Actions Scream Louder Than Words

Sometimes I feel God calling me to do particular things. Calling me to pursue something specific. To do something that is clear-cut.

And I kick and scream.
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I do this for two related reasons.

The first reason is: As long as I do it, I don't think it really matters if I am willing or not.

If God is calling me to do something and I do it, then He will make it happen if it has to for his kingdom. At least I truly believe that. Whether I do it kicking and screaming or I do it with a big smile doesn't change the fact that God will make it happen if it has to for His purposes (most of the time, that is - there are some exceptions but what I'm referring to isn't one of those exceptions).

The second reason is: If I convince myself that fulfilling this calling isn't really important or preferable, I won't be as disappointed if I fail.

Think about it. If God says, "Nick, I want you to do this," and then I say, "Ugh... I don't really want to. That's not what I want to do!" Then if it doesn't work out or something falls apart or I fail, then I'm not as disappointed. "I didn't want to do that anyways. Must have not been something God had for me."

I safeguard myself against feeling like a failure.
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A friend of mine recently read my post Price Check and sent me a message. It was great to hear from him. We met this summer for a week and haven't really spoken since.

One thing he reminded me of smacked me in the face so hard.

"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:33
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I suck at that so much. It's all about me. I'm what matters. Me. Me. ME!

How distorted is that? How awful is that? I mean, the verse has implications that carry over to more than just food and drink and clothing. Those things are what Jesus is specifically referring to, but the bigger idea is that God will take care of me and make me secure.
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I can be secure in Jesus.
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If you look at my life lately, you can see that no matter how much I say that, my actions don't affirm that it's what I actually believe.

I'm secure in having the things I want. That's what my actions say. And they don't even say it.

They scream it. At the top of their lungs.
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But my actions speak the truth. They tell the world that my kingdom, with my things, and my desires, and my wants, and my aspirations matter far more than God's.

At the end of the day I just don't trust God. I don't trust God enough to add those things to me.

If I pursue His will and His kingdom and His desire for my life and this world, then He will take care of me and I will be secure.

But my actions claim that I don't actually believe that. Or, even worse, if I do believe it then I've decided that my wants are just utterly more important than God's.

And that. Is. Awful. And it makes me awful.
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I'm sorry. I don't necessarily owe you an apology, but I very well might. I sure feel like I owe everyone an apology.

So I'm sorry.
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My Jesus,

I'll follow you as long as I can see

I'll stand by you as they criticize

And then among all the critics, I'll hear my own words...

Forgive my inconsistency

Amen
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Peace.