I Can Handle It

The way that I tend to think about my life is... odd. At least I think so when I compare it to other peoples.

I feel like I am forever on this path of self-discovery that is sometimes fulfilling and sometimes heartbreaking.
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If you read this blog then you have seen me realize so many of my shortcomings and the things I am poor at and rarely mention things I feel good at or comfortable doing. And, honestly, I think that is the consistent pattern of my mind;

I realize and try to come to terms with many many things that I am poor at and I rarely allow myself to enjoy the things that I am good at or do well.
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Mainly, I'm terrified of my pride. I know I am ambitious, and I know that I can easily think too much of myself. So I keep myself down by trying to always dig up things I struggle with or have a hard time with and beat myself up over them mainly in the name of humility.

But even that backfires. I do things all the time that put me in compromising positions and are situations i would never encourage another person to do. But I put myself in those situations because, "I can handle it." "I can take it."

Do you know how stupid that is of me?!?!

That whole attitude of, "I can handle tension and the pain and everything else more than anyone else" is thinking too much of myself at its finest.
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I really do not know how to end this blog. I guess, here is what I've come to accept:

I do have pride issues. Always have. As my best friend put it once, I have a very real potentially dark side of my personality concerning pride.

In an effort to control those issues, I dwell on things that I'm not good at and I am on an never-ending quest to always be aware of the things I struggle with so I can try and make myself better.

I also have a habit to putting myself in situations and circumstances I would not advise other people to be in because "I can handle it," and that is not wise of me. It is me thinking too much of myself.

I do not feel balanced or healthy with my faith, and thus, the rest of my life right now. I feel stretched, inadequate, and shallow. I feel like I have walls up, and I hate having walls up.

And I don't think much is going to change in these things in my life unless I start to balance out my life with God being part of my life in a way He hasn't been lately.
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"For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."

2 Timothy 4:7-8
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I'm running, man. I'm really trying. I promise.
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Peace.

Experience

Here, I will state my main theological understanding that one day may be my claim to fame.

(Although, I do highly doubt that it is new. It is probably just more unarticulated.)
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For the record, I hate the Wesleyan Quadrilateral.

Or rather, I have hated most every single discussion I have ever had in a theology class where people have had to use it or apply it to their own faith.

But, that is probably because no one ever agrees with me. Ha.
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This may be incredibly boring, but if you want to hear my frustration, follow me on this.

The Wesleyan Quadrilateral has 4 things:

Scripture
Experience
Tradition
Reason

Now, the purpose of the Wesleyan Quadrilateral is to help understand what matters in your faith. What is paramount over everything else.
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Some people make the claim that they cannot split apart any of the 4 because they all play on each other.

And I agree, BUT I also have always been very convicted that experience, my life experience, is what determines whether or not I remain a Christian or I do not.
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Here is my conclusion:

Christian scripture and the faith's tradition interpret my experience. When tradition fails to interpret my experience, as it often has, I have found that tradition to still be valuable, but far from essential. The day that scripture no longer is able to speak to my experience, is the day I leave the Christian faith as I know it. However, to this day, scripture has been better able to interpret my experience in intelligible and rational ways more than anything else I’ve ever encountered in my life.

Thus, I have finally articulated my perspective on the Wesleyan Quadrilateral.
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Here's where it gets interesting.

I think that what I just said above is true of all Christ followers. They will not, apart from divine intervention (which is not on the quadrilateral I mind you), continue to follow this faith if all of a sudden the faith was not able to resonate with their experience and who they were or where they came from.

That's why so many Liberation theologies have been written. People have looked for a church to teach the gospel to them in a way that respects their story and their stuggle and where they are coming from. The problem is that because churches failed to reach out to those communities, they decided to create an entirely new branch of Christianity when all that really needed to be had were some honest and open discussions.

If those discussions had been had, I am convinced that we could have avoided having the pendulum swing too far away in reaction. Unfortunately, overcompensation is a repetitive sin in the church.
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Luckily, I also believe that the Bible (and maybe some traditions) do speak to people in their experience, no matter where their life is. I think God is able to resonate with all people in all places and all that they deal with in their lives.
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God resonates with the CEO in Hollywood and resonates with the homeless man in Ohio.

God resonates with the Middle Eastern dictator and the Asian expereincing oppression.

God resonates with the middle class family in New York and the gambling addict in Las Vegas.
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God is a God who created this world, created all of us, and lived this life. He knows what it is to be in our shoes. He is above all of our experiences and transcends the lives we live.

And most importantly, He loves us.

He loves you.
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For God so loved the world...
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Peace.

Lovely Things

I was in California this past week. Furthest I've ever been from home.

Pasadena was beautiful. I loved it.

I'd love to live out there someday. Maybe in a few years.
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Pasadena was lovely. It was busy and urban but it felt fresh. A lot of urban places I've been all have a very distinct feeling of being on the downside. Their glory days have come and gone. They have a slight feeling of rundown-ness.

Maybe it was because I was on the west coast, but things just felt fresh. The weather, the people, the houses, the buildings, the trees. It was all fresh.

And it was refreshing.
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I saw the ocean for the first time ever. I loved it.

Which is odd. I am normally terrified of the ocean, but I still loved seeing it, and hearing it, and smelling it, and touching it for the first time. It was really a cool experience. We got there at sunset, which made it even more lovely.

The ocean is a really big thing, and that's why I don't like it. You can't trust it. Especially when you can't see land. Then you are in big trouble.
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I don't know what else to say really. The ocean was lovely. And I love lovely things.

There are lots of lovely things in my life right now. Some more lovely than others. And some I see more than others.

But I am thankful for them all. Those things and the moments I get to see them or talk to them or touch them are the moments that make life worth living.

It's experiencing something I don't deserve at all. And that only happens by grace.
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When you experience something lovely, and you know you are only able to do that because of grace, it makes everything so much clearer.

It makes me thankful for that lovely thing.

And it makes me thankful for grace.
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Peace.