Prophetic

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This is the current background on my computer.

I've realized that whenever I change the wallpaper on my computer, I feel like it somehow symbolically represents my life.

Sometimes I think it reflects what my life currently feels like.

Sometimes when that isn't the case, I've caught myself looking back at my life since I changed the background, and the picture had actually become appropriate for what my life had started to feel like.
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Today I came across this photo again. And for the first time I looked at it's name.

It's called "Tracks to Nowhere."
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Peace.

Actions Scream Louder Than Words

Sometimes I feel God calling me to do particular things. Calling me to pursue something specific. To do something that is clear-cut.

And I kick and scream.
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I do this for two related reasons.

The first reason is: As long as I do it, I don't think it really matters if I am willing or not.

If God is calling me to do something and I do it, then He will make it happen if it has to for his kingdom. At least I truly believe that. Whether I do it kicking and screaming or I do it with a big smile doesn't change the fact that God will make it happen if it has to for His purposes (most of the time, that is - there are some exceptions but what I'm referring to isn't one of those exceptions).

The second reason is: If I convince myself that fulfilling this calling isn't really important or preferable, I won't be as disappointed if I fail.

Think about it. If God says, "Nick, I want you to do this," and then I say, "Ugh... I don't really want to. That's not what I want to do!" Then if it doesn't work out or something falls apart or I fail, then I'm not as disappointed. "I didn't want to do that anyways. Must have not been something God had for me."

I safeguard myself against feeling like a failure.
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A friend of mine recently read my post Price Check and sent me a message. It was great to hear from him. We met this summer for a week and haven't really spoken since.

One thing he reminded me of smacked me in the face so hard.

"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:33
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I suck at that so much. It's all about me. I'm what matters. Me. Me. ME!

How distorted is that? How awful is that? I mean, the verse has implications that carry over to more than just food and drink and clothing. Those things are what Jesus is specifically referring to, but the bigger idea is that God will take care of me and make me secure.
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I can be secure in Jesus.
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If you look at my life lately, you can see that no matter how much I say that, my actions don't affirm that it's what I actually believe.

I'm secure in having the things I want. That's what my actions say. And they don't even say it.

They scream it. At the top of their lungs.
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But my actions speak the truth. They tell the world that my kingdom, with my things, and my desires, and my wants, and my aspirations matter far more than God's.

At the end of the day I just don't trust God. I don't trust God enough to add those things to me.

If I pursue His will and His kingdom and His desire for my life and this world, then He will take care of me and I will be secure.

But my actions claim that I don't actually believe that. Or, even worse, if I do believe it then I've decided that my wants are just utterly more important than God's.

And that. Is. Awful. And it makes me awful.
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I'm sorry. I don't necessarily owe you an apology, but I very well might. I sure feel like I owe everyone an apology.

So I'm sorry.
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My Jesus,

I'll follow you as long as I can see

I'll stand by you as they criticize

And then among all the critics, I'll hear my own words...

Forgive my inconsistency

Amen
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Peace.

Jerkface

Do you know the feeling you have after you just treated someone poorly? The feeling you have when you were just mean to someone and you feel really crappy because of it. You don't want to apologize because it wasn't that big of a deal, but you still feel like a jerk.
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Do you know the feeling you have when your life is just imbalanced or off center? Things just don't feel right and it's so draining. It's almost like nothing feels right, but it isn't awful either. Life's just a little bit off and it's so draining.
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I have been feeling both those feelings constantly for weeks.

Constantly.
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The conclusion my mind has come to is that: I am a jerk. I am a prick. I am an ass.

I am a very ungraceful person.

I have concluded the reason I feel off center is because I am a jerk, and I am jerk because I feel like one constantly. As you can see, these two feelings create a cycle that is no fun.
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If you read my blog Price Check then you might wonder if this feeling is related to what I wrote about in that blog.

The answer is a resounding yes. Although, I really don't know how.

If I'm honest, so many things have come to my attention over the past month because of the things I wrote about in Price Check. And every single one of those realizations has sucked.

Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked.

But, I'm grateful I've come to the realizations. Truly.
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I would always rather have the truth than ignorance. Always.
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The worst part of where my mind is going is that I do not know what to do about any of this.

None of it.

I do not know how to fix whatever is wrong. I don't know what practical things I need to change or concentrate on or work on to make this better. I truly do not know what to do.

