I have had quite a few amazing conversations in my life thus far. The best of those conversations have actually come in only the last year and a half. One of the things I am actually looking forward to the most for the rest of my life are some of the amazing conversations I'm going to have with people.
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Lately, I have been having a lot of conversations with mentors, professors, and peers about being content. The whole idea behind being content has been somewhat troubling for me.
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Before we go any further, it is best we look at what I mean when I say the ever controversial word content.
Dictionary.com defines content as "satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else."
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A lot of my friends here at school tell me that one of their biggest struggles they go through is that they are just trying to be content with what God has given them to this point. This battle with contentment is something I really do see often here on this Christian campus. Interestingly enough, the majority of the time the people who talk to me about this the most are girls. I think that may have something to do with the fact it is hard, in our culture nowadays, not to desire having a (romantic) relationship be a part of our self-identity. Whenever we don't have that relationship with someone but really want it, then it can be hard to have that satisfaction in what we have and who we are. It can seem damn near impossible to not desire more than just the status quo of what we have.
On a side note, I know that guys deal with the same things on a regular basis; it just is not something that we discuss in quite the same way, but I think the issue is just as present.
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Regardless of relationships being an issue or not, I know that being content, in general, has always been a bit of an issue for me. Recently, I had a discussion with someone that sort of opened my eyes as to why being content is just not in the cards for me.
I am too reflective, ambitious, restless, and too much of an idealist to ever really achieve being content.
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Having the kind of personality I do, it is almost impossible to have any kind of sustained satisfaction in who I am or what I have. I always want things to be better or want to pursue something more challenging or rewarding. I think about the way things are or have been and think that if the world was not such a fallen sinful place then people could be so much better off; love wold be so much more a part of our world. This idea of looking at my life and saying "Yep, I'm cool with all of this. I like the world and myself just the way they are." is just not something I can do. I cannot sustain this overall satisfaction with the way things are.
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I think this is where things get confusing, because I am so happy I am reflective, ambitious, and an idealist. Those are key aspects of my personality and I think they are some of my best qualities. But when you combine them altogether in one person it can be hard for me to actually maintain contentment as an emotion.
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One thing I do want to clarify is that I believe I am going to have a truly happy life. I believe I will one day have an amazing family and a profession where I do feel like i interact with people and make a difference; I believe my work will truly be life-giving for me. I don't mean to imply that I wont ever have joy in my life, but the idea of an overall satisfaction just doesn't jive with who I am. I care about the details and the big picture at the same time too much to be satisfied. But I do believe that my life is going to be so filled with joy that it makes me smile just to think about it.
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I have always been able to look at things and say, "Yes, this is really good. But... if we did not live in a fallen world, or if things were just a little different, this could all be so much better." I am truly greatful I can do that, I think it is a way to approach things that helps me know what I stand for in a lot of situations. But at the same time, always being convicted about things and desiring things to be better for myself and (more importantly) others can take a toll on you. I know it does on me.
I look around at some of my friends and I wonder, "Why can't I just be a 19 year old kid like the everyone else and just piss around and not care and have a good time? Why do I care like I do?" This drought of satisfaction can be very draining.
It wears me down.
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I'm glad I care about the homeless guys I eat dinner with a couple times a week. I'm glad I am a pacifist and a feminist and that I think daily whether how I treat my friends is how Christ treated his friends. And I'm glad when I fall terribly short that it matters to me. I am glad I am everything but indifferent.
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Sometimes I wonder whether or not contentment is an emotion Chirstians should become accustomed to feeling. I know that being content is essentially contrary to the kind of personality I have, and I know that it takes a serious toll on my emotions. I also know I wouldn't have it any other way.
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Limited contentment is a good thing; it helps prevent people from becoming basketcases like me. I think being able to appreciate where you are on the ladder of life and understanding that God is working on you in this particular stage of life is a great great thing. That kind of understanding is valuable. But, to me, that is somewhat different from what the term content has always implied to me. Contentment is this overall feeling or satisfaction and desiring things to be static for an extended period of time. For me, that just does not work. It is not a part of who I am.
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Being content is not a part of who I can be.
