteousness! Following The Law, even to the tee, does not reconcile you with God. It doesn't impart righteousness to you the way you need it.
...
And this is where all the, "well I'm a good person so I'm sure God and I are okay" is completely debunked. Doing or not doing certain things is far less important to God than the relationship you develop with God when you have faith.
That relationship through Jesus is the only way that true reconciliation is achieved. It is because of all our unrighteousness is taken from us and put on Jesus, who took it to hell for us. And that moment, not only have we handed over all these ugly and painful trespasses, sins, and transgressions against people and against God, but in that same moment that we gave it up, Jesus gave us His righteousness.
So in that moment, our faith is what has allowed Christ's righteousness to be imparted to us in exchange for our unrighteousness.
...
Do you see the monumental difference between achieving righteousness like that and achieving it the way the Pharisees were trying to? The Pharisees were actually so caught up in this whole debacle that they believed and taught that if everyone would just simply keep to The Law and it's guidelines for one single day, the Messiah would come to earth and save everyone.
But these are night and day differences to how we become righteous. In one instance, it is all about what has been done for us. In the other, it is all about what we do ourselves. And as I'm sure we have all learned, doing things by ourselves is often hard and unsuccessful.
...
I make this whole argument for one reason; I think today we may be walking a fine line of becoming Pharisees of a different kind. A kind that focuses on social justice instead of The Law.
I say that because sometimes amidst all of the Christian activism today, Jesus gets lost. I know I haven't been on the scene forever, but I've noticed that Jesus doesn't always gets the props He deserves in those settings.
I've seen it, instead, become more about people doing whatever they are doing because it is about them. It is about them doing these works to receive or maintain righteousness in their life. But that just isn't how it works.
...
We really need to embrace and grasp the understanding that the good things which flow out of our lives and the good works we do are a product of our faith and the righteousness imparted to us by that faith.
We need to always remember that we are dead to ourselves, and it is Jesus living through us in those things we do and social justice issues we are addressing.
And we need to remember that "we walk by faith, not by sight." - 2 Corinthians 5:7
...
I do nothing. I am weak. Jesus is strong. And it is in my weakness that He shows up and does things that wouldn't happen if it was just me and not Him. That is how I know that Jesus is the one working through me and doing things. It is because of Jesus that good works come out of me, because they are a product of my soul changing more and more into what He wants it to be and look like.
"The Lord said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
...
The Law had us in chains, and it created trespasses because we are weak. But remember we are now free from The Law in that way.
"The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." - Romans 5:20-21
...
Peace.
Well. If Jesus and Paul don't have something to say about that...
...
Paul makes a very influential and well-known distinction about righteousness in Romans. He goes back and talks about Abraham, the man who was willing to sacrifice his own son at the request of God. Paul explains that it was Abraham's faith that imparted righteousness to him.
Now, before we go any further let's really make sure we've wrapped our minds around that.
"Faith = Righteousness."
He does not say that "The Law = Righteousness." Nor does he say "Action = Righteousness"
"Abraham believed the Lord, and it was credited to him as righteousness." - Romans 4:3/Genesis 15:6
...
And this is where the Pharisees had it all wrong. They didn't grasp the understanding that faith is what justifies a person. They didn't grasp that the law wasn't the tool which made a person righteous. In fact, the law does the exact opposite! If you read on in Romans you will see Paul explain what it is that the law actually does in terms of righteousness and being justified.
"The law was added so that the trespass might increase." - Romans 5:20
...
Did you get that? How is it that The Law can be blamed for trespass? Well, it does this because it creates the potential for people to break the law, right? If there are no rules, then no punishment can come as a result of actions that have no consequences tied to them. But, if we have The Law and these lists of procedures of do's and don'ts then we have all these opportunities to do what The Law tells us not to or to not do what The Law says we should do.
The Law breeds trespass. It sets clear boundaries so that sin becomes categorically identifiable.
...
So do you see why this left the Pharisees out in the cold? No person lacks the capability to live a sinless life. Only Christ did that. And here is a news flash for you: Christ didn't even always adhere to The Law! Check out Matthew 12:1-14 and you will see Jesus break The Law two times in one day and the Pharisees become so aggravated that they start plotting to kill Jesus.
That should send up all your red flags to make it clear that the Pharisees were completely invested in the wrong idea of righteousness! Following The Law, even to the tee, does not reconcile you with God. It doesn't impart righteousness to you the way you need it.
...
And this is where all the, "well I'm a good person so I'm sure God and I are okay" is completely debunked. Doing or not doing certain things is far less important to God than the relationship you develop with God when you have faith.
That relationship through Jesus is the only way that true reconciliation is achieved. It is because of all our unrighteousness is taken from us and put on Jesus, who took it to hell for us. And that moment, not only have we handed over all these ugly and painful trespasses, sins, and transgressions against people and against God, but in that same moment that we gave it up, Jesus gave us His righteousness.
So in that moment, our faith is what has allowed Christ's righteousness to be imparted to us in exchange for our unrighteousness.
...
Do you see the monumental difference between achieving righteousness like that and achieving it the way the Pharisees were trying to? The Pharisees were actually so caught up in this whole debacle that they believed and taught that if everyone would just simply keep to The Law and it's guidelines for one single day, the Messiah would come to earth and save everyone.
But these are night and day differences to how we become righteous. In one instance, it is all about what has been done for us. In the other, it is all about what we do ourselves. And as I'm sure we have all learned, doing things by ourselves is often hard and unsuccessful.
...
I make this whole argument for one reason; I think today we may be walking a fine line of becoming Pharisees of a different kind. A kind that focuses on social justice instead of The Law.
I say that because sometimes amidst all of the Christian activism today, Jesus gets lost. I know I haven't been on the scene forever, but I've noticed that Jesus doesn't always gets the props He deserves in those settings.
I've seen it, instead, become more about people doing whatever they are doing because it is about them. It is about them doing these works to receive or maintain righteousness in their life. But that just isn't how it works.
...
We really need to embrace and grasp the understanding that the good things which flow out of our lives and the good works we do are a product of our faith and the righteousness imparted to us by that faith.
We need to always remember that we are dead to ourselves, and it is Jesus living through us in those things we do and social justice issues we are addressing.
And we need to remember that "we walk by faith, not by sight." - 2 Corinthians 5:7
...
I do nothing. I am weak. Jesus is strong. And it is in my weakness that He shows up and does things that wouldn't happen if it was just me and not Him. That is how I know that Jesus is the one working through me and doing things. It is because of Jesus that good works come out of me, because they are a product of my soul changing more and more into what He wants it to be and look like.
"The Lord said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
...
The Law had us in chains, and it created trespasses because we are weak. But remember we are now free from The Law in that way.
"The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." - Romans 5:20-21
...
Peace.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Anticipating Change
**A reformatted and reedited article I wrote**
...
Transitions are always difficult; primarily because most of the time they are mandatory. In addition to the lack of choice we have when dealing with a transitional time, there is also a large amount of uncertainty. More so than usual.
Transitions always bring with them questions about what life will be like on the other side of this change. And whether or not we can even make it after that change.
And perhaps the questions we face that we are most invested in are these: Will I be happy in this new place or this next season of life? Will I be content? Will I be fulfilled? Will the things I’m doing be life-giving?
...
Some might be in the midst of one such life transition, but one large population (of which I am apart) has one coming right around the corner; right around the month of May.
Graduation.
...
We will be leaving our institutions, and most will probably be leaving their current locations altogether. So much of what has become familiar and comfortable over the past four or so years will be completely gone.
A season of life that most people in the world never experience, and that those who do almost never experience more than once, is over.
...
Even short breaks probably give some students, regardless of class standing, a taste of how odd transitions can be. They leave college and go home or they go visit someone/someplace we wouldn’t otherwise see and noticeably feel the difference of a life rhythm that exists in the college academic machine versus just about everywhere else. Obligations and priorities are vastly different during normal school times and during breaks, and sometimes I imagine if that break were permanent (which is essentially how it will be after graduation) what I would do with all that free time and freedom.
And that is a kind of exhilarating and exciting question! Until, that is, you factor in all the new responsibilities that come with that transition. The school loans, the rent, the groceries, and all the additional expenses that I'll be supplying for myself.
Then the question isn’t exhilarating. It’s just stressful.
...
And that may be where some of the apprehension of moving on really comes in. All transitions have us leaving something we know and have a good handle on into something less predictable. We know what it looks like to get food, have a place to live, drive a car, and handle finances (at least to an extent) while being in college. We've been doing it for almost four years.
But not only will we have to figure out how to juggle taking care of those things after the institution no longer does most of it for us, but we'll have to do it in a completely different social setting. I won’t live on a floor with some of my closest friends with the rest of the people I care about most only a couple hundred yards away in a different building. I will live somewhere very different from that, even if it is still in Canton.
A lot of the people I am around now will be in a lot of different places. And most of those places will probably be far away form me and each other.
...
As sad as it may be to leave or as uncomfortable as it might be to go, I can’t help but suggest that perhaps the most appropriate response to the whole experience is thankfulness. Thankful for the things we have been able to experience. Thankful for the time of our lives where we became (with or without our institutions) more of who we will be for the rest of our lives. Thankful for the relationships, thankful for the memories, thankful for the knowledge, and thankful for the ability to learn so much. Whether it is by seeing things done well or seeing them done poorly.
...
There is an aspect of trust that I think is appropriate for entering transitions, even with them being so riddled with uncertainty.
We can trust that we valuable and worth being taken care of. That those needs we have will be met.
...
One of the more interesting things to me in the Lord's prayer is that Jesus encourages us only to ask for our daily bread when it comes meeting our provisions. The rest of our desires and preferences are peripheral compared to having this world resemble how God would have it. His will before ours, right?
...
And if that is the case, regardless of all the anxieties, sadness, or uncertainty that follows us as some of us move into a different season of life, we can trust that if we pursue that with our lives, we will be taken care of. Not that it won’t be hard or maybe even uncomfortable, but we will know that we are doing what we were made to do.
And that is what will be most fulfilling.
...
Peace.
...
Transitions are always difficult; primarily because most of the time they are mandatory. In addition to the lack of choice we have when dealing with a transitional time, there is also a large amount of uncertainty. More so than usual.
Transitions always bring with them questions about what life will be like on the other side of this change. And whether or not we can even make it after that change.
And perhaps the questions we face that we are most invested in are these: Will I be happy in this new place or this next season of life? Will I be content? Will I be fulfilled? Will the things I’m doing be life-giving?
...
Some might be in the midst of one such life transition, but one large population (of which I am apart) has one coming right around the corner; right around the month of May.
Graduation.
...
We will be leaving our institutions, and most will probably be leaving their current locations altogether. So much of what has become familiar and comfortable over the past four or so years will be completely gone.
A season of life that most people in the world never experience, and that those who do almost never experience more than once, is over.
...
Even short breaks probably give some students, regardless of class standing, a taste of how odd transitions can be. They leave college and go home or they go visit someone/someplace we wouldn’t otherwise see and noticeably feel the difference of a life rhythm that exists in the college academic machine versus just about everywhere else. Obligations and priorities are vastly different during normal school times and during breaks, and sometimes I imagine if that break were permanent (which is essentially how it will be after graduation) what I would do with all that free time and freedom.
And that is a kind of exhilarating and exciting question! Until, that is, you factor in all the new responsibilities that come with that transition. The school loans, the rent, the groceries, and all the additional expenses that I'll be supplying for myself.
Then the question isn’t exhilarating. It’s just stressful.
...
And that may be where some of the apprehension of moving on really comes in. All transitions have us leaving something we know and have a good handle on into something less predictable. We know what it looks like to get food, have a place to live, drive a car, and handle finances (at least to an extent) while being in college. We've been doing it for almost four years.
But not only will we have to figure out how to juggle taking care of those things after the institution no longer does most of it for us, but we'll have to do it in a completely different social setting. I won’t live on a floor with some of my closest friends with the rest of the people I care about most only a couple hundred yards away in a different building. I will live somewhere very different from that, even if it is still in Canton.
A lot of the people I am around now will be in a lot of different places. And most of those places will probably be far away form me and each other.
...
As sad as it may be to leave or as uncomfortable as it might be to go, I can’t help but suggest that perhaps the most appropriate response to the whole experience is thankfulness. Thankful for the things we have been able to experience. Thankful for the time of our lives where we became (with or without our institutions) more of who we will be for the rest of our lives. Thankful for the relationships, thankful for the memories, thankful for the knowledge, and thankful for the ability to learn so much. Whether it is by seeing things done well or seeing them done poorly.
...
There is an aspect of trust that I think is appropriate for entering transitions, even with them being so riddled with uncertainty.
We can trust that we valuable and worth being taken care of. That those needs we have will be met.
...
One of the more interesting things to me in the Lord's prayer is that Jesus encourages us only to ask for our daily bread when it comes meeting our provisions. The rest of our desires and preferences are peripheral compared to having this world resemble how God would have it. His will before ours, right?
...
And if that is the case, regardless of all the anxieties, sadness, or uncertainty that follows us as some of us move into a different season of life, we can trust that if we pursue that with our lives, we will be taken care of. Not that it won’t be hard or maybe even uncomfortable, but we will know that we are doing what we were made to do.
And that is what will be most fulfilling.
...