I'm stuck.
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So I pray. And I tell some select friends. I ask them to pray. And I talk to God. And I try to think I'm valuable.

But that is a tough pill to swallow.

Either way, I don't know what else to do. I really don't.

So I'm praying.
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I'm sorry if I was a jerk to you. And I mean that. Regardless of the moment, you deserve better than that.

And I'm trying to accept that I deserve better too.

I'm getting there.
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Peace.

Sean

In high school I had a friend named Sean. Sean was amazing. Sean had more passion in his little finger than I have in my entire body. Sean had more potential than anyone I'd ever met.

And Sean threw it all away.
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Sean loved God.

Sean wanted to love people.

Sean wanted to bring Jesus everywhere he went.
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Sean was made to do those things. It was obvious. You could see it. Everyone could.

Sean oozed potential that put me to shame.

And Sean threw it away.
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One of the most insightful things Sean ever said was this:

"Most of the time, when people who say they want to give all of their life to God and have Him completely transform their lives, they don't really mean what they just said. What they really mean is 'take everything in my life, except my desire to date someone,' or 'take everything, but my ability to smoke weed,' or 'take all of me except my occasional getting drunk at parties,' or, 'take all of me, except the sex with my girlfriend.' When that is our attitude then we aren't being upfront with God. When we tell God, 'take everything but just this little piece' God responds, 'Then keep everything. That's it. It's all or nothing.'"
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When you read that you can sense the passion. He was a person who had done it all the wrong way. He was a person that knew Jesus was more real then everything else he had ever put his life into.

That quote was so genuine from Sean because he had been the same person who said, "Take it all except this. Take it all except that."

"Take everything I am... except the things that are hardest to let go of."
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Eventually, Sean lost something. Or he gained something. I don't which. But it wasn't good.

It wasn't good.
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Sean began saying the same things he used to. The same things he knew were going to kill him.

Somewhere along the line, Sean began to believe that he could get by because he thought he could be an exception. And that attitude destroyed him.

He lost his passion.

He lost his love.

He got hit with so much hardship and he had nothing in himself that could save him. At the end of the day, Sean never wanted to give it all to Jesus.

He was addicted to his life, no matter how destructive it was.
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One of the most painful things I've ever watched was Sean's life go the way it has. To see a person who has so much potential and passion not be strong enough to sustain it...

It's more than awful.
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I write this because I see people who are like Sean.

They have his potential.

They have his passion.

And they are on the verge. They are at the crossroads Sean walked to. And I don't want to see them go the way Sean went.

Because watching that is more than heartbreaking.
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And the scariest thing. The absolute most terrifying thing. Is that sometimes...

I am Sean.
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Sometimes I see myself doing things things and making decisions that I know aren't from Jesus.

They are from me.
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I love Sean. I miss Sean.

But I don't ever want to be Sean.
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God, save us.
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Peace.

Africa. Not Virginia.

I need to go to Africa.

I'm called. Not permanently (I don't think). But I need to go and experience it. I need to go to the slums. I need to put faces with names and stories on the things that are just numbers and statistics to me. I need to put faces on those kids and hear the stories of those families.

I don't know when I have to go, but I have to go. Soon. In the next few years.
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I almost want to go alone. I don't want it to be safe. I don't want it to be planned. I want to have only God to trust in.

He'll take care of me.

I want to go and have God show me what God wants to show me. I'll just show up, because He is already there.
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I want it to destroy me.
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I want to take my family there when I have one. I want them to know what life is like for some people. So they never think we need a big house or nice things. I want them to always know that a world outside theirs exists.

Because when I was growing up I never knew that, and I so wish I had.
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If I see Africa, I know it will never let wanting what I want rule me. It will help always want what God wants.

I won't let me just have a nice house in the suburbs and pretend like suffering doesn't exist.

Jesus would hate that.
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I'm called to engage the suffering for the rest of my life, and Africa won't let me forget that.
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If I was in the suburbs and lived like I did when I grew up, then I would have false security. I would feel secure because of myself, not because of God.

I would have material comfort. I don't want that, because I would know it was fake.
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Nice things aren't fulfilling. Jesus is fulfilling. Doing His work is fulfilling.

Engaging this world is fulfilling.

Because then I know it's Jesus that is taking care of me. I trust Him more than myself, even if I'll never admit it.
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Someone used to tell me that after they graduated they wanted to move to Virginia and live in the mountains and have a nice house and live that kind of life.

