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I didn't grow up in the church so before I became a Christian when I was around 15 I wasn't bringing any preconceived notions or perceptions of who God was with me. I didn't grow up being spoon fed anything about God or Christianity; God was rarely, if ever, a topic of discussion in my house.
With that being the case, hopefully you can sympathize with the fact that everything about the faith has always had to make sense to me, in one way or another. That doesn't mean that I have to understand why things happen and stuff like that. It just means that whenever I started to take the faith seriously I had a thought process that went something like this: "If this is going to be my religion and this is going to be my faith, then it is going to mean something to me. It doesn't make any sense to even bother with this whole deal unless this is something that I'm going to really let impact me." At that point, it didn't make any sense to me to start believing and investing who I was as a person in something that didn't teach things that resonated with me as true. Luckily, the gospel has turned out to be the most relevant entity I have ever been exposed to.
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The main thing my friend and I were talking about was how I have trouble with prayer sometimes (maybe a little more than sometimes).
I have a really hard time sometimes because I get to the point where I feel like I "know" this is true or that is true. I "know" God is with me and He loves me and He isn't going to ever give me anything I can't make it through. If that is the case, then it doesn't even matter what this whole sucky thing I am dealing with right now is, because it will pan out and ill be okay, regardless of the result.
You can imagine that if I honestly look at things that way on a consistent basis, sometimes prayer isn't what it should be for me. If I "know" all of that then I always seem to slip into this mindset where I think it can seem so pointless to pray and look for encouragement and such. I wind up telling myself that I just need to suck it up and keep going and I'll be okay. At the end of the day, God will be with me and things will be fine regardless of how bad things hurt. It doesn't even matter the outcome of the situation because I "know" He will take care of me. I just "know."
That kind of approach to prayer can really hurt the relationship with me and God; it almost renders prayer useless, at least when I'm looking for God to give me comfort and just be there for me like He loves me.
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I "know" God loves me, and that might even be another issue in the situation. It is almost like I have so much confidence in God that I feel that every time I get upset or get down on myself that it is foolish to take it to God because I already know He loves me and asking Him "why?" isn't going to get me anywhere. Maybe I'll never know why, and I'm okay with that. Maybe I won't know why for a long long time, and I'm okay with that too. Maybe the answer to why is simply that we are in a fallen world and God's will is not always done, but even then I "know" that He will work through the worst situations I ever experience.
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The obvious response in these situations, it looks like, is just to praise God even when I'm hurt and upset and feel like what's happening doesn't make sense. The sad fact is that I am not that strong. I am too bitter and proud to praise God during my struggles.
As hypocritical as ever, I can "know" God will lead me through and take care of me but simultaneously refuse to praise Him until He literally does it.
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There is just something about that that doesn't seem right to me. It seems like I'm not doing things the right way somewhere along the path. Maybe this just makes me normal, maybe this is an issue many Christians struggle with and work through. Maybe my conviction just gets the better of me when I feel like my prayer life isn't what it should be. I say that because sometimes it really doesn't feel like it should; it lacks the genuineness I want between me and my Father.
Maybe this really is normal, but good God it sure does hurt.
Heaven forbid I pray about it... right?
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