Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Sometimes It's Too Much

I'm not sure, but I would imagine most people can sympathize with me. Sometimes you can just find yourself in such an emotional rut that you can't make sense about how you feel or what you think about a ton of different things.  

The only thing you can really make out of these kinds of situations is that everything is very intense.  
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Sometimes its amazing, sometimes its terrible.  Sometimes its just confusing.  

The only thing I can make out tonight is how much I don't feel like myself.  The only thing I know is how lost I feel in some ways and how I don't feel lost at all in other ways.  The only thing I know is how intense it is.
...

I guess it all comes down to what it is we are talking about; specifics. This isn't the place to have that conversation though.  Sorry.

Peace.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Blissful Moments

I just finished a book called Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus.  I absolutely loved it.

You all know that I will, of course, post a huge blog containing all my favorite quotes from the book (of which there are a TON), but for now I just want to focus on one quote.
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"Have you ever experienced an entirely blissful moment? A moment when everything was right in the world? Can you remember how you didn't have a care in the world? Or at least so it seemed. I've had many times like this. And ironically it wasn't because everything in life was exactly as I wanted. I have never had that moment--maybe because my expectations are too high. But what I did have was a wonderful sense of optimism. When you lack hope, you feel powerless to change anything and certain that nothing will change. When you have hope, you are able to see the beauty and potential of every circumstance. Life is filled with wonder. Hope empowers us to pursue our dreams."
...

I know EXACTLY what moments he is talking about in that paragraph. I love those moments so much; those are my favorite moments in life. Those are the moments where I really do feel happy.

I miss those moments. I haven't had moments like that consistently in a long long time. This last school year I actually became very aware of the lack of these moments in my life and had a couple conversations with people about that. I'm almost not sure which is more painful, to not experience those moments or to recognize you haven't had those moments and consciously long for them.
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I'm working on it though.  I'm getting hope back in my life; a healthy kind of hope. Not the hope of ambitions and desires I prop up, but a more generic hope of what I feel is coming. Good things are coming. Good things. Blissful things.
...

Peace

Saturday, June 21, 2008

God Loves The World

God so loved the world that he sent his one and only begotten son that whoever should believe in him will never perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

This verse is so popular.  It's such a good summarization of  the Christian faith.
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What hit me recently was the phrasing of the first 5 words of this verse: "God so loved the world."

I know that Christians can get really caught up in trying to separate ourselves from the world and completely detach.  We try to exist in a place but simultaneously not look or touch anything around us that we don't label "safe."

It isn't nearly as bad in all cases as it is in others.  I've caught myself occasionally slipping into a mindset that attempts to discard the world as worthless, but some people carry a condemning perspective that tints the way they see everything in our world.

I can certainly concede that the world is a fallen place and far from what it should be.  Even still, I think it is a nasty pitfall to get caught in when you fail to see anything that comes of the world as anything other than useless or, lacking merit or, (in a worst case scenario) evil.
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I just love how John phrased that verse.  

God so loved the world that he sent his son to die for it. Period.  
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I can't imagine anything better than being able to look at things in the world and people in the world and see the intrinsic beauty that God sees as a product of him, the Creator. When God looks at drug-dealers and adulterers, porn-stars and murderers, thieves and liars, all he sees are his children that he loves with all his heart.  Albeit, children that are lost and children he is longing to come back to him, but these are people that God is absolutely crazy about.

How soon when we deal with those people do we run out of mercy and grace? How soon do we shower them with our judgement?  Way too soon.

I can't imagine anything better than getting to a place where when we see those people we see them through God's eyes and not our own.  I can't imagine anything better than looking at the world and the numerous things in it that we are so ready to condemn and ridicule, and instead see the awesome characteristic that God sees in them.
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I don't think we are supposed to burn records and ban books.  I don't think we are supposed to shut ourselves off and turn away from the things the world creates.  I think we are supposed to reach our hands out and polish things so they shine like they were meant to.  I think we should see things in the same light Jesus would see them.  I think we should look at people through the same lens Jesus did.  And then love them.

Peace.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Starving Jesus

I already posted a blog about how I am a big quotes guy. 

I just finished a book called Starving Jesus by Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon.  These guys are from the XXXChurch.com ministry, but the book isn't about that ministry.  Here are some quotes I liked.
 
