Pseudo Good Morning

I had a really weird experience. Kinda like Deja Vu. Maybe exactly like Deja Vu, but I'm no Deja Vu expert.

I woke up early this morning because I slept like crap last night and waking up far before I wanted to was just the perfect way to end it.
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I really did not like high school most of the time I was in it. That seems to be the consensus for most people once you are a few years removed from it. I especially hated the morning before I would drive to school, or get on the bus when I was even younger.

I would wake up and stumble around the house to the bathroom and then my room and then the kitchen and then back to my room and do all the things necessary to get ready to leave. When I was too young to drive to school, I remember being ready a few minutes before the bus would come and just sitting in my living room far too early in the morning watching SportsCenter on ESPN. This really sucked because I never got to see a full episode and always managed to see the bus coming down the street right as the highlights I really wanted to see were coming on.

It was very frustrating. Especially since I was already frustrated to be awake and miserable I was going to school for the next 8 hours.

The other thing that really sucked about those mornings sitting and watching SportsCenter was that, depending what time of year it was, there wasn't even anything I was interested in being talked about. When I was younger, all I cared about was football. I never liked baseball or hockey or basketball highlights because I didn't care much about the sports.
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I hated baseball season. Basketball and hockey seasons were no better, but baseball season just seemed sooooo long. And there are games everyday. Its not like I knew that Monday mornings was the day SportsCenter was going to be covering all the baseball highlights because baseball was played on Sunday. No no no. Everyday, for months, baseball ruled the highlights and the news and the commentary on SportsCenter.

I hated those months.

I hated being awake in the mornings.

I hated high school.

At that point in my life, I was a very unhappy young kid.
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This morning I woke up way too early and rolled over in bed fully aware I was not going to get back to sleep. I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV and flipped over to SportsCenter. They were showing highlights of a basketball game. A Knicks game I cared nothing about.

In that moment, the feelings of being miserable for being awake too early and the dissappointment/disatisfaction/indifference of watching highlights I was completely uninterested in fused together in a fashion very similar to that of what I used to feel daily in 9th grade.

My stomach dropped, and I hated life for a moment.
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How weird that feeling was captivates me. I was so discouraged. I hate being miserable, but in that moment I was fully aware that I was miserable because of circumstances that no longer exist and I just had a flashback of emotions from 6 years ago. It was fascinating and it sucked real bad at the same time.

Crazy.

Luckily I changed the channel and watched music videos on Vh1. That might have been no better, except they no longer videos and songs from 2003. I'm grateful for that.
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Peace.

It Runs In The Family

I talked to my mom about theology and God last night. We talk about that stuff sometimes. It's normally her just asking me lots and lots of questions. It's always tough. All she wants is to understand and hear God so she can follow Him well. It's kinda like, "who doesn't, right?!" But it's not that simple.

Because I don't a lot of the time.

I mean, I do, but I'm really afraid because I feel like it's going to be hard or scary or not what I want.

I think a lot of the time I still do what I know/think is right more than what I want, but not always. Definitely not always.

I'm real real selfish.
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I admire my mom's childlike faith, and I feel bad she doesn't understand that she knows God enough to follow Him. She always thinks He's judging her, but in an irritated parental fashion. Very ungraceful. It's tough to get her to think otherwise. She isn't very comfortable with the idea of unconditional love, but who is?

I think she knows God enough to follow Him well. I know she does. Maybe she just lacks a confidence in her own spiritual maturity and understanding. Maybe I just have way too much in mine.
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I want to always have a deep conviction and passion to follow Him in everything I do, even the small things, like she does. To follow because He loves me and died for me.

A lot of the time I do, but definitely not always.
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Peace.

Be Specific

I bought a journal last week. I've been told it looks "very me." I'm pumped about that, because I like how it looks. I must like my style.

I want to journal in 2009. I hope I'll be consistent with it. I'm pretty sure I won't do it everyday, but I want to try.

