Do you know the feeling you have after you just treated someone poorly? The feeling you have when you were just mean to someone and you feel really crappy because of it. You don't want to apologize because it wasn't that big of a deal, but you still feel like a jerk.
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Do you know the feeling you have when your life is just imbalanced or off center? Things just don't feel right and it's so draining. It's almost like nothing feels right, but it isn't awful either. Life's just a little bit off and it's so draining.
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I have been feeling both those feelings constantly for weeks.
Constantly.
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The conclusion my mind has come to is that: I am a jerk. I am a prick. I am an ass.
I am a very ungraceful person.
I have concluded the reason I feel off center is because I am a jerk, and I am jerk because I feel like one constantly. As you can see, these two feelings create a cycle that is no fun.
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If you read my blog Price Check then you might wonder if this feeling is related to what I wrote about in that blog.
The answer is a resounding yes. Although, I really don't know how.
If I'm honest, so many things have come to my attention over the past month because of the things I wrote about in Price Check. And every single one of those realizations has sucked.
Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked.
But, I'm grateful I've come to the realizations. Truly.
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I would always rather have the truth than ignorance. Always.
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The worst part of where my mind is going is that I do not know what to do about any of this.
None of it.
I do not know how to fix whatever is wrong. I don't know what practical things I need to change or concentrate on or work on to make this better. I truly do not know what to do.
I'm stuck.
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So I pray. And I tell some select friends. I ask them to pray. And I talk to God. And I try to think I'm valuable.
But that is a tough pill to swallow.
Either way, I don't know what else to do. I really don't.
So I'm praying.
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I'm sorry if I was a jerk to you. And I mean that. Regardless of the moment, you deserve better than that.
And I'm trying to accept that I deserve better too.
I'm getting there.
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Peace.
i think the Bible talks about this as becoming a new creation. as a process of sanctification. as for the vicious cycle of feeling like a jerk and thus acting like a jerk, at some point we, broken humans that we are, have to more fully embrace that the real us, the true us is the one that decided to live Jesus. and when we are stupid and idiotic it's not really us...it's our old sinful nature showing up momentarily. this doesn't necessarily excuse it...but i think that just like we need to embrace the good in others and then over time address their issues, we need to have the same grace with ourselves. otherwise we live forever immobilized. just a few thoughts from a guy who struggles too.
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