Pride = Pressure

I haven't blogged in a little over a week-ish.  Partly because I was at Cornerstone Festival in Illinois most all of last week and didn't have any kind of steady access to a computer.  There are other reasons I don't blog sometimes though.

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I feel a pressure to blog.  I know that not more than 5 people even read this blog on any kind of consistent basis, but even still, I feel a pressure to process things that are interesting and be able to express my thoughts at least once every week and a half-ish in a blog.  I think it is good for me.

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I've realized I treat my blogging habits a lot like my poor prayer habits.  When I feel like I've got myself all together and I can stand on my own two feet and my pride isn't incredibly damaged and I feel like I can cover up the disgraceful sinner I am a little bit, I have no problem holding dialogue with God.  

But...

When I know I'm wrong and I've screwed up and I feel the conviction of those situations, prayer is so hard for me.  My pride just makes grace very hard.  I don't want to be loved because that's just what God is: love.  I want to be loved because I'm good and I've earned it and I am worthy of love.  Even though that is never the case, sometimes it is easier to fool yourself about it more than others; at least it is for me.

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Blogging is the same as prayer for me.  When I'm in a rut, and I know my mind is focusing on stupid things that I want to process out in the open but that wouldn't be the best thing... I just shut down.  

"I can't come to my blog readers with this crap!"  

"I could never blog about this junk!"  

"Hell, even thinking about this is a waste of time, how could blogging about it be worth anything?"

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So I am sorry, but my pride and the pressure I put on myself cripples me.  Trust me, I know they are poor traits.  I dislike them about myself very much.  Changing some things about who you are just takes more time that others, and sometimes I'm not sure we are even the ones who can change ourselves (at least not alone).

Peace.