Just the idea that this book exists scares the hell out of me. Literally scares me to death. The idea that someone could read it and see things I thought that I'm not ready for them (or anybody?) to hear... It just scares me to have something tangible that other people can engage simply by having it that will expose me for me. I have a deep fear that if people know me, then they won't like me anymore. I think most people have that fear. This book just intensifies the possibility of people figuring out who I am.

In any event, I've decided to post here, my first journal entry that I just wrote. Well, at least the first 30% or so of it. I hope it is enlightening. It was for me just to write it.
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"So here I start, journaling... It's a pretty scary proposition to me. I feel terrified that a book could even record thoughts that I don't want anyone else to see. Not that I necessarily don't want people to know some of the things I write, but I don't think that everything I write is going to be material that I'm okay with people reading.

I'd rather this not be like my blog, ya know?

In the blog, I censor myself. I have to. The material I post in there needs to be material that I'm okay with other people reading and knowing and just understanding that I think about X, Y, and Z a lot even though I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldnt think about or dwell on girls and love and relationships and money or whatever else I freak about. I think a lot about things that don't really deserve or warrant the attention I give them. A whole lot. A way way lot. A lot more than I should. A lot.

I don't talk about those things in the blog. They make me seem real weak and crazy and broken. They make me seem like I have baggage and I hate the idea of people thinking I have baggage. HATE IT. So I don't show it. I don't blog about the things that are painful and heartbreaking and hurtful and consuming. They're just too much.

Instead, I only blog about processed things. It's not like I think people don't know that I'm weak and crazy and broken, but to show anyone, in a blog, specifically why and who and how I am broken and hurting and weak: that is just terrifying, and I don't think it's appropriate. So I won't do it.

And that's why I've started this. So I can consistently be specific somewhere outside the the 23 inch circumference of my head. Here I can name names and record vivid memories and emotions and experiences that might be too open for a blog. On the blog, that would just make me seem pissy or crazy. But here... here it just makes me, me."
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After that I went on to name names and tell stories. I'd say more but it wouldn't be appropriate.
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Peace.

Semester Hindsight

So here I am, a week and a half into Christmas break, and I'm just now writing a blog. My intellectual production is apparently less than stellar.

Maybe that isn't the case. Maybe the things that are on my mind are just things that aren't blog material (for a number of reasons). Actually, I'm completely positive that is the case.

I'll try to start thinking thoughts that are fitting to be disclosed in blog format.
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Regardless, I might as well talk about what I have been up to.

-sleep
-additional sleep
-working out (I joined a gym)
-reading (not as much as I hoped)
-writing (nowhere near as much as I hoped)
-thinking (a whole lot about things that don't deserve the attention I give them)

I've decided that since this is a break, that is exactly what I'm going to make it. This month off will be a break that allows me to recover from the strain of my 5th semester at Malone.
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This past semester sucked. Well, I shouldn't be so fast to say that. My schedule sucked. I felt very stretched when it came to time. Far too many days I thought I needed there to be more than 24 hours in that day so I could take some time and slow down. That is a ridiculous feeling to have when you are 20 years old, at least I think it is.

I literally remember thinking that and then saying to myself, "Whatever is wrong here is in the way I'm doing things. There is no way in hell I can actually be feeling like this."

My classes weren't bad, but they weren't amazing. There is a good chance that the schedule I was working with made it harder for me to enjoy my classes. That is a very strong possibility, so I won't put any blame on them.
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There were things about this semester that were awesome.

Move groups were awesome. Hearing the positive feedback and the passion of some students involved. The impact we made through the days with Multi-Development Services and everything else... that was amazing. It was all God, and it was awesome to watch it happen.

