It's a really ordinary occurrence for people to want something more or less than they want something else. It's also ordinary for those two priorities to be the reverse of what they should be.
It's called being human.
...
To stay with God, or be like God (Gen 3:4-6).
To please God, or be better than others (Gen 4:8-9)
To have a God that is real, or to have a God you can touch (Ex 32:7-8)
To let Jesus be who He is, or to make Jesus who you want Him to be (Mt 16:21-23)
And so on, and so on, and so forth.
...
It is a rather normal story. People want something, but they want it to be a particular way. So, they take what they want that actually exists and they distort it. They go about it the wrong way.
They maim something that is essentially good by trying to make it more of what they want and less of what it is.
It's a perpetual sin of humanity.
...
And I'm no less guilty of it than anyone else. Over and over again, whether in relationships or friendships or jobs or opportunities or responsibilities or social events, I have tried to make something in my life into more of what I wanted it to be when it wasn't possible.
And I have done the same thing with God over and over again.
...
There have been many many times in my life where I have sought rearranging my life to look more the way Jesus would want it to look. I've wanted to care more about other people and less about myself. I've wanted to have more discipline and spend time doing productive healthy things and less time being lethargic and lazy. I've wanted...
The list goes on. And some of those things I have succeeded at being better at, even if only mildly better. But progress has been made in some respects. And it other respects I have only succeeded in failing miserably more times than I thought possible.
Because it is hard to want what Jesus wants for us because it looks so freaking awful compared to what we want for us.
...
That's what it comes down to isn't it? We look at these two pictures painted for us of what our lives are supposed to look like. We look at our painting of our lives. And it isn't like Jesus isn't involved or influential in that painting. He is in that painting because we are (at least a little) committed to Him.
But in that painting of our lives we are the artist.
We are the one making creative decisions and we are the one painting the settings and overall tone of the piece while Jesus stands beside us in front of the canvas making the occasional suggestion of color shade or hue. We are in control, and boy oh boy do we love how that painting turns out every time.
...
But that isn't how it works! The fact is that what our soul's long for is to have the life that resembles the painting Christ paints of our lives. We were created to live in that life, and so everything else, no matter how great we think it looks, will make us feel like we aren't where we are supposed to be.
We will have no peace.
...
Christ is the artist of life, and He is the one who paints our story on the canvas as we stand next to Him making the occasional suggestion. His painting will be a life that reflects His story because no one knows His story better than He does.
And His story transcends ours.
...
We are where we are because Christ has brought us or allowed us to get this far. But so much of what we experience will be unsatisfying and frustrating and painful if we should try to change our lives from what they are meant to be into what we would rather have them be.
Because at the end of the day we aren't aware of what it is that we really want.
...
"To praise you is the desire of man, a little piece of your creation. You stir man to take pleasure in praising you, because you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."
- St. Augustine
...
Peace.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sparks
I am in a good place now. But I think good times are actually the best times to look back on the not-so-good times an see things we didn't have the capability to see in those moments because pain was too great or apathy too powerful.
This blog is about one of those musings.
...
When things are bad and I feel very stale and I experience a complicated mix of emotions.
Self-pity. Loathing. Worthlessness. Frustration. Bitterness. Cynicism. Sadness.
And these all mix together because of my general inability to remove myself from the stale place in which I sit. Something about my life is very discomforting in these times. Could be an estranged relationship that is hurting my soul, or a serious lack of productiveness, or a lack of meaningful friendships, or a surplus of events where my heart is indulging itself in not-so-healthy ways.
...
And it doesn't really matter what the cataylst to my stale state is. Truth be told, the only relevant information is that I exist there, and that pulling myself out of it feels impossible.
Not only do I feel apathetic and indifferent to fixing and adjusting my life, but I often feel completely inadequate or literally incapable of doing so.
Now a helpful realization in those moments would be to remember that I do nothing alone. I am consistently doing things in a community of people which I am close to and ultimately God is incredibly invested in my life and every thing that is taking place. Big or small. Good or bad.
He is there working. He is there speaking. He is there teaching.
...
And that becomes part of my problem as well. Not that God is working in such powerful and influential ways, but that my mind refuses to accept that and embrace the joy that should bring. Instead, I have a monumental amount of guilt for not "having it all together."
[SIDENOTE - Guilt sucks.]
Anyways, in the moments where I feel shame and guilt for the amount, and often the specific kind, of brokenness in my life, presenting myself before God is the last thing my guilt-ridden body wants.
...
However, furthering the estrangement from God in my life by distancing myself from Him is the LAST thing my soul wants. Even if I have driven the stake between us deeper by my own sin and actions, my soul and my spirit deeply long for God and His love even if my body doesn't. That is why everything hurts as deeply as it does.
My soul is estranged from God. And I have furthered that estrangement with my actions or circumstances. It's actually a rather common story. But that is how the bad times begin to feel worse, without a whole lot happening.
...
What is interesting to me, is that when I am removed from those rougher times, I muse back about how I did engage God when I had the courage to pursue Him.
Typically, I remember myself crying out for Him. Screaming at the top of my lungs, asking Him to please come and save me from this circumstance. To burst in and shine a blinding light on me as I sit in a shadowy corner.