Peace.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Rejoice In Hope
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
- Romans 5:1-5
...
Everyone experiences suffering. We all have. Some of us to much harsher and more difficult degrees than others, but we have still all felt the sting of suffering in some way. And some of us even feel it right now.
And that suffering can make joy really hard.
...
Sometimes suffering creates these really hard situations where feeling joy would almost seem artificial. It would make us feel like we were fake. It makes us think that the present context shouldn't allow joy; it should only be creating sorrow.
...
But even still, joy is sort of talked abut as this attitude or demeanor we carry which blankets our life and the way we see the world. No matter what.
And I do agree with that assessment of joy. But the question that remains is how do we maintain or preserve that joy in suffering when joy appears to be the last response appropriate for the situation?
...
I think the answer to that question is in the wording of this passage.
"Rejoice in hope."
Hope.
...
Hope is the key to joy which we are supposed to have embedded deep in our souls. We are able to maintain joy because we have hope. Hope in the future. Hope in what is to come. Hope in that this suffering is not the end.
We have joy simply because we have hope.
...
So I am here to suggest that perhaps the source to a problem with joy is actually a problem with hope.
We all know what people who lack hope look like. They are the pessimists. And I can say that because that has been (and sometimes still is) me. It's the people who can't give anything in the world the benefit of the doubt. It's the people who scoff at idealist-type ideas because they lack confidence in humanity and its ability to at all now resemble what it was meant to be. It is because they have no hope.
And that is because to them it is foolish to hope in something so broken and something so shattered.
...
On the contrary, we also know what people who have hope look like. They show sincere love and gentleness in the awful times. They shine in all that they do. And in the bad situations they shine all the more because they see potential where everyone else sees waste. To them, the foolish thing is to write off something that was created good in an effort to appear realistic.
They shine with hope because they have allowed the Holy Spirit to pour God's love into their hearts.
God's love. Not theirs.
...
One thing we have to understand is that we don't have the capability to love well. God gives us the capability to love people we wouldn't otherwise love and in ways we wouldn't otherwise know through his Spirit. It is that simple.
It isn't me who loves people that I don't know just because they need help. It isn't me who has compassion for the homeless or the brokenhearted or the child from the broken home.
It's Jesus.
But Jesus is in me. "It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me," Galatians 2:20. And the Holy Spirit "has been given to us" (verse 5).
And so it is truly Jesus loving through me that gives me the ability to love in ways otherwise impossible.
...
So it is hope that gives us the ability to have joy that we wouldn't otherwise be able to have. And we know how it is we come to have hope. It is through the process Paul outlines right here.
"Suffering produces endurance"
"Endurance produces character"
"Character produces hope"
"And hope does not put us to shame"
...
There is no shame in having hope. There is no shame in seeing the potential that no one else sees in broken and hurting places and situations. There is nothing foolish about that. There is everything Christlike about that.
...
Now in this process we can all think of people who have stopped at all kinds of different places along the path to hope.
Some people suffer and stay stuck in the role of a victim. They get blindsided and become paralyzed to even maneuver or handle the situation which is at hand. They don't develop endurance; they don't develop character. They simply feel as though everything is unfair and can't see past the fact that they have been wronged.
Some people suffer and become calloused. They endure. They endure and endure and endure and endure but nothing comes from it other than they become numb. No matter what happens, and no matter what suffering exists, they feel nothing because their life is about enduring. And that is all.
Some people endure and become individuals with strong character. And they get a good handle on things. They understand the world better than they ever have. But they are negative. They become frozen in the perspective that the world is what it is; the world is disappointing. The potential for more is unlikely, and the opportunity for change is low.
They see the world through the world's eyes.
They refuse to let hope and love that they wouldn't otherwise manifest itself in them really take root.
Because hope seems foolish.
...
But it isn't. There is no shame and no foolishness in seeing the potential in the world. There is only rejoicing and joy.
It just makes sense that joy is a fruit of the Spirit, doesn't it?
...
Let our sufferings build in us endurance that gives us a character of hope.
...
Peace.
- Romans 5:1-5
...
Everyone experiences suffering. We all have. Some of us to much harsher and more difficult degrees than others, but we have still all felt the sting of suffering in some way. And some of us even feel it right now.
And that suffering can make joy really hard.
...
Sometimes suffering creates these really hard situations where feeling joy would almost seem artificial. It would make us feel like we were fake. It makes us think that the present context shouldn't allow joy; it should only be creating sorrow.
...
But even still, joy is sort of talked abut as this attitude or demeanor we carry which blankets our life and the way we see the world. No matter what.
And I do agree with that assessment of joy. But the question that remains is how do we maintain or preserve that joy in suffering when joy appears to be the last response appropriate for the situation?
...
I think the answer to that question is in the wording of this passage.
"Rejoice in hope."
Hope.
...
Hope is the key to joy which we are supposed to have embedded deep in our souls. We are able to maintain joy because we have hope. Hope in the future. Hope in what is to come. Hope in that this suffering is not the end.
We have joy simply because we have hope.
...
So I am here to suggest that perhaps the source to a problem with joy is actually a problem with hope.
We all know what people who lack hope look like. They are the pessimists. And I can say that because that has been (and sometimes still is) me. It's the people who can't give anything in the world the benefit of the doubt. It's the people who scoff at idealist-type ideas because they lack confidence in humanity and its ability to at all now resemble what it was meant to be. It is because they have no hope.
And that is because to them it is foolish to hope in something so broken and something so shattered.
...
On the contrary, we also know what people who have hope look like. They show sincere love and gentleness in the awful times. They shine in all that they do. And in the bad situations they shine all the more because they see potential where everyone else sees waste. To them, the foolish thing is to write off something that was created good in an effort to appear realistic.
They shine with hope because they have allowed the Holy Spirit to pour God's love into their hearts.
God's love. Not theirs.
...
One thing we have to understand is that we don't have the capability to love well. God gives us the capability to love people we wouldn't otherwise love and in ways we wouldn't otherwise know through his Spirit. It is that simple.
It isn't me who loves people that I don't know just because they need help. It isn't me who has compassion for the homeless or the brokenhearted or the child from the broken home.
It's Jesus.
But Jesus is in me. "It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me," Galatians 2:20. And the Holy Spirit "has been given to us" (verse 5).
And so it is truly Jesus loving through me that gives me the ability to love in ways otherwise impossible.
...
So it is hope that gives us the ability to have joy that we wouldn't otherwise be able to have. And we know how it is we come to have hope. It is through the process Paul outlines right here.
"Suffering produces endurance"
"Endurance produces character"
"Character produces hope"
"And hope does not put us to shame"
...
There is no shame in having hope. There is no shame in seeing the potential that no one else sees in broken and hurting places and situations. There is nothing foolish about that. There is everything Christlike about that.
...
Now in this process we can all think of people who have stopped at all kinds of different places along the path to hope.
Some people suffer and stay stuck in the role of a victim. They get blindsided and become paralyzed to even maneuver or handle the situation which is at hand. They don't develop endurance; they don't develop character. They simply feel as though everything is unfair and can't see past the fact that they have been wronged.
Some people suffer and become calloused. They endure. They endure and endure and endure and endure but nothing comes from it other than they become numb. No matter what happens, and no matter what suffering exists, they feel nothing because their life is about enduring. And that is all.
Some people endure and become individuals with strong character. And they get a good handle on things. They understand the world better than they ever have. But they are negative. They become frozen in the perspective that the world is what it is; the world is disappointing. The potential for more is unlikely, and the opportunity for change is low.
They see the world through the world's eyes.
They refuse to let hope and love that they wouldn't otherwise manifest itself in them really take root.
Because hope seems foolish.
...
But it isn't. There is no shame and no foolishness in seeing the potential in the world. There is only rejoicing and joy.
It just makes sense that joy is a fruit of the Spirit, doesn't it?
...
Let our sufferings build in us endurance that gives us a character of hope.
...
Peace.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
What I Want Is Not What I Want
It's a really ordinary occurrence for people to want something more or less than they want something else. It's also ordinary for those two priorities to be the reverse of what they should be.
It's called being human.
...
To stay with God, or be like God (Gen 3:4-6).
To please God, or be better than others (Gen 4:8-9)
To have a God that is real, or to have a God you can touch (Ex 32:7-8)
To let Jesus be who He is, or to make Jesus who you want Him to be (Mt 16:21-23)
And so on, and so on, and so forth.
...
It is a rather normal story. People want something, but they want it to be a particular way. So, they take what they want that actually exists and they distort it. They go about it the wrong way.
They maim something that is essentially good by trying to make it more of what they want and less of what it is.
It's a perpetual sin of humanity.
...
And I'm no less guilty of it than anyone else. Over and over again, whether in relationships or friendships or jobs or opportunities or responsibilities or social events, I have tried to make something in my life into more of what I wanted it to be when it wasn't possible.
And I have done the same thing with God over and over again.
...
There have been many many times in my life where I have sought rearranging my life to look more the way Jesus would want it to look. I've wanted to care more about other people and less about myself. I've wanted to have more discipline and spend time doing productive healthy things and less time being lethargic and lazy. I've wanted...
The list goes on. And some of those things I have succeeded at being better at, even if only mildly better. But progress has been made in some respects. And it other respects I have only succeeded in failing miserably more times than I thought possible.
Because it is hard to want what Jesus wants for us because it looks so freaking awful compared to what we want for us.
...
That's what it comes down to isn't it? We look at these two pictures painted for us of what our lives are supposed to look like. We look at our painting of our lives. And it isn't like Jesus isn't involved or influential in that painting. He is in that painting because we are (at least a little) committed to Him.
But in that painting of our lives we are the artist.
We are the one making creative decisions and we are the one painting the settings and overall tone of the piece while Jesus stands beside us in front of the canvas making the occasional suggestion of color shade or hue. We are in control, and boy oh boy do we love how that painting turns out every time.
...
But that isn't how it works! The fact is that what our soul's long for is to have the life that resembles the painting Christ paints of our lives. We were created to live in that life, and so everything else, no matter how great we think it looks, will make us feel like we aren't where we are supposed to be.
We will have no peace.
...
Christ is the artist of life, and He is the one who paints our story on the canvas as we stand next to Him making the occasional suggestion. His painting will be a life that reflects His story because no one knows His story better than He does.
And His story transcends ours.
...
We are where we are because Christ has brought us or allowed us to get this far. But so much of what we experience will be unsatisfying and frustrating and painful if we should try to change our lives from what they are meant to be into what we would rather have them be.
Because at the end of the day we aren't aware of what it is that we really want.
...
"To praise you is the desire of man, a little piece of your creation. You stir man to take pleasure in praising you, because you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."
- St. Augustine
...
Peace.
It's called being human.
...
To stay with God, or be like God (Gen 3:4-6).
To please God, or be better than others (Gen 4:8-9)
To have a God that is real, or to have a God you can touch (Ex 32:7-8)
To let Jesus be who He is, or to make Jesus who you want Him to be (Mt 16:21-23)
And so on, and so on, and so forth.
...
It is a rather normal story. People want something, but they want it to be a particular way. So, they take what they want that actually exists and they distort it. They go about it the wrong way.
They maim something that is essentially good by trying to make it more of what they want and less of what it is.
It's a perpetual sin of humanity.
...
And I'm no less guilty of it than anyone else. Over and over again, whether in relationships or friendships or jobs or opportunities or responsibilities or social events, I have tried to make something in my life into more of what I wanted it to be when it wasn't possible.
And I have done the same thing with God over and over again.
...
There have been many many times in my life where I have sought rearranging my life to look more the way Jesus would want it to look. I've wanted to care more about other people and less about myself. I've wanted to have more discipline and spend time doing productive healthy things and less time being lethargic and lazy. I've wanted...
The list goes on. And some of those things I have succeeded at being better at, even if only mildly better. But progress has been made in some respects. And it other respects I have only succeeded in failing miserably more times than I thought possible.
Because it is hard to want what Jesus wants for us because it looks so freaking awful compared to what we want for us.
...
That's what it comes down to isn't it? We look at these two pictures painted for us of what our lives are supposed to look like. We look at our painting of our lives. And it isn't like Jesus isn't involved or influential in that painting. He is in that painting because we are (at least a little) committed to Him.
But in that painting of our lives we are the artist.
We are the one making creative decisions and we are the one painting the settings and overall tone of the piece while Jesus stands beside us in front of the canvas making the occasional suggestion of color shade or hue. We are in control, and boy oh boy do we love how that painting turns out every time.
...
But that isn't how it works! The fact is that what our soul's long for is to have the life that resembles the painting Christ paints of our lives. We were created to live in that life, and so everything else, no matter how great we think it looks, will make us feel like we aren't where we are supposed to be.
We will have no peace.
...
Christ is the artist of life, and He is the one who paints our story on the canvas as we stand next to Him making the occasional suggestion. His painting will be a life that reflects His story because no one knows His story better than He does.
And His story transcends ours.
...
We are where we are because Christ has brought us or allowed us to get this far. But so much of what we experience will be unsatisfying and frustrating and painful if we should try to change our lives from what they are meant to be into what we would rather have them be.
Because at the end of the day we aren't aware of what it is that we really want.
...
"To praise you is the desire of man, a little piece of your creation. You stir man to take pleasure in praising you, because you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."
- St. Augustine
...
