Prophetic

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This is the current background on my computer.

I've realized that whenever I change the wallpaper on my computer, I feel like it somehow symbolically represents my life.

Sometimes I think it reflects what my life currently feels like.

Sometimes when that isn't the case, I've caught myself looking back at my life since I changed the background, and the picture had actually become appropriate for what my life had started to feel like.
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Today I came across this photo again. And for the first time I looked at it's name.

It's called "Tracks to Nowhere."
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Peace.

Actions Scream Louder Than Words

Sometimes I feel God calling me to do particular things. Calling me to pursue something specific. To do something that is clear-cut.

And I kick and scream.
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I do this for two related reasons.

The first reason is: As long as I do it, I don't think it really matters if I am willing or not.

If God is calling me to do something and I do it, then He will make it happen if it has to for his kingdom. At least I truly believe that. Whether I do it kicking and screaming or I do it with a big smile doesn't change the fact that God will make it happen if it has to for His purposes (most of the time, that is - there are some exceptions but what I'm referring to isn't one of those exceptions).

The second reason is: If I convince myself that fulfilling this calling isn't really important or preferable, I won't be as disappointed if I fail.

Think about it. If God says, "Nick, I want you to do this," and then I say, "Ugh... I don't really want to. That's not what I want to do!" Then if it doesn't work out or something falls apart or I fail, then I'm not as disappointed. "I didn't want to do that anyways. Must have not been something God had for me."

I safeguard myself against feeling like a failure.
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A friend of mine recently read my post Price Check and sent me a message. It was great to hear from him. We met this summer for a week and haven't really spoken since.

One thing he reminded me of smacked me in the face so hard.

"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:33
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I suck at that so much. It's all about me. I'm what matters. Me. Me. ME!

How distorted is that? How awful is that? I mean, the verse has implications that carry over to more than just food and drink and clothing. Those things are what Jesus is specifically referring to, but the bigger idea is that God will take care of me and make me secure.
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I can be secure in Jesus.
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If you look at my life lately, you can see that no matter how much I say that, my actions don't affirm that it's what I actually believe.

I'm secure in having the things I want. That's what my actions say. And they don't even say it.

They scream it. At the top of their lungs.
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But my actions speak the truth. They tell the world that my kingdom, with my things, and my desires, and my wants, and my aspirations matter far more than God's.

At the end of the day I just don't trust God. I don't trust God enough to add those things to me.

If I pursue His will and His kingdom and His desire for my life and this world, then He will take care of me and I will be secure.

But my actions claim that I don't actually believe that. Or, even worse, if I do believe it then I've decided that my wants are just utterly more important than God's.

And that. Is. Awful. And it makes me awful.
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I'm sorry. I don't necessarily owe you an apology, but I very well might. I sure feel like I owe everyone an apology.

So I'm sorry.
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My Jesus,

I'll follow you as long as I can see

I'll stand by you as they criticize

And then among all the critics, I'll hear my own words...

Forgive my inconsistency

Amen
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Peace.

Jerkface

Do you know the feeling you have after you just treated someone poorly? The feeling you have when you were just mean to someone and you feel really crappy because of it. You don't want to apologize because it wasn't that big of a deal, but you still feel like a jerk.
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Do you know the feeling you have when your life is just imbalanced or off center? Things just don't feel right and it's so draining. It's almost like nothing feels right, but it isn't awful either. Life's just a little bit off and it's so draining.
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I have been feeling both those feelings constantly for weeks.

Constantly.
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The conclusion my mind has come to is that: I am a jerk. I am a prick. I am an ass.

I am a very ungraceful person.

I have concluded the reason I feel off center is because I am a jerk, and I am jerk because I feel like one constantly. As you can see, these two feelings create a cycle that is no fun.
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If you read my blog Price Check then you might wonder if this feeling is related to what I wrote about in that blog.

The answer is a resounding yes. Although, I really don't know how.

If I'm honest, so many things have come to my attention over the past month because of the things I wrote about in Price Check. And every single one of those realizations has sucked.

Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked.

But, I'm grateful I've come to the realizations. Truly.
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I would always rather have the truth than ignorance. Always.
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The worst part of where my mind is going is that I do not know what to do about any of this.

None of it.

I do not know how to fix whatever is wrong. I don't know what practical things I need to change or concentrate on or work on to make this better. I truly do not know what to do.

I'm stuck.
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So I pray. And I tell some select friends. I ask them to pray. And I talk to God. And I try to think I'm valuable.

But that is a tough pill to swallow.