I ask for God to explode around me so that I can know He is there. So I can see His light in my life.
But rarely is that how things actually go.
...
Seeing God's light in your life is essentially seeing things happen that are good and seeing the kinds of things that give us hope and remind us that God is good and doing good things all the time in our lives even when we are moving in directions we probably shouldn't be.
But we don't need explosions to happen around us so we can see that light! It may feel that way in the bad times, but that is just because in those moments we don't have the eyes to see anything less that a monumental explosion.
We don't see the sparks.
...
But that is exactly how I think the majority of God's light in our life actually shows up.
Sparks.
...
I can think back to seasons in my life where I was stale. And I mean seriously seriously stale. And I can see, in retrospect, God's light sparking all over the place in my life. Consistently. But I didn't see it in the moment. And if I did, I didn't appreciate it.
Because what I wanted was for everything to change. And that would have taken an explosion.
...
But my lack of satisfaction with the way God was working doesn't mean that He wasn't. He was.
The fact is, that is how God works. In lots and lots of powerful little ways.
Because when something is dead and dry, all it takes is a spark to catch it. A spark will cause the whole thing to burn.
And normally, in the rough times, we are dead and dry. And we feel it.
...
Take hope. Because God's Kingdom spreads like a mustard seed and His light shows up in sparks.
And His love is bigger and everything you see.
And you are in it.
...
Peace.
This blog is about one of those musings.
...
When things are bad and I feel very stale and I experience a complicated mix of emotions.
Self-pity. Loathing. Worthlessness. Frustration. Bitterness. Cynicism. Sadness.
And these all mix together because of my general inability to remove myself from the stale place in which I sit. Something about my life is very discomforting in these times. Could be an estranged relationship that is hurting my soul, or a serious lack of productiveness, or a lack of meaningful friendships, or a surplus of events where my heart is indulging itself in not-so-healthy ways.
...
And it doesn't really matter what the cataylst to my stale state is. Truth be told, the only relevant information is that I exist there, and that pulling myself out of it feels impossible.
Not only do I feel apathetic and indifferent to fixing and adjusting my life, but I often feel completely inadequate or literally incapable of doing so.
Now a helpful realization in those moments would be to remember that I do nothing alone. I am consistently doing things in a community of people which I am close to and ultimately God is incredibly invested in my life and every thing that is taking place. Big or small. Good or bad.
He is there working. He is there speaking. He is there teaching.
...
And that becomes part of my problem as well. Not that God is working in such powerful and influential ways, but that my mind refuses to accept that and embrace the joy that should bring. Instead, I have a monumental amount of guilt for not "having it all together."
[SIDENOTE - Guilt sucks.]
Anyways, in the moments where I feel shame and guilt for the amount, and often the specific kind, of brokenness in my life, presenting myself before God is the last thing my guilt-ridden body wants.
...
However, furthering the estrangement from God in my life by distancing myself from Him is the LAST thing my soul wants. Even if I have driven the stake between us deeper by my own sin and actions, my soul and my spirit deeply long for God and His love even if my body doesn't. That is why everything hurts as deeply as it does.
My soul is estranged from God. And I have furthered that estrangement with my actions or circumstances. It's actually a rather common story. But that is how the bad times begin to feel worse, without a whole lot happening.
...
What is interesting to me, is that when I am removed from those rougher times, I muse back about how I did engage God when I had the courage to pursue Him.
Typically, I remember myself crying out for Him. Screaming at the top of my lungs, asking Him to please come and save me from this circumstance. To burst in and shine a blinding light on me as I sit in a shadowy corner.
I ask for God to explode around me so that I can know He is there. So I can see His light in my life.
But rarely is that how things actually go.
...
Seeing God's light in your life is essentially seeing things happen that are good and seeing the kinds of things that give us hope and remind us that God is good and doing good things all the time in our lives even when we are moving in directions we probably shouldn't be.
But we don't need explosions to happen around us so we can see that light! It may feel that way in the bad times, but that is just because in those moments we don't have the eyes to see anything less that a monumental explosion.
We don't see the sparks.
...
But that is exactly how I think the majority of God's light in our life actually shows up.
Sparks.
...
I can think back to seasons in my life where I was stale. And I mean seriously seriously stale. And I can see, in retrospect, God's light sparking all over the place in my life. Consistently. But I didn't see it in the moment. And if I did, I didn't appreciate it.
Because what I wanted was for everything to change. And that would have taken an explosion.
...
But my lack of satisfaction with the way God was working doesn't mean that He wasn't. He was.
The fact is, that is how God works. In lots and lots of powerful little ways.
Because when something is dead and dry, all it takes is a spark to catch it. A spark will cause the whole thing to burn.
And normally, in the rough times, we are dead and dry. And we feel it.
...
Take hope. Because God's Kingdom spreads like a mustard seed and His light shows up in sparks.
And His love is bigger and everything you see.
And you are in it.
...
Peace.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Journaling
Fact: I am awful at journaling.
I write too much in each entry. I want to do the day and my thoughts and the events and people that I am writing about justice, so I write all of my thoughts. Which turns out is rather exhausting and far too time consuming.