I can't live that life. I'm called to something more.
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I'm called to Africa. I'm not called to Virginia. Maybe you are. That's okay. Go there. Love people. Jesus is in Virginia. But I'm not.

Africa. Not Virginia.
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Peace.

Price Check

One of the most providential things about my life is timing. I am positively convinced that the timing of things on my mind over the past week or so has been completely providential.
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I reread Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell over Xmas break, and this past week I typed up all the quotes from the book that I valued and saved them on my computer. I love quotes.

One of the quotes was, "I heard a teacher say that if people were taught more about who they are, they wouldn’t have to be told what to do. It would come naturally."

When I typed that up I realized how true that had to be because it was how I lived. I treated people as if that was what I believed about them. I tell people that they are valuable and loved and precious because I believe that is what will change them. That is what they need to hear. And that is what is true.
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I started living that way probably close to a year and a half ago. I read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller in the summer of 2007. In that book, Donald talks about how we treat love like a commodity. He would give it to people who he thought had earned it by doing good things or gave it to people in hopes of getting something else he wanted from them in return.

That is how I lived. Love is not a commodity, though. And so I stopped. I started to recognize value and worth in people no matter what, and so I started to love people recklessly. I gave love away lavishly. I started to love people until they broke me.

I believe I am blessed to be able to love people the way I can. And that became my favorite thing about myself. My ability to love.
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I was talking to a great friend of mine last night and got smacked right in the face with the fact that I don't love myself well. I value other people, but I've been putting myself down and keeping myself down for a long long time.

I don't ever remember liking myself.

What I really came to grips with is how bad this is ruining me. I realized I can't do anything well because of it. I can't love people well, I can't be secure, and I sure as hell can't be in a romantic relationship with someone if I don't love myself. I am constantly relying on other people to make me feel lovable and have any kind of worth.
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The worth I saw in everyone else, I didn't see in myself at all.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller says that he got to a point where he would never talk to someone the way he talked to himself, and somehow he had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but okay to do it to himself.

That is how I've felt.
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And I kept it that way on purpose. I've been keeping it that way on purpose because I've been afraid I couldn't love myself and love people. I couldn't do both.

I thought if I loved myself I would feel secure and content and I would lose the incentive to love people the way I do. I thought I would stop loving them because I wouldn't need it in return. That wasn't the only reason I loved people, but I've been afraid that if I loved myself and didn't rely on anyone else's love then I wouldn't be as reckless with how I loved people. And I don't want to not be reckless.

I like that I'm reckless with my love for people.
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But. I have to love myself. It says love your neighbor as yourself, so it has to be possible. Has to be.

I love people but if push came to shove I would collapse and kill myself and whoever I was trying to love. Because I don't see anything valuable in me. I've never felt anything other than dissatisfaction with myself.

Ever.
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I've been feeling like I was dying inside for so long because I was letting Jesus love me, but only through other people. I could never sustain anything on my own.

But that has to change. So I'm going to work on it.

This is me working on it.
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I know I am loved. I am valuable. God loves me. Always.

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8
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Peace.

Details

I was praying yesterday and I started to pray that I can just sit back in my life and watch things play out.

Watch things play out without becoming so invested and emotionally hooked over things that are happening in my life.
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I want more trust in God. More trust that if I'm not incredibly proactive about every single thing that the big picture of my life will still be good; even if the details don't always go the way I think I want them to.

I have a terrible habit of getting really involved and invested in things that are just details. Details that i could/should probably just leave to God.
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I asked God to help me relax and sit back. To not become so attached to a particular detail that it hurts me when it doesn't go my way.

If there is any short-coming in how I interact with God and live my life, that's it: I don't trust Him with the details.
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I trust Him with the big picture, but not the details.
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Peace.

Bond. James Bond.

I went and saw Quantum of Solace again last night. I love it far more than Casino Royale, and I am well aware that puts me in the minority of people. I LOVE Quantum of Solace. I love Daniel Craig in that movie. I love Bond in that movie. I love all the shots. I love everything Marc Forster did. I love the script. I love everything about it.

I want to be that Bond. I want to be that attractive, that confident, and that carefree. I want it.
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I'm incredibly jealous of James Bond in that movie because he loves no one. He loved someone, and they were taken from him. Sure he is hurting, and probably dying inside, but for some reason, in my current position in life, I see him as free. He is actually engulfed in anguish and revenge, but he truly has nothing to lose and nothing to maintain. I feel so jealous of that.
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I feel like I'm working to maintain so much love in my life. It's all conditional. I'm a slave to it. Bond isn't. He doesn't want it.