Peace.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sparks
I am in a good place now. But I think good times are actually the best times to look back on the not-so-good times an see things we didn't have the capability to see in those moments because pain was too great or apathy too powerful.
This blog is about one of those musings.
...
When things are bad and I feel very stale and I experience a complicated mix of emotions.
Self-pity. Loathing. Worthlessness. Frustration. Bitterness. Cynicism. Sadness.
And these all mix together because of my general inability to remove myself from the stale place in which I sit. Something about my life is very discomforting in these times. Could be an estranged relationship that is hurting my soul, or a serious lack of productiveness, or a lack of meaningful friendships, or a surplus of events where my heart is indulging itself in not-so-healthy ways.
...
And it doesn't really matter what the cataylst to my stale state is. Truth be told, the only relevant information is that I exist there, and that pulling myself out of it feels impossible.
Not only do I feel apathetic and indifferent to fixing and adjusting my life, but I often feel completely inadequate or literally incapable of doing so.
Now a helpful realization in those moments would be to remember that I do nothing alone. I am consistently doing things in a community of people which I am close to and ultimately God is incredibly invested in my life and every thing that is taking place. Big or small. Good or bad.
He is there working. He is there speaking. He is there teaching.
...
And that becomes part of my problem as well. Not that God is working in such powerful and influential ways, but that my mind refuses to accept that and embrace the joy that should bring. Instead, I have a monumental amount of guilt for not "having it all together."
[SIDENOTE - Guilt sucks.]
Anyways, in the moments where I feel shame and guilt for the amount, and often the specific kind, of brokenness in my life, presenting myself before God is the last thing my guilt-ridden body wants.
...
However, furthering the estrangement from God in my life by distancing myself from Him is the LAST thing my soul wants. Even if I have driven the stake between us deeper by my own sin and actions, my soul and my spirit deeply long for God and His love even if my body doesn't. That is why everything hurts as deeply as it does.
My soul is estranged from God. And I have furthered that estrangement with my actions or circumstances. It's actually a rather common story. But that is how the bad times begin to feel worse, without a whole lot happening.
...
What is interesting to me, is that when I am removed from those rougher times, I muse back about how I did engage God when I had the courage to pursue Him.
Typically, I remember myself crying out for Him. Screaming at the top of my lungs, asking Him to please come and save me from this circumstance. To burst in and shine a blinding light on me as I sit in a shadowy corner.
I ask for God to explode around me so that I can know He is there. So I can see His light in my life.
But rarely is that how things actually go.
...
Seeing God's light in your life is essentially seeing things happen that are good and seeing the kinds of things that give us hope and remind us that God is good and doing good things all the time in our lives even when we are moving in directions we probably shouldn't be.
But we don't need explosions to happen around us so we can see that light! It may feel that way in the bad times, but that is just because in those moments we don't have the eyes to see anything less that a monumental explosion.
We don't see the sparks.
...
But that is exactly how I think the majority of God's light in our life actually shows up.
Sparks.
...
I can think back to seasons in my life where I was stale. And I mean seriously seriously stale. And I can see, in retrospect, God's light sparking all over the place in my life. Consistently. But I didn't see it in the moment. And if I did, I didn't appreciate it.
Because what I wanted was for everything to change. And that would have taken an explosion.
...
But my lack of satisfaction with the way God was working doesn't mean that He wasn't. He was.
The fact is, that is how God works. In lots and lots of powerful little ways.
Because when something is dead and dry, all it takes is a spark to catch it. A spark will cause the whole thing to burn.
And normally, in the rough times, we are dead and dry. And we feel it.
...
Take hope. Because God's Kingdom spreads like a mustard seed and His light shows up in sparks.
And His love is bigger and everything you see.
And you are in it.
...
Peace.
This blog is about one of those musings.
...
When things are bad and I feel very stale and I experience a complicated mix of emotions.
Self-pity. Loathing. Worthlessness. Frustration. Bitterness. Cynicism. Sadness.
And these all mix together because of my general inability to remove myself from the stale place in which I sit. Something about my life is very discomforting in these times. Could be an estranged relationship that is hurting my soul, or a serious lack of productiveness, or a lack of meaningful friendships, or a surplus of events where my heart is indulging itself in not-so-healthy ways.
...
And it doesn't really matter what the cataylst to my stale state is. Truth be told, the only relevant information is that I exist there, and that pulling myself out of it feels impossible.
Not only do I feel apathetic and indifferent to fixing and adjusting my life, but I often feel completely inadequate or literally incapable of doing so.
Now a helpful realization in those moments would be to remember that I do nothing alone. I am consistently doing things in a community of people which I am close to and ultimately God is incredibly invested in my life and every thing that is taking place. Big or small. Good or bad.
He is there working. He is there speaking. He is there teaching.
...
And that becomes part of my problem as well. Not that God is working in such powerful and influential ways, but that my mind refuses to accept that and embrace the joy that should bring. Instead, I have a monumental amount of guilt for not "having it all together."
[SIDENOTE - Guilt sucks.]
Anyways, in the moments where I feel shame and guilt for the amount, and often the specific kind, of brokenness in my life, presenting myself before God is the last thing my guilt-ridden body wants.
...
However, furthering the estrangement from God in my life by distancing myself from Him is the LAST thing my soul wants. Even if I have driven the stake between us deeper by my own sin and actions, my soul and my spirit deeply long for God and His love even if my body doesn't. That is why everything hurts as deeply as it does.
My soul is estranged from God. And I have furthered that estrangement with my actions or circumstances. It's actually a rather common story. But that is how the bad times begin to feel worse, without a whole lot happening.
...
What is interesting to me, is that when I am removed from those rougher times, I muse back about how I did engage God when I had the courage to pursue Him.
Typically, I remember myself crying out for Him. Screaming at the top of my lungs, asking Him to please come and save me from this circumstance. To burst in and shine a blinding light on me as I sit in a shadowy corner.
I ask for God to explode around me so that I can know He is there. So I can see His light in my life.
But rarely is that how things actually go.
...
Seeing God's light in your life is essentially seeing things happen that are good and seeing the kinds of things that give us hope and remind us that God is good and doing good things all the time in our lives even when we are moving in directions we probably shouldn't be.
But we don't need explosions to happen around us so we can see that light! It may feel that way in the bad times, but that is just because in those moments we don't have the eyes to see anything less that a monumental explosion.
We don't see the sparks.
...
But that is exactly how I think the majority of God's light in our life actually shows up.
Sparks.
...
I can think back to seasons in my life where I was stale. And I mean seriously seriously stale. And I can see, in retrospect, God's light sparking all over the place in my life. Consistently. But I didn't see it in the moment. And if I did, I didn't appreciate it.
Because what I wanted was for everything to change. And that would have taken an explosion.
...
But my lack of satisfaction with the way God was working doesn't mean that He wasn't. He was.
The fact is, that is how God works. In lots and lots of powerful little ways.
Because when something is dead and dry, all it takes is a spark to catch it. A spark will cause the whole thing to burn.
And normally, in the rough times, we are dead and dry. And we feel it.
...
Take hope. Because God's Kingdom spreads like a mustard seed and His light shows up in sparks.
And His love is bigger and everything you see.
And you are in it.
...
Peace.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Journaling
Fact: I am awful at journaling.
I write too much in each entry. I want to do the day and my thoughts and the events and people that I am writing about justice, so I write all of my thoughts. Which turns out is rather exhausting and far too time consuming.
So I quickly burn out when attempting to journal about my days.
And that sucks. Because I journaled everyday for the first 3-ish months of this year and it was a pretty cool thing to do. But it did burn me out.
...
Either way, I'm looking into a new style of journaling: recording my thoughts and musings on God in simple concise thoughts.
Most of these entries will be short and unorganized. More of little thoughts than substantial entries. But I need to start somewhere.
And this is where.
...
Here are some pictures from my first attempt to begin journaling again:
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Peace.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Musicals Are Biblical
Sooooo, tonight I was at a bible study with some guys and we stumbled upon Ephesians 5:15-20:
"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
...
I just want to go on record as saying that it is obvious that musicals are entirely biblical. The idea that people spontaneously burst into song, converse in song, and burst with their emotions in song, is all referenced in scripture.
We should pursue life being more like musicals. The next time I am singing "Seasons of Love" and someone tells me to shut up I will call down fire from Heaven on them.
Just imagine... a person will be smited by God in the name of RENT. Amen.
...
Also, a friend was talking about how he once told someone wearing a jersey to a team he didn't like that he would kick the *%&# out of them if they didn't take that shirt off.
So the kid actually took off his shirt and turned it inside out!
...
I have decided what I would respond if ever put in that situation.
"I'm about to make you a liar. It doesn't matter how much you kick me... I will not poop."
Suck that. I would even tuck my shirt in. That would show him.
...
Peace.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sacrifice
Sacrifice is such an ambiguous word.
...
In one sense, it is so obvious. It can be very plain to see a person painfully sacrifice something they love for something that is better but less selfgratifying.
On the other hand, sacrifice can be quiet and faceless. It can be subtle and unnoticed. It can focus around personal discipline and self control that everyone is completely oblivious to, except you. And it is because of that, that sacrifice can be faked.
...
I've notice that some points in my life were riddled with the lack of sacrifice. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. It didn't matter if it wasn't wise or if it was even detrimental because they weren't the kinds of decisions that people were aware of. They didn't come up in casual conversation and they weren't noticeable. But they were essential to the health of my spiritual life.
They had the ability to stabilize or warp my understanding of God and His desires. They contained the power to reinforce or discourage selfishness. And they had a firm grasp on my emotional state and personal attitudes towards everything.
And when I made poor decisions, it showed. It put me in bad places and perpetuated my location there. It made me stale and cynical and selfish. Faking sacrifice made me fake.
...
But no one knew that. Sure people may have noticed some subtle differences in attitude and personality, but nothing that caused alarm. And the changes were certainly far to vague for anyone to discern what the cause was.
But I knew. Good Lord, did I know. And no matter how much I would lie to myself I would always know that these sacrifices or lack-thereof were what kept me in the stale and stagnant places.
...
Think of a time where you had the chance to show someone kindness and you missed it. Maybe a homeless person approached you on the street or you had the chance to encourage someone you didn't like or you had the opportunity to anonymously provide someone with something they really needed.
A lot of times, sacrifices present themselves for only a moment, and then they are gone. They are always uncomfortable and they are always characterized by 2 voices in your head: one encouraging you to take the high road and be kind and the other telling you to be selfish and look out for your own interests.
And if you are not in a good place spiritually, if you are not healthy and focused on a consistent basis, then you will rarely handle those situations well. You may justify your failure and claim that you actually did the correct thing, but most of your justifications won't bring peace more than they will guilt.
...
No matter how bad at it we are, sacrifice is always a choice. It is a choice between what is selfless and what is selfish. And it is a choice that can only be made in that specific moment. Sacrifice can present itself in a circumstance where no one is watching, and those are probably the most important ones. The sacrifices that come at a time when no one is looking or no one will know whether you follow through or don't are the ones that speak the most about your character.
And the only one who will know what kind of character you truly have is you.
...
In those moments there is something to be recognized. We are presented with two paths: one which looks at the big picture, and one with a narrow view that can only see from your own eyes no further than an arms length.
The narrow view wants you to take a path that is short and leads to immediate gratification and preservation of what you want. The big picture path recognizes that you aren't the only one involved in this situation and that the path that makes you happy right now is not the path that ultimately takes you where you want to go. Because joy and happiness are different; very different.
And deep down, what really matters, is getting to where you ultimately want to go. Because where you want to go is somewhere good. Where you want to go is full of joy.
...
Take the high road and be aware that choosing where one voice tells you to go is going to take you further from where you want to go. The road to a character like Christ's is blanketed with sacrifice and selflessness more than we could ever imagine. It is going to be uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant.
But it is more than worth it. Because it is good.
...
"We endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ."
1 Corinthians 9:12
...
Peace.
...
In one sense, it is so obvious. It can be very plain to see a person painfully sacrifice something they love for something that is better but less selfgratifying.
On the other hand, sacrifice can be quiet and faceless. It can be subtle and unnoticed. It can focus around personal discipline and self control that everyone is completely oblivious to, except you. And it is because of that, that sacrifice can be faked.
...
I've notice that some points in my life were riddled with the lack of sacrifice. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. It didn't matter if it wasn't wise or if it was even detrimental because they weren't the kinds of decisions that people were aware of. They didn't come up in casual conversation and they weren't noticeable. But they were essential to the health of my spiritual life.
They had the ability to stabilize or warp my understanding of God and His desires. They contained the power to reinforce or discourage selfishness. And they had a firm grasp on my emotional state and personal attitudes towards everything.
And when I made poor decisions, it showed. It put me in bad places and perpetuated my location there. It made me stale and cynical and selfish. Faking sacrifice made me fake.
...
But no one knew that. Sure people may have noticed some subtle differences in attitude and personality, but nothing that caused alarm. And the changes were certainly far to vague for anyone to discern what the cause was.
But I knew. Good Lord, did I know. And no matter how much I would lie to myself I would always know that these sacrifices or lack-thereof were what kept me in the stale and stagnant places.
...
Think of a time where you had the chance to show someone kindness and you missed it. Maybe a homeless person approached you on the street or you had the chance to encourage someone you didn't like or you had the opportunity to anonymously provide someone with something they really needed.
