Top 5 Fears

Does admitting your fears to someone make you vulnerable?  Does it mean you are just really good friends with them?  Maybe it's both.  I mean, I have always thought that the closer you are with a person the more vulnerable you become within that relationship.

In any case, I've decided to blog my top 5 fears.  Maybe this means that I'm trying to become closer to you, my faithful blog readers.  Maybe I'm trying to take that "next step" in the relationship.  Stop me if I'm going too fast; I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

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Number 5 - Big things.  I am talking really really big things.  Skyscrapers don't scare me; for some reason I trust them.  But I do live near a nuclear power plant back home in PA.  There are these gigantic smokestacks that are connected to the plant.  Whenever I drive by these awkward shaped smoke stacks I immediately become uncomfortable.  It's kinda like I'm riding a roller coaster only instead of going down a big hill I think the stack is going to fall on me and kill me.  It's a slightly less gratifying experience.

Number 4- Bugs.  I hate bugs.  Not the individual fly that is buzzing around the room.  But I hate the thought of bugs on me or surrounding me.  I knew watching those specials on bees on National Geographic when I was a kid was going to come back to get me... I hate gross, nasty-looking bugs.

Number 3 - The ocean.  This is kinda connected to number 5, since the main reason I am TERRIFIED of the ocean is because it is so big.  You cannot trust the ocean.  I repeat, you CANNOT trust it.  You can't even see all the stuff that is in it!  There are animals and stuff in the ocean that are so big.  Whales scare the crap out of me.  They are just so big that they could come out of the water and smash me and wouldn't even notice or care.  Stupid whales.  If I was on an awesome cruise ship with a ton of other people I might feel better, but thats no guarantee either.  Ever hear of the Titanic?  Leo DiCaprio is more than willing to educate you if you haven't.

Number 2 - Family dying.  This might be a surprise to some of you considering I am not as close to my immediate family as so many people here at Malone are.  Even still, the thought of either of my parents or my sister dying is a scary scary thought for me.  When I would have wicked bad anxiety attacks as a kid, the big fear that always took me over was that either my sister or one of my parents would die.  If I ever have a family of my own, I'm sure this fear will shift so that they are part of the focus as well.  I'm not trying to say that pretty much everyone doesn't share this fear, but I guess because for such a long time it was something that crossed my mind so frequently that it is kinda imprinted on my mind.

Number 1 - God will call me to do something that I really don't want to do and it will cost me the people that mean the most to me.  This is possibly the most selfish fear that I think anyone could possibly have. Nice job Nick...

I always think about this time in high school that I stood up for the right thing and it made a lot of people who I was pretty close to upset.  Really upset.  I guess that I have this fear that God's call for my life is not necessarily going to connected to happiness.  Do I believe God wants us to be happy? Absolutely.  Do I believe that God gives some people a calling and puts them in places to be his hands and feet in ways that are not particularly filled with joy?  Absolutely.  God's will is ultimately what is best, I know this.  I just don't want to move forward before I'm ready; I don't want to leave the people who mean so much to me behind.  But if God tells me that I'm ready, then I'm ready.  I know I'll be okay in any situation God puts me in, it is just really easy to get so wrapped up in the people and environment we are always around that we can't imagine anything else being as stable or filled with blessings as this.  That kind of thinking is not very sound; I mean, who knows how amazing and unpredictable my future is.  

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But I guess that is what makes a fear a fear; the whole part that it is not necessarily rational.

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Fears are a funny funny thing.  The more and more I talk about them, the less and less threatening they seem.  Even if they don't make sense, they are a part of who I am for the time being.

"Hi, I'm Nick."

"Hi Nick." (In unison)

"I'm a 19 year old college kid afraid of big smokestacks, bugs, the ocean, my parents dying, and God's call for me."

(Applause)