I Can Handle It

The way that I tend to think about my life is... odd. At least I think so when I compare it to other peoples.

I feel like I am forever on this path of self-discovery that is sometimes fulfilling and sometimes heartbreaking.
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If you read this blog then you have seen me realize so many of my shortcomings and the things I am poor at and rarely mention things I feel good at or comfortable doing. And, honestly, I think that is the consistent pattern of my mind;

I realize and try to come to terms with many many things that I am poor at and I rarely allow myself to enjoy the things that I am good at or do well.
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Mainly, I'm terrified of my pride. I know I am ambitious, and I know that I can easily think too much of myself. So I keep myself down by trying to always dig up things I struggle with or have a hard time with and beat myself up over them mainly in the name of humility.

But even that backfires. I do things all the time that put me in compromising positions and are situations i would never encourage another person to do. But I put myself in those situations because, "I can handle it." "I can take it."

Do you know how stupid that is of me?!?!

That whole attitude of, "I can handle tension and the pain and everything else more than anyone else" is thinking too much of myself at its finest.
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I really do not know how to end this blog. I guess, here is what I've come to accept:

I do have pride issues. Always have. As my best friend put it once, I have a very real potentially dark side of my personality concerning pride.

In an effort to control those issues, I dwell on things that I'm not good at and I am on an never-ending quest to always be aware of the things I struggle with so I can try and make myself better.

I also have a habit to putting myself in situations and circumstances I would not advise other people to be in because "I can handle it," and that is not wise of me. It is me thinking too much of myself.

I do not feel balanced or healthy with my faith, and thus, the rest of my life right now. I feel stretched, inadequate, and shallow. I feel like I have walls up, and I hate having walls up.

And I don't think much is going to change in these things in my life unless I start to balance out my life with God being part of my life in a way He hasn't been lately.
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"For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."

2 Timothy 4:7-8
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I'm running, man. I'm really trying. I promise.
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Peace.