Price Check

One of the most providential things about my life is timing. I am positively convinced that the timing of things on my mind over the past week or so has been completely providential.
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I reread Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell over Xmas break, and this past week I typed up all the quotes from the book that I valued and saved them on my computer. I love quotes.

One of the quotes was, "I heard a teacher say that if people were taught more about who they are, they wouldn’t have to be told what to do. It would come naturally."

When I typed that up I realized how true that had to be because it was how I lived. I treated people as if that was what I believed about them. I tell people that they are valuable and loved and precious because I believe that is what will change them. That is what they need to hear. And that is what is true.
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I started living that way probably close to a year and a half ago. I read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller in the summer of 2007. In that book, Donald talks about how we treat love like a commodity. He would give it to people who he thought had earned it by doing good things or gave it to people in hopes of getting something else he wanted from them in return.

That is how I lived. Love is not a commodity, though. And so I stopped. I started to recognize value and worth in people no matter what, and so I started to love people recklessly. I gave love away lavishly. I started to love people until they broke me.

I believe I am blessed to be able to love people the way I can. And that became my favorite thing about myself. My ability to love.
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I was talking to a great friend of mine last night and got smacked right in the face with the fact that I don't love myself well. I value other people, but I've been putting myself down and keeping myself down for a long long time.

I don't ever remember liking myself.

What I really came to grips with is how bad this is ruining me. I realized I can't do anything well because of it. I can't love people well, I can't be secure, and I sure as hell can't be in a romantic relationship with someone if I don't love myself. I am constantly relying on other people to make me feel lovable and have any kind of worth.
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The worth I saw in everyone else, I didn't see in myself at all.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller says that he got to a point where he would never talk to someone the way he talked to himself, and somehow he had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but okay to do it to himself.

That is how I've felt.
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And I kept it that way on purpose. I've been keeping it that way on purpose because I've been afraid I couldn't love myself and love people. I couldn't do both.

I thought if I loved myself I would feel secure and content and I would lose the incentive to love people the way I do. I thought I would stop loving them because I wouldn't need it in return. That wasn't the only reason I loved people, but I've been afraid that if I loved myself and didn't rely on anyone else's love then I wouldn't be as reckless with how I loved people. And I don't want to not be reckless.

I like that I'm reckless with my love for people.
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But. I have to love myself. It says love your neighbor as yourself, so it has to be possible. Has to be.

I love people but if push came to shove I would collapse and kill myself and whoever I was trying to love. Because I don't see anything valuable in me. I've never felt anything other than dissatisfaction with myself.

Ever.
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I've been feeling like I was dying inside for so long because I was letting Jesus love me, but only through other people. I could never sustain anything on my own.

But that has to change. So I'm going to work on it.

This is me working on it.
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I know I am loved. I am valuable. God loves me. Always.

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8
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Peace.

Details

I was praying yesterday and I started to pray that I can just sit back in my life and watch things play out.

Watch things play out without becoming so invested and emotionally hooked over things that are happening in my life.
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I want more trust in God. More trust that if I'm not incredibly proactive about every single thing that the big picture of my life will still be good; even if the details don't always go the way I think I want them to.

I have a terrible habit of getting really involved and invested in things that are just details. Details that i could/should probably just leave to God.
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I asked God to help me relax and sit back. To not become so attached to a particular detail that it hurts me when it doesn't go my way.

If there is any short-coming in how I interact with God and live my life, that's it: I don't trust Him with the details.
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I trust Him with the big picture, but not the details.
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Peace.

Bond. James Bond.

I went and saw Quantum of Solace again last night. I love it far more than Casino Royale, and I am well aware that puts me in the minority of people. I LOVE Quantum of Solace. I love Daniel Craig in that movie. I love Bond in that movie. I love all the shots. I love everything Marc Forster did. I love the script. I love everything about it.

I want to be that Bond. I want to be that attractive, that confident, and that carefree. I want it.
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I'm incredibly jealous of James Bond in that movie because he loves no one. He loved someone, and they were taken from him. Sure he is hurting, and probably dying inside, but for some reason, in my current position in life, I see him as free. He is actually engulfed in anguish and revenge, but he truly has nothing to lose and nothing to maintain. I feel so jealous of that.
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I feel like I'm working to maintain so much love in my life. It's all conditional. I'm a slave to it. Bond isn't. He doesn't want it.

He is free from the need I am a slave to.
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I doubt he's permanently free. No one is. But even for a moment, I'd love to feel that freedom. He has so much confidence in who he is because he's free. He is just who he is; he isn't trying to impress anyone. He doesn't need anyone's love or affection. He doesn't long for it.

I do.

I want to be free from the debilitating, restricting desire and need to be accepted and feel loved. To feel free of the obligation of working for people's love.
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I want to be James Bond. He's free.
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Peace.

Pseudo Good Morning

I had a really weird experience. Kinda like Deja Vu. Maybe exactly like Deja Vu, but I'm no Deja Vu expert.

I woke up early this morning because I slept like crap last night and waking up far before I wanted to was just the perfect way to end it.
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I really did not like high school most of the time I was in it. That seems to be the consensus for most people once you are a few years removed from it. I especially hated the morning before I would drive to school, or get on the bus when I was even younger.