(Since the book is written by two guys, if it is a quote from Craig I'll put CG in parenthesizes after the quote and JR for quotes from J.R.)
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"Satan does a great job ministering to those in the church who love the fame and power associated with helping others heal.  You can get drunk on helping people change their lives. Unchecked, the lie becomes “God had little to do with it, and I am solely responsible for this new life.”  Believe that lie long enough and you start believing your own press.  Satan then devours those seeking themselves by helping them celebrate their own self-centeredness.  In the long run, the lie turns into a self-righteous theology that says, “I am the bottom line in the lives of people.”  The ministry quickly becomes about a man and what the man has to say or not say." (CG)
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"Jesus understands the human drive to be important and valued by other people.  He is here to set us free from ourselves.  The freedom needs to express itself in selflessness and service to others.  He’s looking for your reaction to the world to be that of a servant." (CG)
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"Paul, James, Luke, Mark, and countless others who have followed in their footsteps all dealt with the truth and its ability to set us free from sin.  Their evangelizing tactics differed from one another, yet what they said and how they said it was so offensive to the world that most of them wound up dead at the hands of another man or country." (CG)
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"Be willing to fight the good fight every day.  This doesn’t mean we match wits with the world. It means we are to be salt and light, to let the world see our good deeds so they, the world, can praise the Father.  We collectively need to offend the senses of the world with the truth.  The life of Christ was, is, and always will be offensive to the world." (CG)
--
“Sometimes I think we have lost our nerve as followers of Christ.  I often think if we lived under the threat of death in this country, similar to what the early church faced, we would be on our game.  The early church knew what the deal was.  They knew it was only a matter of time before they were going to be put in jail and crucified.  Paul called himself a prisoner of Christ.  The first time I read that, I thought, That ain’t for me.  Think about it: Their message was so disturbing, so offensive, that they knew it meant death.  When Jesus told his disciples, 'Take up your cross and follow me,' he was not talking about some little mission or job; he was talking about dying for the cause." (CG)
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"The world has come to identify us by what we hate and what we are offended by, instead of by what we love or why we love." (CG)
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"Whether it’s a porn-show outreach, feeding the homeless, or painting your neighbor’s house, we must meet people the same way Jesus did—unafraid of what the truth will do for them." (CG)
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"Perhaps more than anyone in history, Paul understood his role of offending like Jesus.  We often like to dismiss Scriptures from Paul, because they make us responsible to all the people around us.  Paul says, 'By all possible means I might save some' (1 Cor. 9:22).  All possible means.  That Scripture is not a loaded gun giving you license to be a complete idiot in the name of Christ, but it is the freedom to go, do, and say what you need to.  To say it to anyone, anywhere, at any time.  Actually, it is a responsibility." (CG)
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"You want to know if you’re listening to God?  Ask yourself one question: Who am I predominantly concerned with when I am making decisions?  Is it you and your plans?  Is it God and his already-established will for you, found in his Word?  It takes a lot of guts to answer this question.  Answering means you will come face-to-face with yourself.  If you are answering honestly, you will gain the understanding that you walk with Christ has very little to do with you plans and design.  It is solely about serving God and those around you.  That question should be in your breast pocket at all times.  Use it as a guidepost for making decisions." (CG)
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"Put down the life you think you need, and open yourself up to the life Christ has designed." (CG)
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"He gave himself until they killed him.  His resurrection means you need to do the same." (CG)
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"If you’re looking for God to tell you directly what to do, you are not studying the Word, and you’re definitely not understanding that this ain’t about you." (CG)
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"Giving should equal relationships.  We should be striving to build new friendships and new communities every day.  We should be looking constantly for ways to inject our newfound freedom into the lives of those lost and looking for Christ.  Giving is not about the church, it’s about the faith Christ had in us to give.  He sat on a hill two thousand years ago and assumed we would." (CG)
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"Christ knew we would struggle with prayer.  He knew praying to a God we can’t see or touch would be problematic.  That’s why he taught us exactly how to pray.  That’s why he challenged the disciples to pray.  Jesus would go off for hours—sometimes all night—and pray.  He did this consistently, so you and I would know the value of prayer, the value of talking with the Father alone about whatever… It was simply asking God to do whatever it is we cannot or sometimes just don’t want to do." (JR)
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"We understand that works aren’t saving us or anyone else, for that matter, but works designed to inspire people to Christ will help answer the most important question in the world: Who is Jesus?" (CG)
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"I will walk with him, because he is my life.  Maybe that’s a little perfunctory, but that’s all it is and all it has to be." (CG)
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"Church is sinful because we are sinful.  We as a body are prone to wander from God; God doesn’t wander from us." (JR)
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"When you act out your faith, when you move toward God, it is often the hardest thing to comprehend, especially when it produces fruit you can touch, eat, and share.  From nothing stems something.  This is how God gets it done.  But how can it be true?  How can God, whom we have never seen, never heard, interact with us?  How can God change our lives after the collection of garbage we manage to amass in a lifetime?  Yet somehow when we step forward in a belief that says he can and will, he shows up and we come to understand he is our salvation, our hope, and our freedom from whatever sin takes us down." (JR)
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I've certainly read better, but it was worth the read.  Check it out and tell me what you think.
 