A lot of times, sacrifices present themselves for only a moment, and then they are gone. They are always uncomfortable and they are always characterized by 2 voices in your head: one encouraging you to take the high road and be kind and the other telling you to be selfish and look out for your own interests.
And if you are not in a good place spiritually, if you are not healthy and focused on a consistent basis, then you will rarely handle those situations well. You may justify your failure and claim that you actually did the correct thing, but most of your justifications won't bring peace more than they will guilt.
...
No matter how bad at it we are, sacrifice is always a choice. It is a choice between what is selfless and what is selfish. And it is a choice that can only be made in that specific moment. Sacrifice can present itself in a circumstance where no one is watching, and those are probably the most important ones. The sacrifices that come at a time when no one is looking or no one will know whether you follow through or don't are the ones that speak the most about your character.
And the only one who will know what kind of character you truly have is you.
...
In those moments there is something to be recognized. We are presented with two paths: one which looks at the big picture, and one with a narrow view that can only see from your own eyes no further than an arms length.
The narrow view wants you to take a path that is short and leads to immediate gratification and preservation of what you want. The big picture path recognizes that you aren't the only one involved in this situation and that the path that makes you happy right now is not the path that ultimately takes you where you want to go. Because joy and happiness are different; very different.
And deep down, what really matters, is getting to where you ultimately want to go. Because where you want to go is somewhere good. Where you want to go is full of joy.
...
Take the high road and be aware that choosing where one voice tells you to go is going to take you further from where you want to go. The road to a character like Christ's is blanketed with sacrifice and selflessness more than we could ever imagine. It is going to be uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant.
But it is more than worth it. Because it is good.
...
"We endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ."
1 Corinthians 9:12
...
Peace.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Mediocrity Or More
Sometimes I think there is a choice.
An overarching choice of what kind of life I am going to live that is comprised of all the little choices I am making everyday.
It is the choice between mediocrity and something more. Something so much more that I don't even know where it takes me or what it entails. But it is more.
...
This makes every choice in front of me today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and so on... matter.
It makes everything matter because you can't make this choice of the tone of your life in one decision. It's not designed that way. It takes consistency and dedication to reach the more I am talking about. It takes commitment to not look at things simply in the now but to see the implications of life in a broader context.
The broader context is that what I want now oftentimes isn't going to take me where I want to be in the future. And so I have a choice, and I think it is a fairly common choice among people;
Do I sacrifice what I know I want now to be what I know I want to be and go where I know I want to go, or do I say to hell with it and do what I want in the moment?
...
The question is probably more elementary than we even realize. If I think back on it, a lot of my regrets in life come down to the fact that I satisfied something I wanted in the moment, even while knowing the possible repercussions or negative effects, simply because "I wanted it." Textbook temptation.
I normally see a point where I was contemplating whatever that choice or situation was, and I knew what the high road was and I knew that there was a wiser decision that I probably should make, but I chose the other one. I chose that because I thought I could get away with it, or it would be funny, or what would come of it wasn't actually that bad. Sometimes my justifications were right, and sometimes they were very very wrong. Enter Regret.
...
I have come to believe that those decisions, however little they were or weren't, have a profound impact on my character over time, if not the larger scope of my life in general. And they are what guide me toward mediocrity or more.
It's a battle of sorts. It makes the mundane significant and it begs you to get outside your own head and realize there are bigger things. Bigger things than the decisions right in front of you. More important things than just what you want in this moment. Things that make sacrifice worth it.
...
I believe I was made for more than mediocrity. But here, mediocrity can be a dirty word. It can seem like I am plastering some people as insignificant or doing things in the wrong way. I'm not. I'm just speaking from my conviction.
I think we were all made for more than mediocrity, and that looks different for me and for you. But I think you can feel what I'm talking about. This drive that we are supposed to be going somewhere good and we can feel it in our bones and in our spirits if we are going there. We can feel it if we are lost too. It's a sad, heavy feeling that seems like it robs our lives of carrying peace because we know there is more.
...
I think you know what I'm talking about. I don't think I'm crazy. And I want more. I don't want mediocrity. I want to be out of my head and I want you out of your head too. I want to do things well because I know that it matters more than I always think it does. I want to travel the road to more without the awful detours I know I could take. And I don't want a damn thing to do with the road to mediocrity.
...
We were made for more. And the choice is ours. We need to remember that it is our choice. And we need to know you don't just make it once. You make it over and over and over again. You make it until you die, because even if you have arrived, you can still leave.
I will not settle for less than more. With God's help, this is what we were made to do.
...
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
...
Peace.
An overarching choice of what kind of life I am going to live that is comprised of all the little choices I am making everyday.
It is the choice between mediocrity and something more. Something so much more that I don't even know where it takes me or what it entails. But it is more.
...
This makes every choice in front of me today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and so on... matter.
It makes everything matter because you can't make this choice of the tone of your life in one decision. It's not designed that way. It takes consistency and dedication to reach the more I am talking about. It takes commitment to not look at things simply in the now but to see the implications of life in a broader context.
The broader context is that what I want now oftentimes isn't going to take me where I want to be in the future. And so I have a choice, and I think it is a fairly common choice among people;
Do I sacrifice what I know I want now to be what I know I want to be and go where I know I want to go, or do I say to hell with it and do what I want in the moment?
...
The question is probably more elementary than we even realize. If I think back on it, a lot of my regrets in life come down to the fact that I satisfied something I wanted in the moment, even while knowing the possible repercussions or negative effects, simply because "I wanted it." Textbook temptation.
I normally see a point where I was contemplating whatever that choice or situation was, and I knew what the high road was and I knew that there was a wiser decision that I probably should make, but I chose the other one. I chose that because I thought I could get away with it, or it would be funny, or what would come of it wasn't actually that bad. Sometimes my justifications were right, and sometimes they were very very wrong. Enter Regret.
...
I have come to believe that those decisions, however little they were or weren't, have a profound impact on my character over time, if not the larger scope of my life in general. And they are what guide me toward mediocrity or more.
It's a battle of sorts. It makes the mundane significant and it begs you to get outside your own head and realize there are bigger things. Bigger things than the decisions right in front of you. More important things than just what you want in this moment. Things that make sacrifice worth it.
...
I believe I was made for more than mediocrity. But here, mediocrity can be a dirty word. It can seem like I am plastering some people as insignificant or doing things in the wrong way. I'm not. I'm just speaking from my conviction.
I think we were all made for more than mediocrity, and that looks different for me and for you. But I think you can feel what I'm talking about. This drive that we are supposed to be going somewhere good and we can feel it in our bones and in our spirits if we are going there. We can feel it if we are lost too. It's a sad, heavy feeling that seems like it robs our lives of carrying peace because we know there is more.
...
I think you know what I'm talking about. I don't think I'm crazy. And I want more. I don't want mediocrity. I want to be out of my head and I want you out of your head too. I want to do things well because I know that it matters more than I always think it does. I want to travel the road to more without the awful detours I know I could take. And I don't want a damn thing to do with the road to mediocrity.
...
We were made for more. And the choice is ours. We need to remember that it is our choice. And we need to know you don't just make it once. You make it over and over and over again. You make it until you die, because even if you have arrived, you can still leave.
I will not settle for less than more. With God's help, this is what we were made to do.
...
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
...
Peace.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Be Still, My Soul
I need to be more thankful. I really need to find joy in things.
I won't say that I suck at those things because that would just be self-pity, and that is lame. So I'll just admit that some characteristics about my personality tend keep me focused on things I should improve upon in an effort to always keep me striving forward. Sometimes that goes too far and I wind up beating myself up and such when I shouldn't.
If this all sounds familiar it is because you either know me well enough to have seen this happen of you read my blog called Price Check that I wrote quite some time ago that echoed some similar thoughts.
You'll have to forgive the redundancy, these are just some (still) current issues in my life.
...
When I take a step back, one that was hopefully preceded by a deep breath, then my mind is blown over and over again by the incredibleness that is my life.
The realizations are nearly heavenly.
So much so, that all I want to do is pull a magic lever that makes the entire world stop and see what I see and soak it all up and just stop. Stop. Appreciate.
But that lever is fake. There is nothing even close to doing that. I at least want to grab the nearest people to me and shake them til they see what I see. Til the moment of awe overtakes them like it just did me.
But that doesn't work either. I imagine most of the times I would do that, the person I'm attempted to assist would think i was having a moment of insanity more than a moment of clarity.
...
The worst part is that I get so discouraged when that moment doesn't stay as long as I'd like or seems to get interupted by one of the other, very real, and slightly less peaceful aspects of the world.
But that is just such the wrong reaction. It makes me shake my head. How can I go from a moment of incredible awe and thankfulness to discouragement and frustration? Makes me think I'm losing my mind and need to be diagnosed with something less than flattering to discuss at the lunch table.
...
In any case, I think that this is a very spiritual issue. Truth be told, I like to dance around spiritual issues in my writing. I don't like to be overbearing and force my own beliefs. I enjoy painting a picture with my stories and experiences and use them to find a connection from scripture or what I believe about God. Being blunt and using very Christian or Churchy language irks me. It makes me feel categorized when I read it and cliche when I write it. It doesn't mean I don't think those things are true, I think it just means that I don't like writing things that would have made me think the person who wrote it was out of their mind if I read it when I was 15.
15 year old Nick didn't have much appreciation for terribly Churchy and Christian langauge. The words were foreign and felt more like a cop-out than a perspective anyone really owned. It was almost like I didn't believe the people who wrote what I was reading really bought into what they were saying.
That's why it was cliche. It was just what everyone else always said. Why didn't anyone own what they said?
...
That was off topic, but I say that to say this: I think the devil is very real.
I think that he messes with us a lot. I think we can't say what that looks like and we can't consistently attribute different happenings to the devil. I think that he wants us to think we have him all figured out and pinned down.
I think that he gets us focused on little things. He distracts us. I think he helps us focus on the things we want and focus on the unsatisfactory parts of things. I think that he tugs us to pay attention to things that rob God of the glory and thanks He deserves. I think he temps us and encourages us to do things we know are unwise by helping us tell ourselves that it will be fine. I think he knows what he is doing, and he is the best at it. I think he causes us a lot of harm.
...
One of the Devil's best strategies for me is to distract me. My personality longs to be better and get my act together and be strong etc... I think that the devil uses that against me in all of the best ways he can, and that he is good at it.
I think he doesn't want me to be thankful and satisfied and selfless. I think think he wants me depressed and to pity myself. And I do not want to let him do that.
...
There are people, places, materials, things, assets, experiences, emotions, thoughts, smiles, hugs, tastes, feelings, sights, sounds, silence, and lives that bring me to tears when I try to comprehend how blessed I am because of them.
They are the same things that the devil attempts to keep my attention off of so that I can never appreciate what life is. So I can never give glory and be thankful.
If I made a list of those things then there wouldn't be enough time or interest for you to read the list, but I can almost gurantee I would cry thankful tears while I was thinking of all the things.
...
A lot of that list consists of people. People who show me love and whom I try to show the same in return.
To those people, I love you. You mean more than you know, and if you ever think you don't mean that much to me then just ask me to remind you. You are worth more than you know and if you think this message isn't about you then you are completely wrong.
...
This is not one of the best things I've ever written, but I leave you with this:
You are loved by the greatest of all. He has given you much. See what you have been given. Take a deep breath and slow everything down for just a moment. Just stop. Don't do anything. Be still and see. Imagine if all you can do was taken or you never got to do so much that you have. And just recognize that it warrants a "thank you."
...
You are loved. Maybe by me. And for sure by someone way better than that.
...
Peace.
I won't say that I suck at those things because that would just be self-pity, and that is lame. So I'll just admit that some characteristics about my personality tend keep me focused on things I should improve upon in an effort to always keep me striving forward. Sometimes that goes too far and I wind up beating myself up and such when I shouldn't.
If this all sounds familiar it is because you either know me well enough to have seen this happen of you read my blog called Price Check that I wrote quite some time ago that echoed some similar thoughts.
You'll have to forgive the redundancy, these are just some (still) current issues in my life.
...
When I take a step back, one that was hopefully preceded by a deep breath, then my mind is blown over and over again by the incredibleness that is my life.
The realizations are nearly heavenly.
So much so, that all I want to do is pull a magic lever that makes the entire world stop and see what I see and soak it all up and just stop. Stop. Appreciate.
But that lever is fake. There is nothing even close to doing that. I at least want to grab the nearest people to me and shake them til they see what I see. Til the moment of awe overtakes them like it just did me.
But that doesn't work either. I imagine most of the times I would do that, the person I'm attempted to assist would think i was having a moment of insanity more than a moment of clarity.
...
The worst part is that I get so discouraged when that moment doesn't stay as long as I'd like or seems to get interupted by one of the other, very real, and slightly less peaceful aspects of the world.
But that is just such the wrong reaction. It makes me shake my head. How can I go from a moment of incredible awe and thankfulness to discouragement and frustration? Makes me think I'm losing my mind and need to be diagnosed with something less than flattering to discuss at the lunch table.
...