I would wake up and stumble around the house to the bathroom and then my room and then the kitchen and then back to my room and do all the things necessary to get ready to leave. When I was too young to drive to school, I remember being ready a few minutes before the bus would come and just sitting in my living room far too early in the morning watching SportsCenter on ESPN. This really sucked because I never got to see a full episode and always managed to see the bus coming down the street right as the highlights I really wanted to see were coming on.

It was very frustrating. Especially since I was already frustrated to be awake and miserable I was going to school for the next 8 hours.

The other thing that really sucked about those mornings sitting and watching SportsCenter was that, depending what time of year it was, there wasn't even anything I was interested in being talked about. When I was younger, all I cared about was football. I never liked baseball or hockey or basketball highlights because I didn't care much about the sports.
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I hated baseball season. Basketball and hockey seasons were no better, but baseball season just seemed sooooo long. And there are games everyday. Its not like I knew that Monday mornings was the day SportsCenter was going to be covering all the baseball highlights because baseball was played on Sunday. No no no. Everyday, for months, baseball ruled the highlights and the news and the commentary on SportsCenter.

I hated those months.

I hated being awake in the mornings.

I hated high school.

At that point in my life, I was a very unhappy young kid.
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This morning I woke up way too early and rolled over in bed fully aware I was not going to get back to sleep. I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV and flipped over to SportsCenter. They were showing highlights of a basketball game. A Knicks game I cared nothing about.

In that moment, the feelings of being miserable for being awake too early and the dissappointment/disatisfaction/indifference of watching highlights I was completely uninterested in fused together in a fashion very similar to that of what I used to feel daily in 9th grade.

My stomach dropped, and I hated life for a moment.
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How weird that feeling was captivates me. I was so discouraged. I hate being miserable, but in that moment I was fully aware that I was miserable because of circumstances that no longer exist and I just had a flashback of emotions from 6 years ago. It was fascinating and it sucked real bad at the same time.

Crazy.

Luckily I changed the channel and watched music videos on Vh1. That might have been no better, except they no longer videos and songs from 2003. I'm grateful for that.
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Peace.

It Runs In The Family

I talked to my mom about theology and God last night. We talk about that stuff sometimes. It's normally her just asking me lots and lots of questions. It's always tough. All she wants is to understand and hear God so she can follow Him well. It's kinda like, "who doesn't, right?!" But it's not that simple.

Because I don't a lot of the time.

I mean, I do, but I'm really afraid because I feel like it's going to be hard or scary or not what I want.

I think a lot of the time I still do what I know/think is right more than what I want, but not always. Definitely not always.

I'm real real selfish.
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I admire my mom's childlike faith, and I feel bad she doesn't understand that she knows God enough to follow Him. She always thinks He's judging her, but in an irritated parental fashion. Very ungraceful. It's tough to get her to think otherwise. She isn't very comfortable with the idea of unconditional love, but who is?

I think she knows God enough to follow Him well. I know she does. Maybe she just lacks a confidence in her own spiritual maturity and understanding. Maybe I just have way too much in mine.
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I want to always have a deep conviction and passion to follow Him in everything I do, even the small things, like she does. To follow because He loves me and died for me.

A lot of the time I do, but definitely not always.
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Peace.

Be Specific

I bought a journal last week. I've been told it looks "very me." I'm pumped about that, because I like how it looks. I must like my style.

I want to journal in 2009. I hope I'll be consistent with it. I'm pretty sure I won't do it everyday, but I want to try.

Just the idea that this book exists scares the hell out of me. Literally scares me to death. The idea that someone could read it and see things I thought that I'm not ready for them (or anybody?) to hear... It just scares me to have something tangible that other people can engage simply by having it that will expose me for me. I have a deep fear that if people know me, then they won't like me anymore. I think most people have that fear. This book just intensifies the possibility of people figuring out who I am.

In any event, I've decided to post here, my first journal entry that I just wrote. Well, at least the first 30% or so of it. I hope it is enlightening. It was for me just to write it.
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"So here I start, journaling... It's a pretty scary proposition to me. I feel terrified that a book could even record thoughts that I don't want anyone else to see. Not that I necessarily don't want people to know some of the things I write, but I don't think that everything I write is going to be material that I'm okay with people reading.

I'd rather this not be like my blog, ya know?

In the blog, I censor myself. I have to. The material I post in there needs to be material that I'm okay with other people reading and knowing and just understanding that I think about X, Y, and Z a lot even though I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldnt think about or dwell on girls and love and relationships and money or whatever else I freak about. I think a lot about things that don't really deserve or warrant the attention I give them. A whole lot. A way way lot. A lot more than I should. A lot.

I don't talk about those things in the blog. They make me seem real weak and crazy and broken. They make me seem like I have baggage and I hate the idea of people thinking I have baggage. HATE IT. So I don't show it. I don't blog about the things that are painful and heartbreaking and hurtful and consuming. They're just too much.

Instead, I only blog about processed things. It's not like I think people don't know that I'm weak and crazy and broken, but to show anyone, in a blog, specifically why and who and how I am broken and hurting and weak: that is just terrifying, and I don't think it's appropriate. So I won't do it.

And that's why I've started this. So I can consistently be specific somewhere outside the the 23 inch circumference of my head. Here I can name names and record vivid memories and emotions and experiences that might be too open for a blog. On the blog, that would just make me seem pissy or crazy. But here... here it just makes me, me."
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After that I went on to name names and tell stories. I'd say more but it wouldn't be appropriate.
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Peace.