Sparks

I am in a good place now.  But I think good times are actually the best times to look back on the not-so-good times an see things we didn't have the capability to see in those moments because pain was too great or apathy too powerful.

This blog is about one of those musings.
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When things are bad and I feel very stale and I experience a complicated mix of emotions.

Self-pity.  Loathing.  Worthlessness.  Frustration.  Bitterness.  Cynicism.  Sadness.

And these all mix together because of my general inability to remove myself from the stale place in which I sit.  Something about my life is very discomforting in these times.  Could be an estranged relationship that is hurting my soul, or a serious lack of productiveness, or a lack of meaningful friendships, or a surplus of events where my heart is indulging itself in not-so-healthy ways.
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And it doesn't really matter what the cataylst to my stale state is.  Truth be told, the only relevant information is that I exist there, and that pulling myself out of it feels impossible.

Not only do I feel apathetic and indifferent to fixing and adjusting my life, but I often feel completely inadequate or literally incapable of doing so.

Now a helpful realization in those moments would be to remember that I do nothing alone.  I am consistently doing things in a community of people which I am close to and ultimately God is incredibly invested in my life and every thing that is taking place.  Big or small.  Good or bad.

He is there working.  He is there speaking.  He is there teaching.
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And that becomes part of my problem as well.  Not that God is working in such powerful and influential ways, but that my mind refuses to accept that and embrace the joy that should bring.  Instead, I have a monumental amount of guilt for not "having it all together."

[SIDENOTE - Guilt sucks.]

Anyways, in the moments where I feel shame and guilt for the amount, and often the specific kind, of brokenness in my life, presenting myself before God is the last thing my guilt-ridden body wants.
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However, furthering the estrangement from God in my life by distancing myself from Him is the LAST thing my soul wants.  Even if I have driven the stake between us deeper by my own sin and actions, my soul and my spirit deeply long for God and His love even if my body doesn't.  That is why everything hurts as deeply as it does.

My soul is estranged from God.  And I have furthered that estrangement with my actions or circumstances.  It's actually a rather common story.  But that is how the bad times begin to feel worse, without a whole lot happening.
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What is interesting to me, is that when I am removed from those rougher times, I muse back about how I did engage God when I had the courage to pursue Him.

Typically, I remember myself crying out for Him.  Screaming at the top of my lungs, asking Him to please come and save me from this circumstance.  To burst in and shine a blinding light on me as I sit in a shadowy corner.

I ask for God to explode around me so that I can know He is there.  So I can see His light in my life.

But rarely is that how things actually go.
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Seeing God's light in your life is essentially seeing things happen that are good and seeing the kinds of things that give us hope and remind us that God is good and doing good things all the time in our lives even when we are moving in directions we probably shouldn't be.

But we don't need explosions to happen around us so we can see that light!  It may feel that way in the bad times, but that is just because in those moments we don't have the eyes to see anything less that a monumental explosion.

We don't see the sparks.
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But that is exactly how I think the majority of God's light in our life actually shows up.

Sparks.
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I can think back to seasons in my life where I was stale.  And I mean seriously seriously stale.  And I can see, in retrospect, God's light sparking all over the place in my life.  Consistently.  But I didn't see it in the moment.  And if I did, I didn't appreciate it.

Because what I wanted was for everything to change.  And that would have taken an explosion.
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But my lack of satisfaction with the way God was working doesn't mean that He wasn't.  He was.

The fact is, that is how God works.  In lots and lots of powerful little ways.

Because when something is dead and dry, all it takes is a spark to catch it.  A spark will cause the whole thing to burn.

And normally, in the rough times, we are dead and dry.  And we feel it.
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Take hope.  Because God's Kingdom spreads like a mustard seed and His light shows up in sparks.

And His love is bigger and everything you see.

And you are in it.
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Peace.