In any case, I think that this is a very spiritual issue. Truth be told, I like to dance around spiritual issues in my writing. I don't like to be overbearing and force my own beliefs. I enjoy painting a picture with my stories and experiences and use them to find a connection from scripture or what I believe about God. Being blunt and using very Christian or Churchy language irks me. It makes me feel categorized when I read it and cliche when I write it. It doesn't mean I don't think those things are true, I think it just means that I don't like writing things that would have made me think the person who wrote it was out of their mind if I read it when I was 15.
15 year old Nick didn't have much appreciation for terribly Churchy and Christian langauge. The words were foreign and felt more like a cop-out than a perspective anyone really owned. It was almost like I didn't believe the people who wrote what I was reading really bought into what they were saying.
That's why it was cliche. It was just what everyone else always said. Why didn't anyone own what they said?
...
That was off topic, but I say that to say this: I think the devil is very real.
I think that he messes with us a lot. I think we can't say what that looks like and we can't consistently attribute different happenings to the devil. I think that he wants us to think we have him all figured out and pinned down.
I think that he gets us focused on little things. He distracts us. I think he helps us focus on the things we want and focus on the unsatisfactory parts of things. I think that he tugs us to pay attention to things that rob God of the glory and thanks He deserves. I think he temps us and encourages us to do things we know are unwise by helping us tell ourselves that it will be fine. I think he knows what he is doing, and he is the best at it. I think he causes us a lot of harm.
...
One of the Devil's best strategies for me is to distract me. My personality longs to be better and get my act together and be strong etc... I think that the devil uses that against me in all of the best ways he can, and that he is good at it.
I think he doesn't want me to be thankful and satisfied and selfless. I think think he wants me depressed and to pity myself. And I do not want to let him do that.
...
There are people, places, materials, things, assets, experiences, emotions, thoughts, smiles, hugs, tastes, feelings, sights, sounds, silence, and lives that bring me to tears when I try to comprehend how blessed I am because of them.
They are the same things that the devil attempts to keep my attention off of so that I can never appreciate what life is. So I can never give glory and be thankful.
If I made a list of those things then there wouldn't be enough time or interest for you to read the list, but I can almost gurantee I would cry thankful tears while I was thinking of all the things.
...
A lot of that list consists of people. People who show me love and whom I try to show the same in return.
To those people, I love you. You mean more than you know, and if you ever think you don't mean that much to me then just ask me to remind you. You are worth more than you know and if you think this message isn't about you then you are completely wrong.
...
This is not one of the best things I've ever written, but I leave you with this:
You are loved by the greatest of all. He has given you much. See what you have been given. Take a deep breath and slow everything down for just a moment. Just stop. Don't do anything. Be still and see. Imagine if all you can do was taken or you never got to do so much that you have. And just recognize that it warrants a "thank you."
...
You are loved. Maybe by me. And for sure by someone way better than that.
...
Peace.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Be Full
If I live a life that is so full and I am thankful for it all, then even the quiet alone times will be good.
They won't hurt. They won't sting. They won't be empty. And I won't want more.
I will know that I am loved by God, and by some here.
I will be safe.
...
Peace.
They won't hurt. They won't sting. They won't be empty. And I won't want more.
I will know that I am loved by God, and by some here.
I will be safe.
...
Peace.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Lost In Transition
Transitions are interesting. They are mark something fresh and new and they remind us that change exists. But those same characteristics can be what make a transition difficult and unenjoyable.
Yet that is never how we want it to be.
I can't imagine someone wanting a transition they will go through to be difficult, painful, awkward, or sad. We want transitions to be smooth and easy. And we want what is on the other side of the transition to make it all worth it.
...
A lot of my friends and I are at a point of transition right around now. And a lot of us will be at an even bigger one next year at this time. Some people's will be more complex and involve more decision making than others. Some people's transitions will be as smooth as can be. Some people will be making a transition alone, others will be making it with someone they love.
But when it is time to transition, when it is time to change and move on, you can't always delay it.
...
I love to write. I really do. It is so life-giving for me. And I try to write consistently and often because I want to be discipline about it. I think that would be healthy for me.
But I have been having a really hard time writing lately. I haven't felt focused. I haven't been able to focus well on pretty much anything. I haven't been able to focus enough to read anything I can't finish in one sitting. (That's why movies have been so good to me lately)
I think that it is because I am in transition.
...
Transitions, even the not so rough ones, have the ability to knock us off balance. They make us unsteady because things seem to lack predictability. They lack the rhythm we are used to.
We have to dance to a different beat when we start to transition.
...
Some transitions are temporary; a simple shift away from what we are used to for a short time before we go back. Some transitions are permanent; whatever we were doing before is long gone and all we have left is memories of the times behind and the hope of whatever is ahead.
Those ones are scary. Because hope isn't always readily available, so it seems. We don't like the new rhythm, we liked the old one. We don't want just the memories of previous times, we want to continue making new memories of that time.
And we just don't really know if we believe that what is ahead is really going to be worth it.
We really don't know if the new dance will be better than the old one.
...
Transitions are inevitable because change is inevitable. It varies in degree and vastness, but we see change nearly everyday. Our best response would probably be to learn to transition well. Learn to find the hope in new things, even if they aren't our first choice or our choice at all.
Learn to see that God's plan for you will not be foiled and that His intentions for your life are good beyond your comprehension.
And trust that Jesus will dance with you through every transition and on every stage of life you stand on.
...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
...
Peace.
Yet that is never how we want it to be.
I can't imagine someone wanting a transition they will go through to be difficult, painful, awkward, or sad. We want transitions to be smooth and easy. And we want what is on the other side of the transition to make it all worth it.
...
A lot of my friends and I are at a point of transition right around now. And a lot of us will be at an even bigger one next year at this time. Some people's will be more complex and involve more decision making than others. Some people's transitions will be as smooth as can be. Some people will be making a transition alone, others will be making it with someone they love.
But when it is time to transition, when it is time to change and move on, you can't always delay it.
...
I love to write. I really do. It is so life-giving for me. And I try to write consistently and often because I want to be discipline about it. I think that would be healthy for me.
But I have been having a really hard time writing lately. I haven't felt focused. I haven't been able to focus well on pretty much anything. I haven't been able to focus enough to read anything I can't finish in one sitting. (That's why movies have been so good to me lately)
I think that it is because I am in transition.
...
Transitions, even the not so rough ones, have the ability to knock us off balance. They make us unsteady because things seem to lack predictability. They lack the rhythm we are used to.
We have to dance to a different beat when we start to transition.
...
Some transitions are temporary; a simple shift away from what we are used to for a short time before we go back. Some transitions are permanent; whatever we were doing before is long gone and all we have left is memories of the times behind and the hope of whatever is ahead.
Those ones are scary. Because hope isn't always readily available, so it seems. We don't like the new rhythm, we liked the old one. We don't want just the memories of previous times, we want to continue making new memories of that time.
And we just don't really know if we believe that what is ahead is really going to be worth it.
We really don't know if the new dance will be better than the old one.
...
Transitions are inevitable because change is inevitable. It varies in degree and vastness, but we see change nearly everyday. Our best response would probably be to learn to transition well. Learn to find the hope in new things, even if they aren't our first choice or our choice at all.
Learn to see that God's plan for you will not be foiled and that His intentions for your life are good beyond your comprehension.
And trust that Jesus will dance with you through every transition and on every stage of life you stand on.
...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
...
Peace.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Death
I write this blog for an incredibly dear dear friend of mine. I believe these are words they need to hear whenever they are ready. I will not presume to know when that time will be, but these words, although not mine, will be waiting for them.
...
"How they do live on, those giants of our childhood, and how well they manage to take even death in their stride because although death can put an end to them right enough, it can never put an end to our relationship with them. Wherever or however else they may have come to life since, it is beyond a doubt that they live still in us. Memory is more than a looking back to a time that is no longer; it is a looking out into another kind of time altogether where everything that ever was continues not just to be, but to grow and change with the life that is in it still. The people we loved. The people who loved us. The people who, for good or ill, taught us things. Dead and gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us - and through them we come to understand ourselves - in new ways too. Who knows what 'the communion of saints' means, but surely it means more than just that we are all of us haunted by ghosts because they are not ghosts, these people we once knew, not just echoes of voices that have years since ceased to speak, but saints in the sense that through them something of the power and richness of life itself not only touches us once long ago, but continues to touch us. They have their own business to get on with now, I assume - 'increasing in knowledge and love of Thee,' says the Book of Common Prayer, and moving 'from strength to strength,' which sounds like business enough for anybody - and one imagines all of us on this shore fading for them as they journey ahead toward whatever new shore may await them; but it is as if they carry something of us on their way as we assuredly carry something of them on ours. That is perhaps why to think of them is a matter not only of remembering them as they used to be but of seeing and hearing them as in some sense they are now. If they had things to say to us then, they have things to say to us now too, not are they by any means always things we expect or the same things."
Frederick Buechner - The Sacred Journey
...
The dearest people we will ever love will die, whether we are there to mourn or we have already been previously mourned for ourselves. In either instance, although death robs us of people we love in perhaps the way we grasp on to the hardest, those people leave us with pieces of them that we continue to carry.
These pieces remain as real as the people we love ever were.
These pieces remind us of the incredible blessing our loves have been and continue to be to us.
...
I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
...
"How they do live on, those giants of our childhood, and how well they manage to take even death in their stride because although death can put an end to them right enough, it can never put an end to our relationship with them. Wherever or however else they may have come to life since, it is beyond a doubt that they live still in us. Memory is more than a looking back to a time that is no longer; it is a looking out into another kind of time altogether where everything that ever was continues not just to be, but to grow and change with the life that is in it still. The people we loved. The people who loved us. The people who, for good or ill, taught us things. Dead and gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us - and through them we come to understand ourselves - in new ways too. Who knows what 'the communion of saints' means, but surely it means more than just that we are all of us haunted by ghosts because they are not ghosts, these people we once knew, not just echoes of voices that have years since ceased to speak, but saints in the sense that through them something of the power and richness of life itself not only touches us once long ago, but continues to touch us. They have their own business to get on with now, I assume - 'increasing in knowledge and love of Thee,' says the Book of Common Prayer, and moving 'from strength to strength,' which sounds like business enough for anybody - and one imagines all of us on this shore fading for them as they journey ahead toward whatever new shore may await them; but it is as if they carry something of us on their way as we assuredly carry something of them on ours. That is perhaps why to think of them is a matter not only of remembering them as they used to be but of seeing and hearing them as in some sense they are now. If they had things to say to us then, they have things to say to us now too, not are they by any means always things we expect or the same things."
Frederick Buechner - The Sacred Journey
...
The dearest people we will ever love will die, whether we are there to mourn or we have already been previously mourned for ourselves. In either instance, although death robs us of people we love in perhaps the way we grasp on to the hardest, those people leave us with pieces of them that we continue to carry.
These pieces remain as real as the people we love ever were.
These pieces remind us of the incredible blessing our loves have been and continue to be to us.
...
I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Let Go
A friend of mine wrote a facebook note that scares me to death.
The note reminds me that seasons change. Stages in life come and go. Things shift and move in ways that we have no control over.
The scariest thing to me is this: when things change we become okay with it in time.
...
I care about a lot of things, and a lot of people. I have wonderful things in my life right now, and I see wonderful potential in other things that I am constantly pursuing. And just the thought that this is all simply a season of life that will change or fade away and I will be okay with not pursuing these things or not having them in my life anymore is paralyzing.
Literally paralyzing. It makes me want to cry.
...
That is why it makes me sad. It makes me think that eventually I might not care about the things that I care about more than anything in the world right now. It makes me think that everything I've created or worked for will become meaningless.
It makes me think that there may come a day where these things don't have a hold on me anymore.
...
I am afraid to allow life and God to take me wherever it is that I am going because I don't trust them to know what is best for me.
I fight a daily battle to cling to what matters to me instead of holding those things with an open hand. I am terrified the second I loosen my grip they will be taken from me.
And that absolutely breaks my heart. And it only tightens my grip.
...
I talked to my friend about these fears, and she echoed the same thoughts. She is a wonderful thing in my life.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
...
Peace.
The note reminds me that seasons change. Stages in life come and go. Things shift and move in ways that we have no control over.
The scariest thing to me is this: when things change we become okay with it in time.
...
I care about a lot of things, and a lot of people. I have wonderful things in my life right now, and I see wonderful potential in other things that I am constantly pursuing. And just the thought that this is all simply a season of life that will change or fade away and I will be okay with not pursuing these things or not having them in my life anymore is paralyzing.
Literally paralyzing. It makes me want to cry.
...
That is why it makes me sad. It makes me think that eventually I might not care about the things that I care about more than anything in the world right now. It makes me think that everything I've created or worked for will become meaningless.
It makes me think that there may come a day where these things don't have a hold on me anymore.
...
I am afraid to allow life and God to take me wherever it is that I am going because I don't trust them to know what is best for me.
I fight a daily battle to cling to what matters to me instead of holding those things with an open hand. I am terrified the second I loosen my grip they will be taken from me.
And that absolutely breaks my heart. And it only tightens my grip.
...
I talked to my friend about these fears, and she echoed the same thoughts. She is a wonderful thing in my life.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
...
Peace.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Gifts
I write things on my skin. I write things on my skin that I know have substance. I write things on my skin that deserve to be written somewhere and displayed to me and others because writing those things anywhere else wouldn't do the words justice.
