Semester Hindsight

So here I am, a week and a half into Christmas break, and I'm just now writing a blog. My intellectual production is apparently less than stellar.

Maybe that isn't the case. Maybe the things that are on my mind are just things that aren't blog material (for a number of reasons). Actually, I'm completely positive that is the case.

I'll try to start thinking thoughts that are fitting to be disclosed in blog format.
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Regardless, I might as well talk about what I have been up to.

-sleep
-additional sleep
-working out (I joined a gym)
-reading (not as much as I hoped)
-writing (nowhere near as much as I hoped)
-thinking (a whole lot about things that don't deserve the attention I give them)

I've decided that since this is a break, that is exactly what I'm going to make it. This month off will be a break that allows me to recover from the strain of my 5th semester at Malone.
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This past semester sucked. Well, I shouldn't be so fast to say that. My schedule sucked. I felt very stretched when it came to time. Far too many days I thought I needed there to be more than 24 hours in that day so I could take some time and slow down. That is a ridiculous feeling to have when you are 20 years old, at least I think it is.

I literally remember thinking that and then saying to myself, "Whatever is wrong here is in the way I'm doing things. There is no way in hell I can actually be feeling like this."

My classes weren't bad, but they weren't amazing. There is a good chance that the schedule I was working with made it harder for me to enjoy my classes. That is a very strong possibility, so I won't put any blame on them.
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There were things about this semester that were awesome.

Move groups were awesome. Hearing the positive feedback and the passion of some students involved. The impact we made through the days with Multi-Development Services and everything else... that was amazing. It was all God, and it was awesome to watch it happen.

Being a CA was awesome. To invest in people, to try and be a resource to people however you can, that was cool. I don't think I was a very good CA, if I'm honest. There is a right way and a wrong way to go about being a CA and I feel like I learned so much about how to do things well by not doing them so well right off the bat. I loved my class, I loved my students, and I loved my professor. There is no way if I do it again that I could have as positive of an experience as I did this time. Maybe I'm wrong... but I really don't know.
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Well, it is what it is. Break is break and God is God. Sometimes when I say things like that people give me a weird look. I think I just mean that God is still God and He is still in control just like always, and break is here and it is a break from all the things I knew it would be a break from. It's predictable.

Maybe it also carries the tone that break isn't as fulfilling as I hoped or thought it could be, so I remember that God is God and that means He is fulfilling. Even though that is a good way to think, I always say is as if I'm dissappointed. I probably am. I probably should get over it. My bad.
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This blog isn't riveting. I'm aware. I have other thoughts. But they aren't refined enough or appropriate topics to be processed in this place. I'm sorry. I feel guilty for that. I probably shouldn't. I probably should get over it.

My bad.
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Peace

Reminiscence

It's been a month. I've been busy, and I'm sorry. Excuses are lame, I know; so I'll stop.
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One of my friends told me I was reminiscent lately. I actually wish that were more true.
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In my life, it is so easy to forget God when things are going well. I have a terrible memory. It is absolutely awful. I don't necessarily forget names or details or information; I forget things that are more important.

I forget God.
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I always have. When things are going well in my life, I feel like I'm in control. I'll think that I'm the reason things are going well. I've started to make the right decisions and finally I have this little part of life figured out. Finally, I understand how to make this happen the right way.

The truth is quite different, however. In reality, the reason I forget God is because when things are bad I have to cry out for Him. When things are bad, I can't get through without God. So I cry out and beg for Him to walk with Him and put all my focus on Him.

I need Him because I am weak.
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The change comes when I experience success. Success socially, or romantically, or academically, or emotionally. That success gives me this ridiculous feeling of self-sufficiency. It makes me think that I don't need Him anymore, because I can take it from here.

The sad part is that once I get to that point, I then have the greatest chance to completely mess up everything.
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I need to stop forgetting God. I forget that God got me to where I am. I forget that God gave me these people in my life. I forget that God gave me the opportunity to be where I am.

I forget things that I absolutely KNOW.
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It is frustrating to have this kind of a memory. I can only imagine how much it hurts to be where God is, on the other side. I'd hate to care about a person who constantly forgets or rejects my desire to love them and do life with them.

It's like I tell God that He can sit this one out; I got it.

When the truth is all I've got is the recipe to fail. All I have is the experience of screwing up great things. Unfortunately, I forget that I don't have any other experience.
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I really don't want to forget God. I don't want to forget the things I know. I don't want to forget that my life runs through Him.