Peace.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Confessions Of A Pessimist

I enjoy it when I learn things about myself; the good and the bad.  It is one of the most rewarding things to have this incredible epiphany or realization about yourself as a person.  The "a-ha" moment.  I had one of those moments the other night and I sent my friend a letter that kinda outlines where I'm coming from.  This is that letter.  Enjoy.

(I have deleted all the names of people in the letter that I was referring to.  Just fyi.)
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Me and [BLANK] always talk about how I’m a pessimist... I hate the fact I’m a pessimist. I just kinda don’t expect good things to happen to me.  Maybe that is why I try really hard to be a good guy because maybe I’ll earn my way into God’s good graces and good things will happen to me that will make me fulfilled and happy. I just, for some reason, ever since I wrote that blog, am convinced that I am selfish for trying to be everything I want to be. I want to be humble and selfless but I am so riddled with wants and desires. I feel like I have sunk my claws into what I want so deeply and for so long that I don’t know how to let go. I don’t remember what its like to not have those desires. I think maybe everything I've done has always been for me to try and get those things I’ve wanted and now letting go is the most painful and convicting and crippling thing I’ve ever done.

I get on this tirade because I was just talking to [BLANK] and I was trying to have a deep, encouraging, loving, and I'm-here-for-you-because-you-are-my-friend conversation with them and immediately jumped to asking them what in their life they are struggling with and what has been difficult for them and stuff.  I think I partly jumped to that because I know [BLANK] is convicted about some things and trying to grow and I'm praying for him/her and I want them to be better and such, and I just want to be there for them.  At the same time, I’ve realized that with you and him/her, and everyone else, I just jump right to the bad in conversations so I can try to be there for them.  I always go fishing for the hurt in peoples lives. I do it with you and [BLANK] and [BLANK] and [BLANK], and with [BLANK] and [BLANK] I’ve seen them both retract from that a little bit. [BLANK] told me tonight that he/she had been feeling good over the last week and just didn’t want to talk about the things that make him/her feel crappy. He/she didn’t want to bring them back to the surface, regardless of whether that would help him/her move forward or not (and maybe it wouldn’t have helped whatsoever).

I just feel like such a downer. I fish for the hurt so I can help people but sometimes people aren’t experiencing hurt, at least not like I am right now (or do so often). That’s so crappy of me to do.  Idk... this is just me thinking out loud and combining my pessimism with communications classes and my inability to celebrate the good things in my life.

I have a lot of great things in my life right now. I have fantastic friendships with a handful of people, I have an amazing ministry internship, but all the while I am concentrated on what is hurting me and dragging me down and I ignore the blessings and find it impossible to praise and be thankful when I feel any kind of substantial hurt.

I wish I was a more balanced person. I’m not. I’m pure pessimism.


Some people are so good at celebrating God's goodness and his gifts and everything they have.  It’s almost like I see all those things and I’m expecting God to take them all away from me at any moment because I don’t deserve them. I know I don’t, no one does; we can’t deserve anything we have. That’s what makes grace so beautiful. Maybe I just need to get over my pride and stop feeling guilty for accepting grace and just celebrate the gift of it. Maybe that isn’t even the case... I don’t know.  This is just me thinking.  I’m telling you because I'd like to have you understand me when I can seem really inconsistent.

THE END
...

Hopefully you guys might be able to understand me a little better too. 

Peace.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Things I Want To Be When Grow Up

(In alphabetical order)

Authentic
...
Caring
...
Disciple
...
Empathetic
...
Genuine
...
Graceful
...
Honest
...
Loving
...
Reflective
...
Transparent
...
Wise
...

What I did not put up on that list were the words "Happy" or "Selfish."  Odd, really.  I say that because I want to be all those things listed above because I hope/believe that embodying those characteristics will bring me a life and guide me down a path that makes me "Happy" or is at least "Fulfilling."  That seems like an awfully "Selfish" motivation, doesn't it?