I suppose that's why people get tattoos.
...
I wrote "See God's Gifts" on my hand recently. I don't really know why. I think I did it because I'm not thankful. I'm thankful for people and what they do for me a lot of times, but not thankful for things that are consistent or constant.
My downfall, and the downfall of a lot of people I think, is that when we look around us we will too often just accept that everything just "is what it is." This is just how things work and there is no merit in spending effort trying to think about where these things came from or what they are or why we have them.
...
When you start to think about that, it is exhausting; I'll admit to that. But it is also rewarding. It is rewarding because we become thankful when we can start to see how different (often times in not so preferable ways) our lives would be.
We become aware of what an impact these constant and consistent things have in our lives. And so we become thankful for them.
...
I have come to accept that everything I experience shapes me. Every story I tell or don't tell about myself has had an impact on me in a way that is probably more profound than I can realize. It impacts what I find worthwhile, humorous, detestable, valuable, lovable, enjoyable, and so on.
My struggle becomes recognizing that in the middle of a story I am currently a part of that I am being impacted in ways that will affect me long after this story has come to a close. Whether this is a story with a fairytale ending or a heartbreaking ending, this story will impact me beyond its conclusion.
...
When the story I am living right now sucks, as happens from time to time, then I'm normally not a very thankful person. I am not able to see the benefits of the bad times until they are long since over.
Retrospect is what allows me to see the good things that have come out of my life because of the bad times. But there has almost always been a good thing that came out of those bad times. No matter how bad.
...
So here is my conclusion:
Seeing God's Gifts is more than just about seeing the little things. It's more than just about seeing the big things. It's about seeing the things that God uses to change us. It's about looking around you, right in the midst of where you are, and becoming aware that God is doing things at this point in your life, right now, that are going to be influential.
It's about knowing that God is working to bring His will to pass in your life, and in this world. It is about being thankful that we are a part of that process.
It is a gift for us to be a part of that process.
...
Peace.
I suppose that's why people get tattoos.
...
I wrote "See God's Gifts" on my hand recently. I don't really know why. I think I did it because I'm not thankful. I'm thankful for people and what they do for me a lot of times, but not thankful for things that are consistent or constant.
My downfall, and the downfall of a lot of people I think, is that when we look around us we will too often just accept that everything just "is what it is." This is just how things work and there is no merit in spending effort trying to think about where these things came from or what they are or why we have them.
...
When you start to think about that, it is exhausting; I'll admit to that. But it is also rewarding. It is rewarding because we become thankful when we can start to see how different (often times in not so preferable ways) our lives would be.
We become aware of what an impact these constant and consistent things have in our lives. And so we become thankful for them.
...
I have come to accept that everything I experience shapes me. Every story I tell or don't tell about myself has had an impact on me in a way that is probably more profound than I can realize. It impacts what I find worthwhile, humorous, detestable, valuable, lovable, enjoyable, and so on.
My struggle becomes recognizing that in the middle of a story I am currently a part of that I am being impacted in ways that will affect me long after this story has come to a close. Whether this is a story with a fairytale ending or a heartbreaking ending, this story will impact me beyond its conclusion.
...
When the story I am living right now sucks, as happens from time to time, then I'm normally not a very thankful person. I am not able to see the benefits of the bad times until they are long since over.
Retrospect is what allows me to see the good things that have come out of my life because of the bad times. But there has almost always been a good thing that came out of those bad times. No matter how bad.
...
So here is my conclusion:
Seeing God's Gifts is more than just about seeing the little things. It's more than just about seeing the big things. It's about seeing the things that God uses to change us. It's about looking around you, right in the midst of where you are, and becoming aware that God is doing things at this point in your life, right now, that are going to be influential.
It's about knowing that God is working to bring His will to pass in your life, and in this world. It is about being thankful that we are a part of that process.
It is a gift for us to be a part of that process.
...
Peace.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
I Can Handle It
The way that I tend to think about my life is... odd. At least I think so when I compare it to other peoples.
I feel like I am forever on this path of self-discovery that is sometimes fulfilling and sometimes heartbreaking.
...
If you read this blog then you have seen me realize so many of my shortcomings and the things I am poor at and rarely mention things I feel good at or comfortable doing. And, honestly, I think that is the consistent pattern of my mind;
I realize and try to come to terms with many many things that I am poor at and I rarely allow myself to enjoy the things that I am good at or do well.
...
Mainly, I'm terrified of my pride. I know I am ambitious, and I know that I can easily think too much of myself. So I keep myself down by trying to always dig up things I struggle with or have a hard time with and beat myself up over them mainly in the name of humility.
But even that backfires. I do things all the time that put me in compromising positions and are situations i would never encourage another person to do. But I put myself in those situations because, "I can handle it." "I can take it."
Do you know how stupid that is of me?!?!
That whole attitude of, "I can handle tension and the pain and everything else more than anyone else" is thinking too much of myself at its finest.
...
I really do not know how to end this blog. I guess, here is what I've come to accept:
I do have pride issues. Always have. As my best friend put it once, I have a very real potentially dark side of my personality concerning pride.
In an effort to control those issues, I dwell on things that I'm not good at and I am on an never-ending quest to always be aware of the things I struggle with so I can try and make myself better.
I also have a habit to putting myself in situations and circumstances I would not advise other people to be in because "I can handle it," and that is not wise of me. It is me thinking too much of myself.
I do not feel balanced or healthy with my faith, and thus, the rest of my life right now. I feel stretched, inadequate, and shallow. I feel like I have walls up, and I hate having walls up.
And I don't think much is going to change in these things in my life unless I start to balance out my life with God being part of my life in a way He hasn't been lately.
...
"For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."
2 Timothy 4:7-8
...
I'm running, man. I'm really trying. I promise.
...
Peace.
I feel like I am forever on this path of self-discovery that is sometimes fulfilling and sometimes heartbreaking.
...
If you read this blog then you have seen me realize so many of my shortcomings and the things I am poor at and rarely mention things I feel good at or comfortable doing. And, honestly, I think that is the consistent pattern of my mind;
I realize and try to come to terms with many many things that I am poor at and I rarely allow myself to enjoy the things that I am good at or do well.
...
Mainly, I'm terrified of my pride. I know I am ambitious, and I know that I can easily think too much of myself. So I keep myself down by trying to always dig up things I struggle with or have a hard time with and beat myself up over them mainly in the name of humility.
But even that backfires. I do things all the time that put me in compromising positions and are situations i would never encourage another person to do. But I put myself in those situations because, "I can handle it." "I can take it."
Do you know how stupid that is of me?!?!
That whole attitude of, "I can handle tension and the pain and everything else more than anyone else" is thinking too much of myself at its finest.
...
I really do not know how to end this blog. I guess, here is what I've come to accept:
I do have pride issues. Always have. As my best friend put it once, I have a very real potentially dark side of my personality concerning pride.
In an effort to control those issues, I dwell on things that I'm not good at and I am on an never-ending quest to always be aware of the things I struggle with so I can try and make myself better.
I also have a habit to putting myself in situations and circumstances I would not advise other people to be in because "I can handle it," and that is not wise of me. It is me thinking too much of myself.
I do not feel balanced or healthy with my faith, and thus, the rest of my life right now. I feel stretched, inadequate, and shallow. I feel like I have walls up, and I hate having walls up.
And I don't think much is going to change in these things in my life unless I start to balance out my life with God being part of my life in a way He hasn't been lately.
...
"For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."
2 Timothy 4:7-8
...
I'm running, man. I'm really trying. I promise.
...
Peace.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Experience
Here, I will state my main theological understanding that one day may be my claim to fame.
(Although, I do highly doubt that it is new. It is probably just more unarticulated.)
...
For the record, I hate the Wesleyan Quadrilateral.
Or rather, I have hated most every single discussion I have ever had in a theology class where people have had to use it or apply it to their own faith.
But, that is probably because no one ever agrees with me. Ha.
...
This may be incredibly boring, but if you want to hear my frustration, follow me on this.
The Wesleyan Quadrilateral has 4 things:
Scripture
Experience
Tradition
Reason
Now, the purpose of the Wesleyan Quadrilateral is to help understand what matters in your faith. What is paramount over everything else.
...
Some people make the claim that they cannot split apart any of the 4 because they all play on each other.
And I agree, BUT I also have always been very convicted that experience, my life experience, is what determines whether or not I remain a Christian or I do not.
...
Here is my conclusion:
Christian scripture and the faith's tradition interpret my experience. When tradition fails to interpret my experience, as it often has, I have found that tradition to still be valuable, but far from essential. The day that scripture no longer is able to speak to my experience, is the day I leave the Christian faith as I know it. However, to this day, scripture has been better able to interpret my experience in intelligible and rational ways more than anything else I’ve ever encountered in my life.
Thus, I have finally articulated my perspective on the Wesleyan Quadrilateral.
...
Here's where it gets interesting.
I think that what I just said above is true of all Christ followers. They will not, apart from divine intervention (which is not on the quadrilateral I mind you), continue to follow this faith if all of a sudden the faith was not able to resonate with their experience and who they were or where they came from.
That's why so many Liberation theologies have been written. People have looked for a church to teach the gospel to them in a way that respects their story and their stuggle and where they are coming from. The problem is that because churches failed to reach out to those communities, they decided to create an entirely new branch of Christianity when all that really needed to be had were some honest and open discussions.
If those discussions had been had, I am convinced that we could have avoided having the pendulum swing too far away in reaction. Unfortunately, overcompensation is a repetitive sin in the church.
...
Luckily, I also believe that the Bible (and maybe some traditions) do speak to people in their experience, no matter where their life is. I think God is able to resonate with all people in all places and all that they deal with in their lives.
...
God resonates with the CEO in Hollywood and resonates with the homeless man in Ohio.
God resonates with the Middle Eastern dictator and the Asian expereincing oppression.
God resonates with the middle class family in New York and the gambling addict in Las Vegas.
...
God is a God who created this world, created all of us, and lived this life. He knows what it is to be in our shoes. He is above all of our experiences and transcends the lives we live.
And most importantly, He loves us.
He loves you.
...
For God so loved the world...
....
Peace.
(Although, I do highly doubt that it is new. It is probably just more unarticulated.)
...
For the record, I hate the Wesleyan Quadrilateral.
Or rather, I have hated most every single discussion I have ever had in a theology class where people have had to use it or apply it to their own faith.
But, that is probably because no one ever agrees with me. Ha.
...
This may be incredibly boring, but if you want to hear my frustration, follow me on this.
The Wesleyan Quadrilateral has 4 things:
Scripture
Experience
Tradition
Reason
Now, the purpose of the Wesleyan Quadrilateral is to help understand what matters in your faith. What is paramount over everything else.
...
Some people make the claim that they cannot split apart any of the 4 because they all play on each other.
And I agree, BUT I also have always been very convicted that experience, my life experience, is what determines whether or not I remain a Christian or I do not.
...
Here is my conclusion:
Christian scripture and the faith's tradition interpret my experience. When tradition fails to interpret my experience, as it often has, I have found that tradition to still be valuable, but far from essential. The day that scripture no longer is able to speak to my experience, is the day I leave the Christian faith as I know it. However, to this day, scripture has been better able to interpret my experience in intelligible and rational ways more than anything else I’ve ever encountered in my life.
Thus, I have finally articulated my perspective on the Wesleyan Quadrilateral.
...
Here's where it gets interesting.
I think that what I just said above is true of all Christ followers. They will not, apart from divine intervention (which is not on the quadrilateral I mind you), continue to follow this faith if all of a sudden the faith was not able to resonate with their experience and who they were or where they came from.
That's why so many Liberation theologies have been written. People have looked for a church to teach the gospel to them in a way that respects their story and their stuggle and where they are coming from. The problem is that because churches failed to reach out to those communities, they decided to create an entirely new branch of Christianity when all that really needed to be had were some honest and open discussions.
If those discussions had been had, I am convinced that we could have avoided having the pendulum swing too far away in reaction. Unfortunately, overcompensation is a repetitive sin in the church.
...
Luckily, I also believe that the Bible (and maybe some traditions) do speak to people in their experience, no matter where their life is. I think God is able to resonate with all people in all places and all that they deal with in their lives.
...
God resonates with the CEO in Hollywood and resonates with the homeless man in Ohio.
God resonates with the Middle Eastern dictator and the Asian expereincing oppression.
God resonates with the middle class family in New York and the gambling addict in Las Vegas.
...
God is a God who created this world, created all of us, and lived this life. He knows what it is to be in our shoes. He is above all of our experiences and transcends the lives we live.
And most importantly, He loves us.
He loves you.
...
For God so loved the world...
....
Peace.
Lovely Things
I was in California this past week. Furthest I've ever been from home.
Pasadena was beautiful. I loved it.
I'd love to live out there someday. Maybe in a few years.
...
Pasadena was lovely. It was busy and urban but it felt fresh. A lot of urban places I've been all have a very distinct feeling of being on the downside. Their glory days have come and gone. They have a slight feeling of rundown-ness.
Maybe it was because I was on the west coast, but things just felt fresh. The weather, the people, the houses, the buildings, the trees. It was all fresh.
And it was refreshing.
...
I saw the ocean for the first time ever. I loved it.