So I quickly burn out when attempting to journal about my days.
And that sucks. Because I journaled everyday for the first 3-ish months of this year and it was a pretty cool thing to do. But it did burn me out.
...
Either way, I'm looking into a new style of journaling: recording my thoughts and musings on God in simple concise thoughts.
Most of these entries will be short and unorganized. More of little thoughts than substantial entries. But I need to start somewhere.
And this is where.
...
Here are some pictures from my first attempt to begin journaling again:
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Peace.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Musicals Are Biblical
Sooooo, tonight I was at a bible study with some guys and we stumbled upon Ephesians 5:15-20:
"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
...
I just want to go on record as saying that it is obvious that musicals are entirely biblical. The idea that people spontaneously burst into song, converse in song, and burst with their emotions in song, is all referenced in scripture.
We should pursue life being more like musicals. The next time I am singing "Seasons of Love" and someone tells me to shut up I will call down fire from Heaven on them.
Just imagine... a person will be smited by God in the name of RENT. Amen.
...
Also, a friend was talking about how he once told someone wearing a jersey to a team he didn't like that he would kick the *%&# out of them if they didn't take that shirt off.
So the kid actually took off his shirt and turned it inside out!
...
I have decided what I would respond if ever put in that situation.
"I'm about to make you a liar. It doesn't matter how much you kick me... I will not poop."
Suck that. I would even tuck my shirt in. That would show him.
...
Peace.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sacrifice
Sacrifice is such an ambiguous word.
...
In one sense, it is so obvious. It can be very plain to see a person painfully sacrifice something they love for something that is better but less selfgratifying.
On the other hand, sacrifice can be quiet and faceless. It can be subtle and unnoticed. It can focus around personal discipline and self control that everyone is completely oblivious to, except you. And it is because of that, that sacrifice can be faked.
...
I've notice that some points in my life were riddled with the lack of sacrifice. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. It didn't matter if it wasn't wise or if it was even detrimental because they weren't the kinds of decisions that people were aware of. They didn't come up in casual conversation and they weren't noticeable. But they were essential to the health of my spiritual life.
They had the ability to stabilize or warp my understanding of God and His desires. They contained the power to reinforce or discourage selfishness. And they had a firm grasp on my emotional state and personal attitudes towards everything.
And when I made poor decisions, it showed. It put me in bad places and perpetuated my location there. It made me stale and cynical and selfish. Faking sacrifice made me fake.
...
But no one knew that. Sure people may have noticed some subtle differences in attitude and personality, but nothing that caused alarm. And the changes were certainly far to vague for anyone to discern what the cause was.
But I knew. Good Lord, did I know. And no matter how much I would lie to myself I would always know that these sacrifices or lack-thereof were what kept me in the stale and stagnant places.
...
Think of a time where you had the chance to show someone kindness and you missed it. Maybe a homeless person approached you on the street or you had the chance to encourage someone you didn't like or you had the opportunity to anonymously provide someone with something they really needed.
A lot of times, sacrifices present themselves for only a moment, and then they are gone. They are always uncomfortable and they are always characterized by 2 voices in your head: one encouraging you to take the high road and be kind and the other telling you to be selfish and look out for your own interests.
And if you are not in a good place spiritually, if you are not healthy and focused on a consistent basis, then you will rarely handle those situations well. You may justify your failure and claim that you actually did the correct thing, but most of your justifications won't bring peace more than they will guilt.
...
No matter how bad at it we are, sacrifice is always a choice. It is a choice between what is selfless and what is selfish. And it is a choice that can only be made in that specific moment. Sacrifice can present itself in a circumstance where no one is watching, and those are probably the most important ones. The sacrifices that come at a time when no one is looking or no one will know whether you follow through or don't are the ones that speak the most about your character.
And the only one who will know what kind of character you truly have is you.
...
In those moments there is something to be recognized. We are presented with two paths: one which looks at the big picture, and one with a narrow view that can only see from your own eyes no further than an arms length.
The narrow view wants you to take a path that is short and leads to immediate gratification and preservation of what you want. The big picture path recognizes that you aren't the only one involved in this situation and that the path that makes you happy right now is not the path that ultimately takes you where you want to go. Because joy and happiness are different; very different.
And deep down, what really matters, is getting to where you ultimately want to go. Because where you want to go is somewhere good. Where you want to go is full of joy.
...
Take the high road and be aware that choosing where one voice tells you to go is going to take you further from where you want to go. The road to a character like Christ's is blanketed with sacrifice and selflessness more than we could ever imagine. It is going to be uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant.
But it is more than worth it. Because it is good.
...
"We endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ."
1 Corinthians 9:12
...
Peace.
...
In one sense, it is so obvious. It can be very plain to see a person painfully sacrifice something they love for something that is better but less selfgratifying.
On the other hand, sacrifice can be quiet and faceless. It can be subtle and unnoticed. It can focus around personal discipline and self control that everyone is completely oblivious to, except you. And it is because of that, that sacrifice can be faked.
...