Being a CA was awesome. To invest in people, to try and be a resource to people however you can, that was cool. I don't think I was a very good CA, if I'm honest. There is a right way and a wrong way to go about being a CA and I feel like I learned so much about how to do things well by not doing them so well right off the bat. I loved my class, I loved my students, and I loved my professor. There is no way if I do it again that I could have as positive of an experience as I did this time. Maybe I'm wrong... but I really don't know.
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Well, it is what it is. Break is break and God is God. Sometimes when I say things like that people give me a weird look. I think I just mean that God is still God and He is still in control just like always, and break is here and it is a break from all the things I knew it would be a break from. It's predictable.

Maybe it also carries the tone that break isn't as fulfilling as I hoped or thought it could be, so I remember that God is God and that means He is fulfilling. Even though that is a good way to think, I always say is as if I'm dissappointed. I probably am. I probably should get over it. My bad.
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This blog isn't riveting. I'm aware. I have other thoughts. But they aren't refined enough or appropriate topics to be processed in this place. I'm sorry. I feel guilty for that. I probably shouldn't. I probably should get over it.

My bad.
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Peace

Reminiscence

It's been a month. I've been busy, and I'm sorry. Excuses are lame, I know; so I'll stop.
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One of my friends told me I was reminiscent lately. I actually wish that were more true.
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In my life, it is so easy to forget God when things are going well. I have a terrible memory. It is absolutely awful. I don't necessarily forget names or details or information; I forget things that are more important.

I forget God.
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I always have. When things are going well in my life, I feel like I'm in control. I'll think that I'm the reason things are going well. I've started to make the right decisions and finally I have this little part of life figured out. Finally, I understand how to make this happen the right way.

The truth is quite different, however. In reality, the reason I forget God is because when things are bad I have to cry out for Him. When things are bad, I can't get through without God. So I cry out and beg for Him to walk with Him and put all my focus on Him.

I need Him because I am weak.
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The change comes when I experience success. Success socially, or romantically, or academically, or emotionally. That success gives me this ridiculous feeling of self-sufficiency. It makes me think that I don't need Him anymore, because I can take it from here.

The sad part is that once I get to that point, I then have the greatest chance to completely mess up everything.
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I need to stop forgetting God. I forget that God got me to where I am. I forget that God gave me these people in my life. I forget that God gave me the opportunity to be where I am.

I forget things that I absolutely KNOW.
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It is frustrating to have this kind of a memory. I can only imagine how much it hurts to be where God is, on the other side. I'd hate to care about a person who constantly forgets or rejects my desire to love them and do life with them.

It's like I tell God that He can sit this one out; I got it.

When the truth is all I've got is the recipe to fail. All I have is the experience of screwing up great things. Unfortunately, I forget that I don't have any other experience.
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I really don't want to forget God. I don't want to forget the things I know. I don't want to forget that my life runs through Him.

Those are terrible things to forget. Trust me.
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Peace.

Fortune Teller

Jesus isn't safe.
Jesus really effs with your life.
Jesus makes things hard.
Jesus puts what I care about in danger.

But that is only because I care about the wrong things.
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Sometimes I really believe I am going to go somewhere that isn't safe. Not that I can't or don't do things worth doing here and now, but this feeling just seems to tell me I'm going somewhere very different.

Somewhere where I don't have any cares that could hold me back. (People or things)
Somewhere where I do what Jesus did. (Show people who God is)
Somewhere where I love like Jesus loves. (Unconditionally)
Somewhere where I do things most don't want to do. (Let my heart be broken; over and over)
Somewhere where I am really called to be. (Somewhere different)
Somewhere where I don't even know who will be there with me. (This sucks)
Somewhere where I don't have anything but my character and my actions. (Only He defines me)
Somewhere where nothing matters but Jesus. (Like it should be now, but it isn't)

Good God, that's scary...

Things Exist

Recently I've been telling myself "things exist" over and over.

I write it on my whiteboard. I write it on my wrist. I write it on my arm.

I need to be reminded that "things exist."
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I need to remember because I have strong desires for specific things deep down in my soul. I want these things so badly now, or in the future, that sometimes it consumes me and everything I do is somehow motivated by trying to get the things I want in my life.