Which is odd. I am normally terrified of the ocean, but I still loved seeing it, and hearing it, and smelling it, and touching it for the first time. It was really a cool experience. We got there at sunset, which made it even more lovely.
The ocean is a really big thing, and that's why I don't like it. You can't trust it. Especially when you can't see land. Then you are in big trouble.
...
I don't know what else to say really. The ocean was lovely. And I love lovely things.
There are lots of lovely things in my life right now. Some more lovely than others. And some I see more than others.
But I am thankful for them all. Those things and the moments I get to see them or talk to them or touch them are the moments that make life worth living.
It's experiencing something I don't deserve at all. And that only happens by grace.
...
When you experience something lovely, and you know you are only able to do that because of grace, it makes everything so much clearer.
It makes me thankful for that lovely thing.
And it makes me thankful for grace.
...
Peace.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Prophetic
...This is the current background on my computer.
I've realized that whenever I change the wallpaper on my computer, I feel like it somehow symbolically represents my life.
Sometimes I think it reflects what my life currently feels like.
Sometimes when that isn't the case, I've caught myself looking back at my life since I changed the background, and the picture had actually become appropriate for what my life had started to feel like.
...
Today I came across this photo again. And for the first time I looked at it's name.
It's called "Tracks to Nowhere."
...
Peace.
Actions Scream Louder Than Words
Sometimes I feel God calling me to do particular things. Calling me to pursue something specific. To do something that is clear-cut.
And I kick and scream.
...
I do this for two related reasons.
The first reason is: As long as I do it, I don't think it really matters if I am willing or not.
If God is calling me to do something and I do it, then He will make it happen if it has to for his kingdom. At least I truly believe that. Whether I do it kicking and screaming or I do it with a big smile doesn't change the fact that God will make it happen if it has to for His purposes (most of the time, that is - there are some exceptions but what I'm referring to isn't one of those exceptions).
The second reason is: If I convince myself that fulfilling this calling isn't really important or preferable, I won't be as disappointed if I fail.
Think about it. If God says, "Nick, I want you to do this," and then I say, "Ugh... I don't really want to. That's not what I want to do!" Then if it doesn't work out or something falls apart or I fail, then I'm not as disappointed. "I didn't want to do that anyways. Must have not been something God had for me."
I safeguard myself against feeling like a failure.
...
A friend of mine recently read my post Price Check and sent me a message. It was great to hear from him. We met this summer for a week and haven't really spoken since.
One thing he reminded me of smacked me in the face so hard.
"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:33
...
I suck at that so much. It's all about me. I'm what matters. Me. Me. ME!
How distorted is that? How awful is that? I mean, the verse has implications that carry over to more than just food and drink and clothing. Those things are what Jesus is specifically referring to, but the bigger idea is that God will take care of me and make me secure.
...
I can be secure in Jesus.
...
If you look at my life lately, you can see that no matter how much I say that, my actions don't affirm that it's what I actually believe.
I'm secure in having the things I want. That's what my actions say. And they don't even say it.
They scream it. At the top of their lungs.
...
But my actions speak the truth. They tell the world that my kingdom, with my things, and my desires, and my wants, and my aspirations matter far more than God's.
At the end of the day I just don't trust God. I don't trust God enough to add those things to me.
If I pursue His will and His kingdom and His desire for my life and this world, then He will take care of me and I will be secure.
But my actions claim that I don't actually believe that. Or, even worse, if I do believe it then I've decided that my wants are just utterly more important than God's.
And that. Is. Awful. And it makes me awful.
...
I'm sorry. I don't necessarily owe you an apology, but I very well might. I sure feel like I owe everyone an apology.
So I'm sorry.
...
My Jesus,
I'll follow you as long as I can see
I'll stand by you as they criticize
And then among all the critics, I'll hear my own words...
Forgive my inconsistency
Amen
...
Peace.
And I kick and scream.
...
I do this for two related reasons.
The first reason is: As long as I do it, I don't think it really matters if I am willing or not.
If God is calling me to do something and I do it, then He will make it happen if it has to for his kingdom. At least I truly believe that. Whether I do it kicking and screaming or I do it with a big smile doesn't change the fact that God will make it happen if it has to for His purposes (most of the time, that is - there are some exceptions but what I'm referring to isn't one of those exceptions).
The second reason is: If I convince myself that fulfilling this calling isn't really important or preferable, I won't be as disappointed if I fail.
Think about it. If God says, "Nick, I want you to do this," and then I say, "Ugh... I don't really want to. That's not what I want to do!" Then if it doesn't work out or something falls apart or I fail, then I'm not as disappointed. "I didn't want to do that anyways. Must have not been something God had for me."
I safeguard myself against feeling like a failure.
...
A friend of mine recently read my post Price Check and sent me a message. It was great to hear from him. We met this summer for a week and haven't really spoken since.
One thing he reminded me of smacked me in the face so hard.
"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:33
...
I suck at that so much. It's all about me. I'm what matters. Me. Me. ME!
How distorted is that? How awful is that? I mean, the verse has implications that carry over to more than just food and drink and clothing. Those things are what Jesus is specifically referring to, but the bigger idea is that God will take care of me and make me secure.
...
I can be secure in Jesus.
...
If you look at my life lately, you can see that no matter how much I say that, my actions don't affirm that it's what I actually believe.
I'm secure in having the things I want. That's what my actions say. And they don't even say it.
They scream it. At the top of their lungs.
...
But my actions speak the truth. They tell the world that my kingdom, with my things, and my desires, and my wants, and my aspirations matter far more than God's.
At the end of the day I just don't trust God. I don't trust God enough to add those things to me.
If I pursue His will and His kingdom and His desire for my life and this world, then He will take care of me and I will be secure.
But my actions claim that I don't actually believe that. Or, even worse, if I do believe it then I've decided that my wants are just utterly more important than God's.
And that. Is. Awful. And it makes me awful.
...
I'm sorry. I don't necessarily owe you an apology, but I very well might. I sure feel like I owe everyone an apology.
So I'm sorry.
...
My Jesus,
I'll follow you as long as I can see
I'll stand by you as they criticize
And then among all the critics, I'll hear my own words...
Forgive my inconsistency
Amen
...
Peace.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Jerkface
Do you know the feeling you have after you just treated someone poorly? The feeling you have when you were just mean to someone and you feel really crappy because of it. You don't want to apologize because it wasn't that big of a deal, but you still feel like a jerk.
...
Do you know the feeling you have when your life is just imbalanced or off center? Things just don't feel right and it's so draining. It's almost like nothing feels right, but it isn't awful either. Life's just a little bit off and it's so draining.
...
I have been feeling both those feelings constantly for weeks.
Constantly.
...
The conclusion my mind has come to is that: I am a jerk. I am a prick. I am an ass.
I am a very ungraceful person.
I have concluded the reason I feel off center is because I am a jerk, and I am jerk because I feel like one constantly. As you can see, these two feelings create a cycle that is no fun.
...
If you read my blog Price Check then you might wonder if this feeling is related to what I wrote about in that blog.
The answer is a resounding yes. Although, I really don't know how.
If I'm honest, so many things have come to my attention over the past month because of the things I wrote about in Price Check. And every single one of those realizations has sucked.
Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked.
But, I'm grateful I've come to the realizations. Truly.
...
I would always rather have the truth than ignorance. Always.
...
The worst part of where my mind is going is that I do not know what to do about any of this.
None of it.
I do not know how to fix whatever is wrong. I don't know what practical things I need to change or concentrate on or work on to make this better. I truly do not know what to do.
I'm stuck.
...
So I pray. And I tell some select friends. I ask them to pray. And I talk to God. And I try to think I'm valuable.
But that is a tough pill to swallow.
Either way, I don't know what else to do. I really don't.
So I'm praying.
...
I'm sorry if I was a jerk to you. And I mean that. Regardless of the moment, you deserve better than that.
And I'm trying to accept that I deserve better too.
I'm getting there.
...
Peace.
...
Do you know the feeling you have when your life is just imbalanced or off center? Things just don't feel right and it's so draining. It's almost like nothing feels right, but it isn't awful either. Life's just a little bit off and it's so draining.
...
I have been feeling both those feelings constantly for weeks.
Constantly.
...
The conclusion my mind has come to is that: I am a jerk. I am a prick. I am an ass.
I am a very ungraceful person.
I have concluded the reason I feel off center is because I am a jerk, and I am jerk because I feel like one constantly. As you can see, these two feelings create a cycle that is no fun.
...
If you read my blog Price Check then you might wonder if this feeling is related to what I wrote about in that blog.
The answer is a resounding yes. Although, I really don't know how.
If I'm honest, so many things have come to my attention over the past month because of the things I wrote about in Price Check. And every single one of those realizations has sucked.
Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked.
But, I'm grateful I've come to the realizations. Truly.
...
I would always rather have the truth than ignorance. Always.
...
The worst part of where my mind is going is that I do not know what to do about any of this.
None of it.
I do not know how to fix whatever is wrong. I don't know what practical things I need to change or concentrate on or work on to make this better. I truly do not know what to do.
I'm stuck.
...
So I pray. And I tell some select friends. I ask them to pray. And I talk to God. And I try to think I'm valuable.
But that is a tough pill to swallow.
Either way, I don't know what else to do. I really don't.
So I'm praying.
...
I'm sorry if I was a jerk to you. And I mean that. Regardless of the moment, you deserve better than that.
And I'm trying to accept that I deserve better too.
I'm getting there.
...
Peace.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sean
In high school I had a friend named Sean. Sean was amazing. Sean had more passion in his little finger than I have in my entire body. Sean had more potential than anyone I'd ever met.
And Sean threw it all away.
...
Sean loved God.
Sean wanted to love people.
Sean wanted to bring Jesus everywhere he went.
...
Sean was made to do those things. It was obvious. You could see it. Everyone could.
Sean oozed potential that put me to shame.
And Sean threw it away.
...
One of the most insightful things Sean ever said was this:
"Most of the time, when people who say they want to give all of their life to God and have Him completely transform their lives, they don't really mean what they just said. What they really mean is 'take everything in my life, except my desire to date someone,' or 'take everything, but my ability to smoke weed,' or 'take all of me except my occasional getting drunk at parties,' or, 'take all of me, except the sex with my girlfriend.' When that is our attitude then we aren't being upfront with God. When we tell God, 'take everything but just this little piece' God responds, 'Then keep everything. That's it. It's all or nothing.'"
...
When you read that you can sense the passion. He was a person who had done it all the wrong way. He was a person that knew Jesus was more real then everything else he had ever put his life into.
That quote was so genuine from Sean because he had been the same person who said, "Take it all except this. Take it all except that."
"Take everything I am... except the things that are hardest to let go of."
...
Eventually, Sean lost something. Or he gained something. I don't which. But it wasn't good.
It wasn't good.
...
Sean began saying the same things he used to. The same things he knew were going to kill him.
Somewhere along the line, Sean began to believe that he could get by because he thought he could be an exception. And that attitude destroyed him.
He lost his passion.
He lost his love.
He got hit with so much hardship and he had nothing in himself that could save him. At the end of the day, Sean never wanted to give it all to Jesus.
He was addicted to his life, no matter how destructive it was.
...
One of the most painful things I've ever watched was Sean's life go the way it has. To see a person who has so much potential and passion not be strong enough to sustain it...
It's more than awful.
...
I write this because I see people who are like Sean.
They have his potential.
They have his passion.
And they are on the verge. They are at the crossroads Sean walked to. And I don't want to see them go the way Sean went.
Because watching that is more than heartbreaking.
...
And the scariest thing. The absolute most terrifying thing. Is that sometimes...
I am Sean.
...
Sometimes I see myself doing things things and making decisions that I know aren't from Jesus.
They are from me.
...
I love Sean. I miss Sean.
But I don't ever want to be Sean.
...
God, save us.
...
Peace.
And Sean threw it all away.
...
Sean loved God.
Sean wanted to love people.
Sean wanted to bring Jesus everywhere he went.
...
Sean was made to do those things. It was obvious. You could see it. Everyone could.
Sean oozed potential that put me to shame.
And Sean threw it away.
...
One of the most insightful things Sean ever said was this:
"Most of the time, when people who say they want to give all of their life to God and have Him completely transform their lives, they don't really mean what they just said. What they really mean is 'take everything in my life, except my desire to date someone,' or 'take everything, but my ability to smoke weed,' or 'take all of me except my occasional getting drunk at parties,' or, 'take all of me, except the sex with my girlfriend.' When that is our attitude then we aren't being upfront with God. When we tell God, 'take everything but just this little piece' God responds, 'Then keep everything. That's it. It's all or nothing.'"
...
When you read that you can sense the passion. He was a person who had done it all the wrong way. He was a person that knew Jesus was more real then everything else he had ever put his life into.
That quote was so genuine from Sean because he had been the same person who said, "Take it all except this. Take it all except that."
"Take everything I am... except the things that are hardest to let go of."
...
Eventually, Sean lost something. Or he gained something. I don't which. But it wasn't good.
It wasn't good.
...
Sean began saying the same things he used to. The same things he knew were going to kill him.
Somewhere along the line, Sean began to believe that he could get by because he thought he could be an exception. And that attitude destroyed him.
He lost his passion.
He lost his love.
He got hit with so much hardship and he had nothing in himself that could save him. At the end of the day, Sean never wanted to give it all to Jesus.