I've notice that some points in my life were riddled with the lack of sacrifice. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. It didn't matter if it wasn't wise or if it was even detrimental because they weren't the kinds of decisions that people were aware of. They didn't come up in casual conversation and they weren't noticeable. But they were essential to the health of my spiritual life.
They had the ability to stabilize or warp my understanding of God and His desires. They contained the power to reinforce or discourage selfishness. And they had a firm grasp on my emotional state and personal attitudes towards everything.
And when I made poor decisions, it showed. It put me in bad places and perpetuated my location there. It made me stale and cynical and selfish. Faking sacrifice made me fake.
...
But no one knew that. Sure people may have noticed some subtle differences in attitude and personality, but nothing that caused alarm. And the changes were certainly far to vague for anyone to discern what the cause was.
But I knew. Good Lord, did I know. And no matter how much I would lie to myself I would always know that these sacrifices or lack-thereof were what kept me in the stale and stagnant places.
...
Think of a time where you had the chance to show someone kindness and you missed it. Maybe a homeless person approached you on the street or you had the chance to encourage someone you didn't like or you had the opportunity to anonymously provide someone with something they really needed.
A lot of times, sacrifices present themselves for only a moment, and then they are gone. They are always uncomfortable and they are always characterized by 2 voices in your head: one encouraging you to take the high road and be kind and the other telling you to be selfish and look out for your own interests.
And if you are not in a good place spiritually, if you are not healthy and focused on a consistent basis, then you will rarely handle those situations well. You may justify your failure and claim that you actually did the correct thing, but most of your justifications won't bring peace more than they will guilt.
...
No matter how bad at it we are, sacrifice is always a choice. It is a choice between what is selfless and what is selfish. And it is a choice that can only be made in that specific moment. Sacrifice can present itself in a circumstance where no one is watching, and those are probably the most important ones. The sacrifices that come at a time when no one is looking or no one will know whether you follow through or don't are the ones that speak the most about your character.
And the only one who will know what kind of character you truly have is you.
...
In those moments there is something to be recognized. We are presented with two paths: one which looks at the big picture, and one with a narrow view that can only see from your own eyes no further than an arms length.
The narrow view wants you to take a path that is short and leads to immediate gratification and preservation of what you want. The big picture path recognizes that you aren't the only one involved in this situation and that the path that makes you happy right now is not the path that ultimately takes you where you want to go. Because joy and happiness are different; very different.
And deep down, what really matters, is getting to where you ultimately want to go. Because where you want to go is somewhere good. Where you want to go is full of joy.
...
Take the high road and be aware that choosing where one voice tells you to go is going to take you further from where you want to go. The road to a character like Christ's is blanketed with sacrifice and selflessness more than we could ever imagine. It is going to be uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant.
But it is more than worth it. Because it is good.
...
"We endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ."
1 Corinthians 9:12
...
Peace.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Mediocrity Or More
Sometimes I think there is a choice.
An overarching choice of what kind of life I am going to live that is comprised of all the little choices I am making everyday.
It is the choice between mediocrity and something more. Something so much more that I don't even know where it takes me or what it entails. But it is more.
...
This makes every choice in front of me today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and so on... matter.
It makes everything matter because you can't make this choice of the tone of your life in one decision. It's not designed that way. It takes consistency and dedication to reach the more I am talking about. It takes commitment to not look at things simply in the now but to see the implications of life in a broader context.
The broader context is that what I want now oftentimes isn't going to take me where I want to be in the future. And so I have a choice, and I think it is a fairly common choice among people;
Do I sacrifice what I know I want now to be what I know I want to be and go where I know I want to go, or do I say to hell with it and do what I want in the moment?
...
The question is probably more elementary than we even realize. If I think back on it, a lot of my regrets in life come down to the fact that I satisfied something I wanted in the moment, even while knowing the possible repercussions or negative effects, simply because "I wanted it." Textbook temptation.
I normally see a point where I was contemplating whatever that choice or situation was, and I knew what the high road was and I knew that there was a wiser decision that I probably should make, but I chose the other one. I chose that because I thought I could get away with it, or it would be funny, or what would come of it wasn't actually that bad. Sometimes my justifications were right, and sometimes they were very very wrong. Enter Regret.
...
I have come to believe that those decisions, however little they were or weren't, have a profound impact on my character over time, if not the larger scope of my life in general. And they are what guide me toward mediocrity or more.
It's a battle of sorts. It makes the mundane significant and it begs you to get outside your own head and realize there are bigger things. Bigger things than the decisions right in front of you. More important things than just what you want in this moment. Things that make sacrifice worth it.
...
I believe I was made for more than mediocrity. But here, mediocrity can be a dirty word. It can seem like I am plastering some people as insignificant or doing things in the wrong way. I'm not. I'm just speaking from my conviction.
I think we were all made for more than mediocrity, and that looks different for me and for you. But I think you can feel what I'm talking about. This drive that we are supposed to be going somewhere good and we can feel it in our bones and in our spirits if we are going there. We can feel it if we are lost too. It's a sad, heavy feeling that seems like it robs our lives of carrying peace because we know there is more.
...
