(I have deleted all the names of people in the letter that I was referring to. Just fyi.)
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Me and [BLANK] always talk about how I’m a pessimist... I hate the fact I’m a pessimist. I just kinda don’t expect good things to happen to me. Maybe that is why I try really hard to be a good guy because maybe I’ll earn my way into God’s good graces and good things will happen to me that will make me fulfilled and happy. I just, for some reason, ever since I wrote that blog, am convinced that I am selfish for trying to be everything I want to be. I want to be humble and selfless but I am so riddled with wants and desires. I feel like I have sunk my claws into what I want so deeply and for so long that I don’t know how to let go. I don’t remember what its like to not have those desires. I think maybe everything I've done has always been for me to try and get those things I’ve wanted and now letting go is the most painful and convicting and crippling thing I’ve ever done.
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I get on this tirade because I was just talking to [BLANK] and I was trying to have a deep, encouraging, loving, and I'm-here-for-you-because-you-are-my-friend conversation with them and immediately jumped to asking them what in their life they are struggling with and what has been difficult for them and stuff. I think I partly jumped to that because I know [BLANK] is convicted about some things and trying to grow and I'm praying for him/her and I want them to be better and such, and I just want to be there for them. At the same time, I’ve realized that with you and him/her, and everyone else, I just jump right to the bad in conversations so I can try to be there for them. I always go fishing for the hurt in peoples lives. I do it with you and [BLANK] and [BLANK] and [BLANK], and with [BLANK] and [BLANK] I’ve seen them both retract from that a little bit. [BLANK] told me tonight that he/she had been feeling good over the last week and just didn’t want to talk about the things that make him/her feel crappy. He/she didn’t want to bring them back to the surface, regardless of whether that would help him/her move forward or not (and maybe it wouldn’t have helped whatsoever).
I just feel like such a downer. I fish for the hurt so I can help people but sometimes people aren’t experiencing hurt, at least not like I am right now (or do so often). That’s so crappy of me to do. Idk... this is just me thinking out loud and combining my pessimism with communications classes and my inability to celebrate the good things in my life.
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I have a lot of great things in my life right now. I have fantastic friendships with a handful of people, I have an amazing ministry internship, but all the while I am concentrated on what is hurting me and dragging me down and I ignore the blessings and find it impossible to praise and be thankful when I feel any kind of substantial hurt.
I wish I was a more balanced person. I’m not. I’m pure pessimism.
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Some people are so good at celebrating God's goodness and his gifts and everything they have. It’s almost like I see all those things and I’m expecting God to take them all away from me at any moment because I don’t deserve them. I know I don’t, no one does; we can’t deserve anything we have. That’s what makes grace so beautiful. Maybe I just need to get over my pride and stop feeling guilty for accepting grace and just celebrate the gift of it. Maybe that isn’t even the case... I don’t know. This is just me thinking. I’m telling you because I'd like to have you understand me when I can seem really inconsistent.
THE END
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Hopefully you guys might be able to understand me a little better too.
Peace.
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