Either way, I don't know what else to do. I really don't.

So I'm praying.
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I'm sorry if I was a jerk to you. And I mean that. Regardless of the moment, you deserve better than that.

And I'm trying to accept that I deserve better too.

I'm getting there.
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Peace.

Sean

In high school I had a friend named Sean. Sean was amazing. Sean had more passion in his little finger than I have in my entire body. Sean had more potential than anyone I'd ever met.

And Sean threw it all away.
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Sean loved God.

Sean wanted to love people.

Sean wanted to bring Jesus everywhere he went.
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Sean was made to do those things. It was obvious. You could see it. Everyone could.

Sean oozed potential that put me to shame.

And Sean threw it away.
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One of the most insightful things Sean ever said was this:

"Most of the time, when people who say they want to give all of their life to God and have Him completely transform their lives, they don't really mean what they just said. What they really mean is 'take everything in my life, except my desire to date someone,' or 'take everything, but my ability to smoke weed,' or 'take all of me except my occasional getting drunk at parties,' or, 'take all of me, except the sex with my girlfriend.' When that is our attitude then we aren't being upfront with God. When we tell God, 'take everything but just this little piece' God responds, 'Then keep everything. That's it. It's all or nothing.'"
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When you read that you can sense the passion. He was a person who had done it all the wrong way. He was a person that knew Jesus was more real then everything else he had ever put his life into.

That quote was so genuine from Sean because he had been the same person who said, "Take it all except this. Take it all except that."

"Take everything I am... except the things that are hardest to let go of."
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Eventually, Sean lost something. Or he gained something. I don't which. But it wasn't good.

It wasn't good.
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Sean began saying the same things he used to. The same things he knew were going to kill him.

Somewhere along the line, Sean began to believe that he could get by because he thought he could be an exception. And that attitude destroyed him.

He lost his passion.

He lost his love.

He got hit with so much hardship and he had nothing in himself that could save him. At the end of the day, Sean never wanted to give it all to Jesus.

He was addicted to his life, no matter how destructive it was.
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One of the most painful things I've ever watched was Sean's life go the way it has. To see a person who has so much potential and passion not be strong enough to sustain it...

It's more than awful.
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I write this because I see people who are like Sean.

They have his potential.

They have his passion.

And they are on the verge. They are at the crossroads Sean walked to. And I don't want to see them go the way Sean went.

Because watching that is more than heartbreaking.
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And the scariest thing. The absolute most terrifying thing. Is that sometimes...

I am Sean.
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Sometimes I see myself doing things things and making decisions that I know aren't from Jesus.

They are from me.
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I love Sean. I miss Sean.

But I don't ever want to be Sean.
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God, save us.
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Peace.

Africa. Not Virginia.

I need to go to Africa.

I'm called. Not permanently (I don't think). But I need to go and experience it. I need to go to the slums. I need to put faces with names and stories on the things that are just numbers and statistics to me. I need to put faces on those kids and hear the stories of those families.

I don't know when I have to go, but I have to go. Soon. In the next few years.
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I almost want to go alone. I don't want it to be safe. I don't want it to be planned. I want to have only God to trust in.

He'll take care of me.

I want to go and have God show me what God wants to show me. I'll just show up, because He is already there.
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I want it to destroy me.
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I want to take my family there when I have one. I want them to know what life is like for some people. So they never think we need a big house or nice things. I want them to always know that a world outside theirs exists.

Because when I was growing up I never knew that, and I so wish I had.
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If I see Africa, I know it will never let wanting what I want rule me. It will help always want what God wants.

I won't let me just have a nice house in the suburbs and pretend like suffering doesn't exist.

Jesus would hate that.
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I'm called to engage the suffering for the rest of my life, and Africa won't let me forget that.
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If I was in the suburbs and lived like I did when I grew up, then I would have false security. I would feel secure because of myself, not because of God.

I would have material comfort. I don't want that, because I would know it was fake.
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Nice things aren't fulfilling. Jesus is fulfilling. Doing His work is fulfilling.

Engaging this world is fulfilling.

Because then I know it's Jesus that is taking care of me. I trust Him more than myself, even if I'll never admit it.
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Someone used to tell me that after they graduated they wanted to move to Virginia and live in the mountains and have a nice house and live that kind of life.

I can't live that life. I'm called to something more.
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I'm called to Africa. I'm not called to Virginia. Maybe you are. That's okay. Go there. Love people. Jesus is in Virginia. But I'm not.

Africa. Not Virginia.
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Peace.