I think you know what I'm talking about. I don't think I'm crazy. And I want more. I don't want mediocrity. I want to be out of my head and I want you out of your head too. I want to do things well because I know that it matters more than I always think it does. I want to travel the road to more without the awful detours I know I could take. And I don't want a damn thing to do with the road to mediocrity.
...
We were made for more. And the choice is ours. We need to remember that it is our choice. And we need to know you don't just make it once. You make it over and over and over again. You make it until you die, because even if you have arrived, you can still leave.
I will not settle for less than more. With God's help, this is what we were made to do.
...
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
...
Peace.
An overarching choice of what kind of life I am going to live that is comprised of all the little choices I am making everyday.
It is the choice between mediocrity and something more. Something so much more that I don't even know where it takes me or what it entails. But it is more.
...
This makes every choice in front of me today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and so on... matter.
It makes everything matter because you can't make this choice of the tone of your life in one decision. It's not designed that way. It takes consistency and dedication to reach the more I am talking about. It takes commitment to not look at things simply in the now but to see the implications of life in a broader context.
The broader context is that what I want now oftentimes isn't going to take me where I want to be in the future. And so I have a choice, and I think it is a fairly common choice among people;
Do I sacrifice what I know I want now to be what I know I want to be and go where I know I want to go, or do I say to hell with it and do what I want in the moment?
...
The question is probably more elementary than we even realize. If I think back on it, a lot of my regrets in life come down to the fact that I satisfied something I wanted in the moment, even while knowing the possible repercussions or negative effects, simply because "I wanted it." Textbook temptation.
I normally see a point where I was contemplating whatever that choice or situation was, and I knew what the high road was and I knew that there was a wiser decision that I probably should make, but I chose the other one. I chose that because I thought I could get away with it, or it would be funny, or what would come of it wasn't actually that bad. Sometimes my justifications were right, and sometimes they were very very wrong. Enter Regret.
...
I have come to believe that those decisions, however little they were or weren't, have a profound impact on my character over time, if not the larger scope of my life in general. And they are what guide me toward mediocrity or more.
It's a battle of sorts. It makes the mundane significant and it begs you to get outside your own head and realize there are bigger things. Bigger things than the decisions right in front of you. More important things than just what you want in this moment. Things that make sacrifice worth it.
...
I believe I was made for more than mediocrity. But here, mediocrity can be a dirty word. It can seem like I am plastering some people as insignificant or doing things in the wrong way. I'm not. I'm just speaking from my conviction.
I think we were all made for more than mediocrity, and that looks different for me and for you. But I think you can feel what I'm talking about. This drive that we are supposed to be going somewhere good and we can feel it in our bones and in our spirits if we are going there. We can feel it if we are lost too. It's a sad, heavy feeling that seems like it robs our lives of carrying peace because we know there is more.
...
I think you know what I'm talking about. I don't think I'm crazy. And I want more. I don't want mediocrity. I want to be out of my head and I want you out of your head too. I want to do things well because I know that it matters more than I always think it does. I want to travel the road to more without the awful detours I know I could take. And I don't want a damn thing to do with the road to mediocrity.
...
We were made for more. And the choice is ours. We need to remember that it is our choice. And we need to know you don't just make it once. You make it over and over and over again. You make it until you die, because even if you have arrived, you can still leave.
I will not settle for less than more. With God's help, this is what we were made to do.
...
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
...
Peace.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Be Still, My Soul
I need to be more thankful. I really need to find joy in things.
I won't say that I suck at those things because that would just be self-pity, and that is lame. So I'll just admit that some characteristics about my personality tend keep me focused on things I should improve upon in an effort to always keep me striving forward. Sometimes that goes too far and I wind up beating myself up and such when I shouldn't.
If this all sounds familiar it is because you either know me well enough to have seen this happen of you read my blog called Price Check that I wrote quite some time ago that echoed some similar thoughts.
You'll have to forgive the redundancy, these are just some (still) current issues in my life.
...
When I take a step back, one that was hopefully preceded by a deep breath, then my mind is blown over and over again by the incredibleness that is my life.
The realizations are nearly heavenly.
So much so, that all I want to do is pull a magic lever that makes the entire world stop and see what I see and soak it all up and just stop. Stop. Appreciate.
But that lever is fake. There is nothing even close to doing that. I at least want to grab the nearest people to me and shake them til they see what I see. Til the moment of awe overtakes them like it just did me.
But that doesn't work either. I imagine most of the times I would do that, the person I'm attempted to assist would think i was having a moment of insanity more than a moment of clarity.
...
The worst part is that I get so discouraged when that moment doesn't stay as long as I'd like or seems to get interupted by one of the other, very real, and slightly less peaceful aspects of the world.
But that is just such the wrong reaction. It makes me shake my head. How can I go from a moment of incredible awe and thankfulness to discouragement and frustration? Makes me think I'm losing my mind and need to be diagnosed with something less than flattering to discuss at the lunch table.
...