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Drivin' With The Windows Down

Ya know what I love?  I love summer days when I drive around with the window down and feel the breeze while I have something playing in the stereo that just makes feel like summer is a good time and I should just enjoy this car ride.  
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Driving around in the summer with Goo Goo Dolls playing and the window down... oh man it doesn't get any better.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Four Loves

I'm a big quote guy.  I love quotes.  Whenever I read a book, I try to get a lot of quotes to walk away from it with.
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I just read a book by C.S. Lewis called The Four Loves.  It was good.  Here are some quotes from the book.
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"Those who cannot conceive Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elaboration of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend."
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"Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had: to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travelers on the same quest, have all a common vision."
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"The little knots of Friends who turn their backs on the 'World' are those who really transform it."
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"The mark of perfect Friendship is not that help will be given when the pinch comes (of course it will) but that, having been given, it makes no difference at all."
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"In a perfect Friendship this Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before all the rest.  Sometimes he wonders what he is doing there among his betters.  He is lucky beyond desert to be in such company.  Especially when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funnies in all the others."
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"For we all wish to be judged by our peers, by the men 'after our own heart.'  Only they really know our mind and judge it by standards we fully acknowledge.  Theirs is the praise we really covet and the blame we really dread."
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"The gnat-like cloud of petty anxieties and decisions about the conduct of the next hour have interfered with my prayers more often than any passion or appetite whatever."
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"For it is the very mark of Eros that when he is in us we had rather share unhappiness with the Beloved than be happy on any other terms."
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"It is as if Christ said to us through Eros, 'Thus—just like this—with this prodigality—not counting the cost—you are to love me and the least of my brethren'"
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"The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
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"Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness."
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"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour.  If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it."
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"It is probably impossible to love any human being simply 'too much.'  We may love him too much in proportion to our love for God; but it is the smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes inordinacy…But the question whether we are loving God or the earthly Beloved 'more' is not, so far as concerns our Christian duty, a question about the comparative intensity of two feelings.  The real question is, which (when the alternative comes) do you serve, or choose, or put first?  To which claim does your will, in the last resort yield?"
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"We were made for God.  Only by being in some respect like Him, only by being a manifestation of His beauty, loving-kindness, wisdom or goodness, has any earthly Beloved excited our love."
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Ahh, good ol' Clive Staples.

Peace.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Time Numbs

I've heard people say, "Time heals all wounds."  I don't think that is true.
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I have been through my fair share of painful and tough times.  I don't think time has ever helped me heal over the things that have happened, it had just numbed me from feeling the same fresh and familiar pain. Time has made me apathetic.  
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I don't think time heals; I think it just numbs us.  I don't feel like I am healing.  I am just becoming numb.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Summer, Summer

So that bittersweet summer I was talking about is here. It certainly does have its ups and downs.
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I have been pretty busy with my internship at Rivertree and working in the theater at Malone. Sunday was the day I moved in to Gram's here back at Canton. I really enjoy living here at Gram's and it feels good to be back in Canton. Something about western PA just didn't feel like it was as much home as Canton is to me now. It's hard to explain. It is almost like outside of my family and a small handful of friends and people from high school, there isn't anything (or anyone) for me out there. Back here is another family and whole lot of friends. This is becoming home more and more as time passes. Its a somewhat difficult transition but I do like it.
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Monday I went down to the theater and got my timecard. Jim (my boss at the theater) gave me the summary of everything that needs to be done once the summer is over. The best thing about that gig is that I can go down there whenever it is convenient to me. I have keys to get in and I know what needs to be done... just gotta do it.
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I started at Rivertree on tuesday. Tuesday and wednesday were consumed by time spent with Toby (the guy I work with at Rivertree) and time spent at the church in general. It was all really awesome. I got the tour of the building and did some brainstorming with Toby about what all I am going to be involved in this summer. I got to meet a ton of people on staff, about 1/6 of whose names I remember. Everyone has been really awesome. Then I had a brainstorming meeting with some others on staff, which was a cool experience. Me and Toby ended the first day by going to the batting cages and just talking some more about my assignments this summer.
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Wednesday me and Toby went to a seminar in Hartville about small groups and how they should look in churches if they are going to change lives. I was able to take some cool things away from the 7 hours I was there. Later that night I went to a leadership meeting about how to have conversations with people about Jesus and faith if the other person doesn't have any particular religious interest. I hate to talk about evangelism sometimes because there is almost this inherent judgment that comes with the word "evangelism" that I really try to avoid. But I suppose if you have the right kind of established relationship with the person that you are talking to then everything would be okay. That's kinda what the meeting was about. It was good.
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Yesterday I just went to Malone and worked at the theater for most of the day. Gonna try to do the same today. Yesterday did have an awesomely pleasant surprise. Nikki came to visit Tim and me and her got to just hang out for a couple hours here at Gram's. Really cool. Good times.
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I am reading The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. I like it a lot so far. Once I get more into it I might blog more about it. There are a small handful of books I want to read this summer:
The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis,
Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus,
Mere Christianity (rereading it) by C.S. Lewis,
Sex God by Rob Bell,
Starving Jesus by Craig Gross,
The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian McLaren
...

Well this is just a boring update. Maybe I'll have something more to say soon. Keep in touch and God Bless


-Nick