Price Check

One of the most providential things about my life is timing. I am positively convinced that the timing of things on my mind over the past week or so has been completely providential.
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I reread Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell over Xmas break, and this past week I typed up all the quotes from the book that I valued and saved them on my computer. I love quotes.

One of the quotes was, "I heard a teacher say that if people were taught more about who they are, they wouldn’t have to be told what to do. It would come naturally."

When I typed that up I realized how true that had to be because it was how I lived. I treated people as if that was what I believed about them. I tell people that they are valuable and loved and precious because I believe that is what will change them. That is what they need to hear. And that is what is true.
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I started living that way probably close to a year and a half ago. I read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller in the summer of 2007. In that book, Donald talks about how we treat love like a commodity. He would give it to people who he thought had earned it by doing good things or gave it to people in hopes of getting something else he wanted from them in return.

That is how I lived. Love is not a commodity, though. And so I stopped. I started to recognize value and worth in people no matter what, and so I started to love people recklessly. I gave love away lavishly. I started to love people until they broke me.

I believe I am blessed to be able to love people the way I can. And that became my favorite thing about myself. My ability to love.
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I was talking to a great friend of mine last night and got smacked right in the face with the fact that I don't love myself well. I value other people, but I've been putting myself down and keeping myself down for a long long time.

I don't ever remember liking myself.

What I really came to grips with is how bad this is ruining me. I realized I can't do anything well because of it. I can't love people well, I can't be secure, and I sure as hell can't be in a romantic relationship with someone if I don't love myself. I am constantly relying on other people to make me feel lovable and have any kind of worth.
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The worth I saw in everyone else, I didn't see in myself at all.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller says that he got to a point where he would never talk to someone the way he talked to himself, and somehow he had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but okay to do it to himself.

That is how I've felt.
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And I kept it that way on purpose. I've been keeping it that way on purpose because I've been afraid I couldn't love myself and love people. I couldn't do both.

I thought if I loved myself I would feel secure and content and I would lose the incentive to love people the way I do. I thought I would stop loving them because I wouldn't need it in return. That wasn't the only reason I loved people, but I've been afraid that if I loved myself and didn't rely on anyone else's love then I wouldn't be as reckless with how I loved people. And I don't want to not be reckless.

I like that I'm reckless with my love for people.
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But. I have to love myself. It says love your neighbor as yourself, so it has to be possible. Has to be.

I love people but if push came to shove I would collapse and kill myself and whoever I was trying to love. Because I don't see anything valuable in me. I've never felt anything other than dissatisfaction with myself.

Ever.
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I've been feeling like I was dying inside for so long because I was letting Jesus love me, but only through other people. I could never sustain anything on my own.

But that has to change. So I'm going to work on it.

This is me working on it.
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I know I am loved. I am valuable. God loves me. Always.

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8
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Peace.