In any case, I think that this is a very spiritual issue. Truth be told, I like to dance around spiritual issues in my writing. I don't like to be overbearing and force my own beliefs. I enjoy painting a picture with my stories and experiences and use them to find a connection from scripture or what I believe about God. Being blunt and using very Christian or Churchy language irks me. It makes me feel categorized when I read it and cliche when I write it. It doesn't mean I don't think those things are true, I think it just means that I don't like writing things that would have made me think the person who wrote it was out of their mind if I read it when I was 15.
15 year old Nick didn't have much appreciation for terribly Churchy and Christian langauge. The words were foreign and felt more like a cop-out than a perspective anyone really owned. It was almost like I didn't believe the people who wrote what I was reading really bought into what they were saying.
That's why it was cliche. It was just what everyone else always said. Why didn't anyone own what they said?
...
That was off topic, but I say that to say this: I think the devil is very real.
I think that he messes with us a lot. I think we can't say what that looks like and we can't consistently attribute different happenings to the devil. I think that he wants us to think we have him all figured out and pinned down.
I think that he gets us focused on little things. He distracts us. I think he helps us focus on the things we want and focus on the unsatisfactory parts of things. I think that he tugs us to pay attention to things that rob God of the glory and thanks He deserves. I think he temps us and encourages us to do things we know are unwise by helping us tell ourselves that it will be fine. I think he knows what he is doing, and he is the best at it. I think he causes us a lot of harm.
...
One of the Devil's best strategies for me is to distract me. My personality longs to be better and get my act together and be strong etc... I think that the devil uses that against me in all of the best ways he can, and that he is good at it.
I think he doesn't want me to be thankful and satisfied and selfless. I think think he wants me depressed and to pity myself. And I do not want to let him do that.
...
There are people, places, materials, things, assets, experiences, emotions, thoughts, smiles, hugs, tastes, feelings, sights, sounds, silence, and lives that bring me to tears when I try to comprehend how blessed I am because of them.
They are the same things that the devil attempts to keep my attention off of so that I can never appreciate what life is. So I can never give glory and be thankful.
If I made a list of those things then there wouldn't be enough time or interest for you to read the list, but I can almost gurantee I would cry thankful tears while I was thinking of all the things.
...
A lot of that list consists of people. People who show me love and whom I try to show the same in return.
To those people, I love you. You mean more than you know, and if you ever think you don't mean that much to me then just ask me to remind you. You are worth more than you know and if you think this message isn't about you then you are completely wrong.
...
This is not one of the best things I've ever written, but I leave you with this:
You are loved by the greatest of all. He has given you much. See what you have been given. Take a deep breath and slow everything down for just a moment. Just stop. Don't do anything. Be still and see. Imagine if all you can do was taken or you never got to do so much that you have. And just recognize that it warrants a "thank you."
...
You are loved. Maybe by me. And for sure by someone way better than that.
...
Peace.
I won't say that I suck at those things because that would just be self-pity, and that is lame. So I'll just admit that some characteristics about my personality tend keep me focused on things I should improve upon in an effort to always keep me striving forward. Sometimes that goes too far and I wind up beating myself up and such when I shouldn't.
If this all sounds familiar it is because you either know me well enough to have seen this happen of you read my blog called Price Check that I wrote quite some time ago that echoed some similar thoughts.
You'll have to forgive the redundancy, these are just some (still) current issues in my life.
...
When I take a step back, one that was hopefully preceded by a deep breath, then my mind is blown over and over again by the incredibleness that is my life.
The realizations are nearly heavenly.
So much so, that all I want to do is pull a magic lever that makes the entire world stop and see what I see and soak it all up and just stop. Stop. Appreciate.
But that lever is fake. There is nothing even close to doing that. I at least want to grab the nearest people to me and shake them til they see what I see. Til the moment of awe overtakes them like it just did me.
But that doesn't work either. I imagine most of the times I would do that, the person I'm attempted to assist would think i was having a moment of insanity more than a moment of clarity.
...
The worst part is that I get so discouraged when that moment doesn't stay as long as I'd like or seems to get interupted by one of the other, very real, and slightly less peaceful aspects of the world.
But that is just such the wrong reaction. It makes me shake my head. How can I go from a moment of incredible awe and thankfulness to discouragement and frustration? Makes me think I'm losing my mind and need to be diagnosed with something less than flattering to discuss at the lunch table.
...
In any case, I think that this is a very spiritual issue. Truth be told, I like to dance around spiritual issues in my writing. I don't like to be overbearing and force my own beliefs. I enjoy painting a picture with my stories and experiences and use them to find a connection from scripture or what I believe about God. Being blunt and using very Christian or Churchy language irks me. It makes me feel categorized when I read it and cliche when I write it. It doesn't mean I don't think those things are true, I think it just means that I don't like writing things that would have made me think the person who wrote it was out of their mind if I read it when I was 15.
15 year old Nick didn't have much appreciation for terribly Churchy and Christian langauge. The words were foreign and felt more like a cop-out than a perspective anyone really owned. It was almost like I didn't believe the people who wrote what I was reading really bought into what they were saying.
That's why it was cliche. It was just what everyone else always said. Why didn't anyone own what they said?
...
That was off topic, but I say that to say this: I think the devil is very real.