He is free from the need I am a slave to.
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I doubt he's permanently free. No one is. But even for a moment, I'd love to feel that freedom. He has so much confidence in who he is because he's free. He is just who he is; he isn't trying to impress anyone. He doesn't need anyone's love or affection. He doesn't long for it.

I do.

I want to be free from the debilitating, restricting desire and need to be accepted and feel loved. To feel free of the obligation of working for people's love.
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I want to be James Bond. He's free.
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Peace.

Pseudo Good Morning

I had a really weird experience. Kinda like Deja Vu. Maybe exactly like Deja Vu, but I'm no Deja Vu expert.

I woke up early this morning because I slept like crap last night and waking up far before I wanted to was just the perfect way to end it.
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I really did not like high school most of the time I was in it. That seems to be the consensus for most people once you are a few years removed from it. I especially hated the morning before I would drive to school, or get on the bus when I was even younger.

I would wake up and stumble around the house to the bathroom and then my room and then the kitchen and then back to my room and do all the things necessary to get ready to leave. When I was too young to drive to school, I remember being ready a few minutes before the bus would come and just sitting in my living room far too early in the morning watching SportsCenter on ESPN. This really sucked because I never got to see a full episode and always managed to see the bus coming down the street right as the highlights I really wanted to see were coming on.

It was very frustrating. Especially since I was already frustrated to be awake and miserable I was going to school for the next 8 hours.

The other thing that really sucked about those mornings sitting and watching SportsCenter was that, depending what time of year it was, there wasn't even anything I was interested in being talked about. When I was younger, all I cared about was football. I never liked baseball or hockey or basketball highlights because I didn't care much about the sports.
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I hated baseball season. Basketball and hockey seasons were no better, but baseball season just seemed sooooo long. And there are games everyday. Its not like I knew that Monday mornings was the day SportsCenter was going to be covering all the baseball highlights because baseball was played on Sunday. No no no. Everyday, for months, baseball ruled the highlights and the news and the commentary on SportsCenter.

I hated those months.

I hated being awake in the mornings.

I hated high school.

At that point in my life, I was a very unhappy young kid.
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This morning I woke up way too early and rolled over in bed fully aware I was not going to get back to sleep. I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV and flipped over to SportsCenter. They were showing highlights of a basketball game. A Knicks game I cared nothing about.

In that moment, the feelings of being miserable for being awake too early and the dissappointment/disatisfaction/indifference of watching highlights I was completely uninterested in fused together in a fashion very similar to that of what I used to feel daily in 9th grade.

My stomach dropped, and I hated life for a moment.
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How weird that feeling was captivates me. I was so discouraged. I hate being miserable, but in that moment I was fully aware that I was miserable because of circumstances that no longer exist and I just had a flashback of emotions from 6 years ago. It was fascinating and it sucked real bad at the same time.

Crazy.

Luckily I changed the channel and watched music videos on Vh1. That might have been no better, except they no longer videos and songs from 2003. I'm grateful for that.
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Peace.

It Runs In The Family

I talked to my mom about theology and God last night. We talk about that stuff sometimes. It's normally her just asking me lots and lots of questions. It's always tough. All she wants is to understand and hear God so she can follow Him well. It's kinda like, "who doesn't, right?!" But it's not that simple.

Because I don't a lot of the time.

I mean, I do, but I'm really afraid because I feel like it's going to be hard or scary or not what I want.

I think a lot of the time I still do what I know/think is right more than what I want, but not always. Definitely not always.

I'm real real selfish.
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I admire my mom's childlike faith, and I feel bad she doesn't understand that she knows God enough to follow Him. She always thinks He's judging her, but in an irritated parental fashion. Very ungraceful. It's tough to get her to think otherwise. She isn't very comfortable with the idea of unconditional love, but who is?

I think she knows God enough to follow Him well. I know she does. Maybe she just lacks a confidence in her own spiritual maturity and understanding. Maybe I just have way too much in mine.
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I want to always have a deep conviction and passion to follow Him in everything I do, even the small things, like she does. To follow because He loves me and died for me.

A lot of the time I do, but definitely not always.
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Peace.