I build these specific things I desire up in my mind to the point that I begin to think that nothing better exists. My head tells me I could never have anything better.

I begin to believe they are the best things that could ever happen in my life.
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As far back as I can remember, I remember always getting to a point when I really wanted something I began to believe that it was the best thing that I could ever have.

I would really be missing out if I didn't have whatever that was in my life. (And I really didn't want to miss out)
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But as far back as I can remember, I was always wrong too. There always came new things or people or opportunities that were so much better than anything I had ever seen before in my life. I just had to go through some life to get to them.

Better things existed. Better things had always existed. Even though I was positive they didn't.
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Things come and things go. Desires change with time. It's tough to think ahead and expect something better when you feel like you have something golden right in front of you, just out of your reach.

I just need to remember that things exist. And they always have.
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Peace.

Hair Ties And Life Stories

Last year around this time I found a black hair tie in a friend of mine's bookbag. I put it on my wrist.

Not because it meant anything. That was kind of the point. I actually just did it because I thought it looked kinda cool. Another part of me liked the idea of wearing a wristband that didn't mean anything since everyone always seems to wear wristbands that stand for something. I guess I just wanted to go against the grain a little bit.
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I had that wristband on my right wrist 24/7. People would ask what it stood for, or what it meant, or why I was wearing it. They always seems so surprised/confused when I would say it didn't mean anything; I just thought it looked kinda cool.

I guess people really don't wear wristbands just for the hell of it. Except me, that is.
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I tell this story because about 3 weeks ago I lost my black wristband.

And all of a sudden, my meaningless black wristband had a ton of meaning to me. Not intentionally, of course, but I started to catch myself noticing it wasn't on my wrist and then I would begin to remember everything I went through or experienced over the past year of my life.

It was like a chapter of my life could be defined as the chapter I wore this black hair tie on my wrist.
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To be honest I miss it; I don't want that chapter of my life to end.
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A couple great friendships grew and formed in this chapter.
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A couple relationships got off the ground but never went anywhere in this chapter.
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A lot of great times were shared with my core group of friends in this chapter.
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I lived in Upper Barclay for the first time in this chapter.
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I took a hiatus from theater in this chapter.
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I struggled with pacifism and government in this chapter.
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I broke a bone for the first time in my life in this chapter.
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I broke a bone for the second time in my life in this chapter.
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A lot of great books were read in this chapter.
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I spent my first summer in Canton in this chapter.
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I took the longest road trip of my life in this chapter.
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I hurt a lot of people in this chapter.
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A lot of people hurt me in this chapter.
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I loved a lot of people in this chapter.
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A lot of people loved me in this chapter.
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I had the internship of a lifetime in this chapter.
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The vision for Move groups came in this chapter.
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I pursued and ran from Jesus in this chapter.
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Jesus pursued me in this chapter.
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You were in this chapter.
Thank you.
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I'm going to miss that chapter.

Peace.

Notice The Difference

I was still unknown by sight to the churches of Judea which were in Christ; but only, they kept hearing, "He who once persecuted us is now preaching the faith which he once tried to destroy." And they were glorifying God because of me.

Galatians 1:22-24
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In this passage, Paul is recapping much of what he has done since the time he became a follow of Christ. He talks about how he had left many of his Jewish contemporaries in the dust and was also a wicked persecutor of the faith.

And then he talks about he was making his first visit to the churches in Judea.
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The reason this gets to interesting to me, is that Paul talks about how the churches Judea were completely unfamiliar to him by sight; they had only ever heard about how he was attempting to destroy the faith.

So let's recap for a second. We have Paul, a former Pharisee of Pharisees that was advancing far beyond many of his peers and also was rigorously pursuing Christians to put them to death. And now, he will go and visit Judea.
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What is so amazing to me about this passage is the reaction from the Judean church when they hear that Paul is coming to visit.