He was addicted to his life, no matter how destructive it was.
...
One of the most painful things I've ever watched was Sean's life go the way it has. To see a person who has so much potential and passion not be strong enough to sustain it...
It's more than awful.
...
I write this because I see people who are like Sean.
They have his potential.
They have his passion.
And they are on the verge. They are at the crossroads Sean walked to. And I don't want to see them go the way Sean went.
Because watching that is more than heartbreaking.
...
And the scariest thing. The absolute most terrifying thing. Is that sometimes...
I am Sean.
...
Sometimes I see myself doing things things and making decisions that I know aren't from Jesus.
They are from me.
...
I love Sean. I miss Sean.
But I don't ever want to be Sean.
...
God, save us.
...
Peace.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Africa. Not Virginia.
I need to go to Africa.
I'm called. Not permanently (I don't think). But I need to go and experience it. I need to go to the slums. I need to put faces with names and stories on the things that are just numbers and statistics to me. I need to put faces on those kids and hear the stories of those families.
I don't know when I have to go, but I have to go. Soon. In the next few years.
...
I almost want to go alone. I don't want it to be safe. I don't want it to be planned. I want to have only God to trust in.
He'll take care of me.
I want to go and have God show me what God wants to show me. I'll just show up, because He is already there.
...
I want it to destroy me.
...
I want to take my family there when I have one. I want them to know what life is like for some people. So they never think we need a big house or nice things. I want them to always know that a world outside theirs exists.
Because when I was growing up I never knew that, and I so wish I had.
...
If I see Africa, I know it will never let wanting what I want rule me. It will help always want what God wants.
I won't let me just have a nice house in the suburbs and pretend like suffering doesn't exist.
Jesus would hate that.
...
I'm called to engage the suffering for the rest of my life, and Africa won't let me forget that.
...
If I was in the suburbs and lived like I did when I grew up, then I would have false security. I would feel secure because of myself, not because of God.
I would have material comfort. I don't want that, because I would know it was fake.
...
Nice things aren't fulfilling. Jesus is fulfilling. Doing His work is fulfilling.
Engaging this world is fulfilling.
Because then I know it's Jesus that is taking care of me. I trust Him more than myself, even if I'll never admit it.
...
Someone used to tell me that after they graduated they wanted to move to Virginia and live in the mountains and have a nice house and live that kind of life.
I can't live that life. I'm called to something more.
...
I'm called to Africa. I'm not called to Virginia. Maybe you are. That's okay. Go there. Love people. Jesus is in Virginia. But I'm not.
Africa. Not Virginia.
...
Peace.
I'm called. Not permanently (I don't think). But I need to go and experience it. I need to go to the slums. I need to put faces with names and stories on the things that are just numbers and statistics to me. I need to put faces on those kids and hear the stories of those families.
I don't know when I have to go, but I have to go. Soon. In the next few years.
...
I almost want to go alone. I don't want it to be safe. I don't want it to be planned. I want to have only God to trust in.
He'll take care of me.
I want to go and have God show me what God wants to show me. I'll just show up, because He is already there.
...
I want it to destroy me.
...
I want to take my family there when I have one. I want them to know what life is like for some people. So they never think we need a big house or nice things. I want them to always know that a world outside theirs exists.
Because when I was growing up I never knew that, and I so wish I had.
...
If I see Africa, I know it will never let wanting what I want rule me. It will help always want what God wants.
I won't let me just have a nice house in the suburbs and pretend like suffering doesn't exist.
Jesus would hate that.
...
I'm called to engage the suffering for the rest of my life, and Africa won't let me forget that.
...
If I was in the suburbs and lived like I did when I grew up, then I would have false security. I would feel secure because of myself, not because of God.
I would have material comfort. I don't want that, because I would know it was fake.
...
Nice things aren't fulfilling. Jesus is fulfilling. Doing His work is fulfilling.
Engaging this world is fulfilling.
Because then I know it's Jesus that is taking care of me. I trust Him more than myself, even if I'll never admit it.
...
Someone used to tell me that after they graduated they wanted to move to Virginia and live in the mountains and have a nice house and live that kind of life.
I can't live that life. I'm called to something more.
...
I'm called to Africa. I'm not called to Virginia. Maybe you are. That's okay. Go there. Love people. Jesus is in Virginia. But I'm not.
Africa. Not Virginia.
...
Peace.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Price Check
One of the most providential things about my life is timing. I am positively convinced that the timing of things on my mind over the past week or so has been completely providential.
...
I reread Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell over Xmas break, and this past week I typed up all the quotes from the book that I valued and saved them on my computer. I love quotes.
One of the quotes was, "I heard a teacher say that if people were taught more about who they are, they wouldn’t have to be told what to do. It would come naturally."
When I typed that up I realized how true that had to be because it was how I lived. I treated people as if that was what I believed about them. I tell people that they are valuable and loved and precious because I believe that is what will change them. That is what they need to hear. And that is what is true.
...
I started living that way probably close to a year and a half ago. I read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller in the summer of 2007. In that book, Donald talks about how we treat love like a commodity. He would give it to people who he thought had earned it by doing good things or gave it to people in hopes of getting something else he wanted from them in return.
That is how I lived. Love is not a commodity, though. And so I stopped. I started to recognize value and worth in people no matter what, and so I started to love people recklessly. I gave love away lavishly. I started to love people until they broke me.
I believe I am blessed to be able to love people the way I can. And that became my favorite thing about myself. My ability to love.
...
I was talking to a great friend of mine last night and got smacked right in the face with the fact that I don't love myself well. I value other people, but I've been putting myself down and keeping myself down for a long long time.
I don't ever remember liking myself.
What I really came to grips with is how bad this is ruining me. I realized I can't do anything well because of it. I can't love people well, I can't be secure, and I sure as hell can't be in a romantic relationship with someone if I don't love myself. I am constantly relying on other people to make me feel lovable and have any kind of worth.
...
The worth I saw in everyone else, I didn't see in myself at all.
In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller says that he got to a point where he would never talk to someone the way he talked to himself, and somehow he had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but okay to do it to himself.
That is how I've felt.
...
And I kept it that way on purpose. I've been keeping it that way on purpose because I've been afraid I couldn't love myself and love people. I couldn't do both.
I thought if I loved myself I would feel secure and content and I would lose the incentive to love people the way I do. I thought I would stop loving them because I wouldn't need it in return. That wasn't the only reason I loved people, but I've been afraid that if I loved myself and didn't rely on anyone else's love then I wouldn't be as reckless with how I loved people. And I don't want to not be reckless.
I like that I'm reckless with my love for people.
...
But. I have to love myself. It says love your neighbor as yourself, so it has to be possible. Has to be.
I love people but if push came to shove I would collapse and kill myself and whoever I was trying to love. Because I don't see anything valuable in me. I've never felt anything other than dissatisfaction with myself.
Ever.
...
I've been feeling like I was dying inside for so long because I was letting Jesus love me, but only through other people. I could never sustain anything on my own.
But that has to change. So I'm going to work on it.
This is me working on it.
...
I know I am loved. I am valuable. God loves me. Always.
"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8
...
Peace.
...
I reread Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell over Xmas break, and this past week I typed up all the quotes from the book that I valued and saved them on my computer. I love quotes.
One of the quotes was, "I heard a teacher say that if people were taught more about who they are, they wouldn’t have to be told what to do. It would come naturally."
When I typed that up I realized how true that had to be because it was how I lived. I treated people as if that was what I believed about them. I tell people that they are valuable and loved and precious because I believe that is what will change them. That is what they need to hear. And that is what is true.
...
I started living that way probably close to a year and a half ago. I read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller in the summer of 2007. In that book, Donald talks about how we treat love like a commodity. He would give it to people who he thought had earned it by doing good things or gave it to people in hopes of getting something else he wanted from them in return.
That is how I lived. Love is not a commodity, though. And so I stopped. I started to recognize value and worth in people no matter what, and so I started to love people recklessly. I gave love away lavishly. I started to love people until they broke me.
I believe I am blessed to be able to love people the way I can. And that became my favorite thing about myself. My ability to love.
...
I was talking to a great friend of mine last night and got smacked right in the face with the fact that I don't love myself well. I value other people, but I've been putting myself down and keeping myself down for a long long time.
I don't ever remember liking myself.
What I really came to grips with is how bad this is ruining me. I realized I can't do anything well because of it. I can't love people well, I can't be secure, and I sure as hell can't be in a romantic relationship with someone if I don't love myself. I am constantly relying on other people to make me feel lovable and have any kind of worth.
...
The worth I saw in everyone else, I didn't see in myself at all.
In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller says that he got to a point where he would never talk to someone the way he talked to himself, and somehow he had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but okay to do it to himself.
That is how I've felt.
...
And I kept it that way on purpose. I've been keeping it that way on purpose because I've been afraid I couldn't love myself and love people. I couldn't do both.
I thought if I loved myself I would feel secure and content and I would lose the incentive to love people the way I do. I thought I would stop loving them because I wouldn't need it in return. That wasn't the only reason I loved people, but I've been afraid that if I loved myself and didn't rely on anyone else's love then I wouldn't be as reckless with how I loved people. And I don't want to not be reckless.
I like that I'm reckless with my love for people.
...
But. I have to love myself. It says love your neighbor as yourself, so it has to be possible. Has to be.
I love people but if push came to shove I would collapse and kill myself and whoever I was trying to love. Because I don't see anything valuable in me. I've never felt anything other than dissatisfaction with myself.
Ever.
...
I've been feeling like I was dying inside for so long because I was letting Jesus love me, but only through other people. I could never sustain anything on my own.
But that has to change. So I'm going to work on it.
This is me working on it.
...
I know I am loved. I am valuable. God loves me. Always.
"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8
...
Peace.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Details
I was praying yesterday and I started to pray that I can just sit back in my life and watch things play out.
Watch things play out without becoming so invested and emotionally hooked over things that are happening in my life.
...
I want more trust in God. More trust that if I'm not incredibly proactive about every single thing that the big picture of my life will still be good; even if the details don't always go the way I think I want them to.
I have a terrible habit of getting really involved and invested in things that are just details. Details that i could/should probably just leave to God.
...
I asked God to help me relax and sit back. To not become so attached to a particular detail that it hurts me when it doesn't go my way.
If there is any short-coming in how I interact with God and live my life, that's it: I don't trust Him with the details.
...
I trust Him with the big picture, but not the details.
...
Peace.
Watch things play out without becoming so invested and emotionally hooked over things that are happening in my life.
...
I want more trust in God. More trust that if I'm not incredibly proactive about every single thing that the big picture of my life will still be good; even if the details don't always go the way I think I want them to.
I have a terrible habit of getting really involved and invested in things that are just details. Details that i could/should probably just leave to God.
...
I asked God to help me relax and sit back. To not become so attached to a particular detail that it hurts me when it doesn't go my way.
If there is any short-coming in how I interact with God and live my life, that's it: I don't trust Him with the details.
...
I trust Him with the big picture, but not the details.
...
Peace.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Bond. James Bond.
I went and saw Quantum of Solace again last night. I love it far more than Casino Royale, and I am well aware that puts me in the minority of people. I LOVE Quantum of Solace. I love Daniel Craig in that movie. I love Bond in that movie. I love all the shots. I love everything Marc Forster did. I love the script. I love everything about it.
I want to be that Bond. I want to be that attractive, that confident, and that carefree. I want it.
...
I'm incredibly jealous of James Bond in that movie because he loves no one. He loved someone, and they were taken from him. Sure he is hurting, and probably dying inside, but for some reason, in my current position in life, I see him as free. He is actually engulfed in anguish and revenge, but he truly has nothing to lose and nothing to maintain. I feel so jealous of that.
...
I feel like I'm working to maintain so much love in my life. It's all conditional. I'm a slave to it. Bond isn't. He doesn't want it.
He is free from the need I am a slave to.
...
I doubt he's permanently free. No one is. But even for a moment, I'd love to feel that freedom. He has so much confidence in who he is because he's free. He is just who he is; he isn't trying to impress anyone. He doesn't need anyone's love or affection. He doesn't long for it.
I do.
I want to be free from the debilitating, restricting desire and need to be accepted and feel loved. To feel free of the obligation of working for people's love.
...
I want to be James Bond. He's free.
...
Peace.
I want to be that Bond. I want to be that attractive, that confident, and that carefree. I want it.
...
I'm incredibly jealous of James Bond in that movie because he loves no one. He loved someone, and they were taken from him. Sure he is hurting, and probably dying inside, but for some reason, in my current position in life, I see him as free. He is actually engulfed in anguish and revenge, but he truly has nothing to lose and nothing to maintain. I feel so jealous of that.
...
I feel like I'm working to maintain so much love in my life. It's all conditional. I'm a slave to it. Bond isn't. He doesn't want it.
He is free from the need I am a slave to.
...
I doubt he's permanently free. No one is. But even for a moment, I'd love to feel that freedom. He has so much confidence in who he is because he's free. He is just who he is; he isn't trying to impress anyone. He doesn't need anyone's love or affection. He doesn't long for it.
I do.
I want to be free from the debilitating, restricting desire and need to be accepted and feel loved. To feel free of the obligation of working for people's love.
...
I want to be James Bond. He's free.
...
Peace.
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