I think that he messes with us a lot. I think we can't say what that looks like and we can't consistently attribute different happenings to the devil. I think that he wants us to think we have him all figured out and pinned down.
I think that he gets us focused on little things. He distracts us. I think he helps us focus on the things we want and focus on the unsatisfactory parts of things. I think that he tugs us to pay attention to things that rob God of the glory and thanks He deserves. I think he temps us and encourages us to do things we know are unwise by helping us tell ourselves that it will be fine. I think he knows what he is doing, and he is the best at it. I think he causes us a lot of harm.
...
One of the Devil's best strategies for me is to distract me. My personality longs to be better and get my act together and be strong etc... I think that the devil uses that against me in all of the best ways he can, and that he is good at it.
I think he doesn't want me to be thankful and satisfied and selfless. I think think he wants me depressed and to pity myself. And I do not want to let him do that.
...
There are people, places, materials, things, assets, experiences, emotions, thoughts, smiles, hugs, tastes, feelings, sights, sounds, silence, and lives that bring me to tears when I try to comprehend how blessed I am because of them.
They are the same things that the devil attempts to keep my attention off of so that I can never appreciate what life is. So I can never give glory and be thankful.
If I made a list of those things then there wouldn't be enough time or interest for you to read the list, but I can almost gurantee I would cry thankful tears while I was thinking of all the things.
...
A lot of that list consists of people. People who show me love and whom I try to show the same in return.
To those people, I love you. You mean more than you know, and if you ever think you don't mean that much to me then just ask me to remind you. You are worth more than you know and if you think this message isn't about you then you are completely wrong.
...
This is not one of the best things I've ever written, but I leave you with this:
You are loved by the greatest of all. He has given you much. See what you have been given. Take a deep breath and slow everything down for just a moment. Just stop. Don't do anything. Be still and see. Imagine if all you can do was taken or you never got to do so much that you have. And just recognize that it warrants a "thank you."
...
You are loved. Maybe by me. And for sure by someone way better than that.
...
Peace.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Be Full
If I live a life that is so full and I am thankful for it all, then even the quiet alone times will be good.
They won't hurt. They won't sting. They won't be empty. And I won't want more.
I will know that I am loved by God, and by some here.
I will be safe.
...
Peace.
They won't hurt. They won't sting. They won't be empty. And I won't want more.
I will know that I am loved by God, and by some here.
I will be safe.
...
Peace.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Lost In Transition
Transitions are interesting. They are mark something fresh and new and they remind us that change exists. But those same characteristics can be what make a transition difficult and unenjoyable.
Yet that is never how we want it to be.
I can't imagine someone wanting a transition they will go through to be difficult, painful, awkward, or sad. We want transitions to be smooth and easy. And we want what is on the other side of the transition to make it all worth it.
...
A lot of my friends and I are at a point of transition right around now. And a lot of us will be at an even bigger one next year at this time. Some people's will be more complex and involve more decision making than others. Some people's transitions will be as smooth as can be. Some people will be making a transition alone, others will be making it with someone they love.
But when it is time to transition, when it is time to change and move on, you can't always delay it.
...
I love to write. I really do. It is so life-giving for me. And I try to write consistently and often because I want to be discipline about it. I think that would be healthy for me.
But I have been having a really hard time writing lately. I haven't felt focused. I haven't been able to focus well on pretty much anything. I haven't been able to focus enough to read anything I can't finish in one sitting. (That's why movies have been so good to me lately)
I think that it is because I am in transition.
...
Transitions, even the not so rough ones, have the ability to knock us off balance. They make us unsteady because things seem to lack predictability. They lack the rhythm we are used to.
We have to dance to a different beat when we start to transition.
...
Some transitions are temporary; a simple shift away from what we are used to for a short time before we go back. Some transitions are permanent; whatever we were doing before is long gone and all we have left is memories of the times behind and the hope of whatever is ahead.
Those ones are scary. Because hope isn't always readily available, so it seems. We don't like the new rhythm, we liked the old one. We don't want just the memories of previous times, we want to continue making new memories of that time.
And we just don't really know if we believe that what is ahead is really going to be worth it.
We really don't know if the new dance will be better than the old one.
...
Transitions are inevitable because change is inevitable. It varies in degree and vastness, but we see change nearly everyday. Our best response would probably be to learn to transition well. Learn to find the hope in new things, even if they aren't our first choice or our choice at all.
Learn to see that God's plan for you will not be foiled and that His intentions for your life are good beyond your comprehension.
And trust that Jesus will dance with you through every transition and on every stage of life you stand on.
...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
...
Peace.
Yet that is never how we want it to be.
I can't imagine someone wanting a transition they will go through to be difficult, painful, awkward, or sad. We want transitions to be smooth and easy. And we want what is on the other side of the transition to make it all worth it.
...
A lot of my friends and I are at a point of transition right around now. And a lot of us will be at an even bigger one next year at this time. Some people's will be more complex and involve more decision making than others. Some people's transitions will be as smooth as can be. Some people will be making a transition alone, others will be making it with someone they love.
But when it is time to transition, when it is time to change and move on, you can't always delay it.
...
I love to write. I really do. It is so life-giving for me. And I try to write consistently and often because I want to be discipline about it. I think that would be healthy for me.