They begin to glorify God, not because they have seen Paul, but simply because they are aware of what his old ways were and what his current ways are. And it is night and day, ladies and gentlemen. Night and day.
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These believers had never even seen Paul, but they were rejoicing for the change of his heart and love given to him by the Spirit.

What is the chance that something like that happens to us on any kind of consistent basis?

I think that it happens a lot when we first come to follow Christ, right? At that point, the only thing on our mind is how do we follow Christ in a genuine way? What do we have to do to show the world that we have his Spirit?
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Maybe for you, you have never really not been a Christian. In that case, maybe the question you need to reflect on is when was the last time someone told you that you were a blessing to them? Maybe it was yesterday, and maybe you don't remember when the last time that was.
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If there was a time in your life when you did not follow Christ, then here is a question you can ask yourself: What can I do that will let me shine the brightest I can possibly shine in this world; that will make me look different?

The answer to that question may not be what you are looking for, and I'm not suggesting you need to go and leave everyone that God has put in your life behind. What I would say I am suggesting, is that if you look at where God has brought you at this point in your life, then take a look around and see where is that Christ's light needs to show up.
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Paul tells us about how the change in his life made people give glory to God simply because they heard about the change in his life. That's sweet.

One way I feel like that could apply to us, is to see if there is a way that we can do the kinds of things that Paul did and live with that kind of vigor so that we can help people see that light that Christ has put in us. And that question applies to anyone, whether you have just become a Christian or you have been going to church since you can remember.

What is it about you and the way you conduct yourself that is going to make people praise God that you chose to follow him?
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Peace.

Hell's Invitation

In his book, Sex God, Rob Bell talks about how big the implications of our actions actually are. We hardly ever realize it and we allow ourselves to think as if we are unimportant and we are unable to actually make an impact.

Rob has this to say regarding that:

"With every decision, conversation, gesture, comment, action, and attitude, we’re inviting heaven or hell to earth."
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Obviously Rob believes that our actions actually carry HUGE implications in the spiritual realm of our world. And I think he is completely right.

It is funny because we will so often act as if the things we do, even when we know they are wrong, don't matter because we can't make a difference. But by the same token, if we are trying to do something good or honorable, we want the praise and we want to be noticed for the fact we are attempting to make a difference and positive impact in our world. I guess we just can't make up our mind whether we are instrumental or we don't matter at all.

I'm pretty sure we are instrumental.
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In any case, I think that something we really need to recognize is just how influential we are in the world and what our responsibility as Christ follows will always be: Bring the Kingdom to earth.

If that is true, then everything we do (gestures, decisions, thoughts, comments, attitudes) will bring either more of Heaven or more of Hell to our world.

We are so much more influential than we ever want to accept.
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I want to add something to what Rob said in his book (which by the way, if you have not read Sex God, you must. It is literally amazing. One of the best books I've ever read).

Not only do we create a world which more resembles either God's eternal presence or His eternal absence, but we have the ability to create and sustain an atmosphere around us that affects everyone we come in contact with. We create something that is painful and frustrating and sorrowful; and it follows us wherever we go.

Not only do we create that kind of an environment for the people we interact with; we create it for ourselves, too.

We have the ability to make our lives a living hell, and everyone who is reading this right now knows exactly what I am talking about. We make decisions and do or say things that not only make it Hell for people to interact with us, but we make it Hell to be us. We invite Hell, not only into this world, but we invite it into our hearts and our persons.

And trust me, as fallen beings, we are fantastic at harboring Hell deep within ourselves.
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So this is what I suggest. Pursue the Kingdom. Spend time with Christ and ask Him to fill you. We cannot do this alone, and we do not have to. Not anymore.

When Christ is thriving within us, then pursuing the Kingdom is our truest desire, and He will speak how it is we should do that to us. We just need to listen.

But take heart. We don't have to make those decisions alone. We have a wonderful loving savior who is willing to walk right next to us, every single step of the way.
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"My old self has been crucified with Christ. For is it no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me."

Galatians 2:20
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Peace.