But I have been having a really hard time writing lately. I haven't felt focused. I haven't been able to focus well on pretty much anything. I haven't been able to focus enough to read anything I can't finish in one sitting. (That's why movies have been so good to me lately)
I think that it is because I am in transition.
...
Transitions, even the not so rough ones, have the ability to knock us off balance. They make us unsteady because things seem to lack predictability. They lack the rhythm we are used to.
We have to dance to a different beat when we start to transition.
...
Some transitions are temporary; a simple shift away from what we are used to for a short time before we go back. Some transitions are permanent; whatever we were doing before is long gone and all we have left is memories of the times behind and the hope of whatever is ahead.
Those ones are scary. Because hope isn't always readily available, so it seems. We don't like the new rhythm, we liked the old one. We don't want just the memories of previous times, we want to continue making new memories of that time.
And we just don't really know if we believe that what is ahead is really going to be worth it.
We really don't know if the new dance will be better than the old one.
...
Transitions are inevitable because change is inevitable. It varies in degree and vastness, but we see change nearly everyday. Our best response would probably be to learn to transition well. Learn to find the hope in new things, even if they aren't our first choice or our choice at all.
Learn to see that God's plan for you will not be foiled and that His intentions for your life are good beyond your comprehension.
And trust that Jesus will dance with you through every transition and on every stage of life you stand on.
...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
...
Peace.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Death
I write this blog for an incredibly dear dear friend of mine. I believe these are words they need to hear whenever they are ready. I will not presume to know when that time will be, but these words, although not mine, will be waiting for them.
...
"How they do live on, those giants of our childhood, and how well they manage to take even death in their stride because although death can put an end to them right enough, it can never put an end to our relationship with them. Wherever or however else they may have come to life since, it is beyond a doubt that they live still in us. Memory is more than a looking back to a time that is no longer; it is a looking out into another kind of time altogether where everything that ever was continues not just to be, but to grow and change with the life that is in it still. The people we loved. The people who loved us. The people who, for good or ill, taught us things. Dead and gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us - and through them we come to understand ourselves - in new ways too. Who knows what 'the communion of saints' means, but surely it means more than just that we are all of us haunted by ghosts because they are not ghosts, these people we once knew, not just echoes of voices that have years since ceased to speak, but saints in the sense that through them something of the power and richness of life itself not only touches us once long ago, but continues to touch us. They have their own business to get on with now, I assume - 'increasing in knowledge and love of Thee,' says the Book of Common Prayer, and moving 'from strength to strength,' which sounds like business enough for anybody - and one imagines all of us on this shore fading for them as they journey ahead toward whatever new shore may await them; but it is as if they carry something of us on their way as we assuredly carry something of them on ours. That is perhaps why to think of them is a matter not only of remembering them as they used to be but of seeing and hearing them as in some sense they are now. If they had things to say to us then, they have things to say to us now too, not are they by any means always things we expect or the same things."
Frederick Buechner - The Sacred Journey
...
The dearest people we will ever love will die, whether we are there to mourn or we have already been previously mourned for ourselves. In either instance, although death robs us of people we love in perhaps the way we grasp on to the hardest, those people leave us with pieces of them that we continue to carry.
These pieces remain as real as the people we love ever were.
These pieces remind us of the incredible blessing our loves have been and continue to be to us.
...
I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
...
"How they do live on, those giants of our childhood, and how well they manage to take even death in their stride because although death can put an end to them right enough, it can never put an end to our relationship with them. Wherever or however else they may have come to life since, it is beyond a doubt that they live still in us. Memory is more than a looking back to a time that is no longer; it is a looking out into another kind of time altogether where everything that ever was continues not just to be, but to grow and change with the life that is in it still. The people we loved. The people who loved us. The people who, for good or ill, taught us things. Dead and gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us - and through them we come to understand ourselves - in new ways too. Who knows what 'the communion of saints' means, but surely it means more than just that we are all of us haunted by ghosts because they are not ghosts, these people we once knew, not just echoes of voices that have years since ceased to speak, but saints in the sense that through them something of the power and richness of life itself not only touches us once long ago, but continues to touch us. They have their own business to get on with now, I assume - 'increasing in knowledge and love of Thee,' says the Book of Common Prayer, and moving 'from strength to strength,' which sounds like business enough for anybody - and one imagines all of us on this shore fading for them as they journey ahead toward whatever new shore may await them; but it is as if they carry something of us on their way as we assuredly carry something of them on ours. That is perhaps why to think of them is a matter not only of remembering them as they used to be but of seeing and hearing them as in some sense they are now. If they had things to say to us then, they have things to say to us now too, not are they by any means always things we expect or the same things."
Frederick Buechner - The Sacred Journey
...
The dearest people we will ever love will die, whether we are there to mourn or we have already been previously mourned for ourselves. In either instance, although death robs us of people we love in perhaps the way we grasp on to the hardest, those people leave us with pieces of them that we continue to carry.
These pieces remain as real as the people we love ever were.
These pieces remind us of the incredible blessing our loves have been and continue to be to us.
...
I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
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