Those are terrible things to forget. Trust me.
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Peace.

Fortune Teller

Jesus isn't safe.
Jesus really effs with your life.
Jesus makes things hard.
Jesus puts what I care about in danger.

But that is only because I care about the wrong things.
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Sometimes I really believe I am going to go somewhere that isn't safe. Not that I can't or don't do things worth doing here and now, but this feeling just seems to tell me I'm going somewhere very different.

Somewhere where I don't have any cares that could hold me back. (People or things)
Somewhere where I do what Jesus did. (Show people who God is)
Somewhere where I love like Jesus loves. (Unconditionally)
Somewhere where I do things most don't want to do. (Let my heart be broken; over and over)
Somewhere where I am really called to be. (Somewhere different)
Somewhere where I don't even know who will be there with me. (This sucks)
Somewhere where I don't have anything but my character and my actions. (Only He defines me)
Somewhere where nothing matters but Jesus. (Like it should be now, but it isn't)

Good God, that's scary...

Things Exist

Recently I've been telling myself "things exist" over and over.

I write it on my whiteboard. I write it on my wrist. I write it on my arm.

I need to be reminded that "things exist."
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I need to remember because I have strong desires for specific things deep down in my soul. I want these things so badly now, or in the future, that sometimes it consumes me and everything I do is somehow motivated by trying to get the things I want in my life.

I build these specific things I desire up in my mind to the point that I begin to think that nothing better exists. My head tells me I could never have anything better.

I begin to believe they are the best things that could ever happen in my life.
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As far back as I can remember, I remember always getting to a point when I really wanted something I began to believe that it was the best thing that I could ever have.

I would really be missing out if I didn't have whatever that was in my life. (And I really didn't want to miss out)
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But as far back as I can remember, I was always wrong too. There always came new things or people or opportunities that were so much better than anything I had ever seen before in my life. I just had to go through some life to get to them.

Better things existed. Better things had always existed. Even though I was positive they didn't.
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Things come and things go. Desires change with time. It's tough to think ahead and expect something better when you feel like you have something golden right in front of you, just out of your reach.

I just need to remember that things exist. And they always have.
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Peace.

Hair Ties And Life Stories

Last year around this time I found a black hair tie in a friend of mine's bookbag. I put it on my wrist.

Not because it meant anything. That was kind of the point. I actually just did it because I thought it looked kinda cool. Another part of me liked the idea of wearing a wristband that didn't mean anything since everyone always seems to wear wristbands that stand for something. I guess I just wanted to go against the grain a little bit.
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I had that wristband on my right wrist 24/7. People would ask what it stood for, or what it meant, or why I was wearing it. They always seems so surprised/confused when I would say it didn't mean anything; I just thought it looked kinda cool.

I guess people really don't wear wristbands just for the hell of it. Except me, that is.
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I tell this story because about 3 weeks ago I lost my black wristband.

And all of a sudden, my meaningless black wristband had a ton of meaning to me. Not intentionally, of course, but I started to catch myself noticing it wasn't on my wrist and then I would begin to remember everything I went through or experienced over the past year of my life.

It was like a chapter of my life could be defined as the chapter I wore this black hair tie on my wrist.
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To be honest I miss it; I don't want that chapter of my life to end.
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A couple great friendships grew and formed in this chapter.
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A couple relationships got off the ground but never went anywhere in this chapter.
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A lot of great times were shared with my core group of friends in this chapter.
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I lived in Upper Barclay for the first time in this chapter.
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I took a hiatus from theater in this chapter.
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I struggled with pacifism and government in this chapter.
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I broke a bone for the first time in my life in this chapter.
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I broke a bone for the second time in my life in this chapter.
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A lot of great books were read in this chapter.
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I spent my first summer in Canton in this chapter.
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I took the longest road trip of my life in this chapter.
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I hurt a lot of people in this chapter.
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A lot of people hurt me in this chapter.
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I loved a lot of people in this chapter.
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A lot of people loved me in this chapter.
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I had the internship of a lifetime in this chapter.
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The vision for Move groups came in this chapter.
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I pursued and ran from Jesus in this chapter.
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Jesus pursued me in this chapter.
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You were in this chapter.
Thank you.
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I'm going to miss that chapter.

Peace.

Notice The Difference

I was still unknown by sight to the churches of Judea which were in Christ; but only, they kept hearing, "He who once persecuted us is now preaching the faith which he once tried to destroy." And they were glorifying God because of me.

Galatians 1:22-24
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In this passage, Paul is recapping much of what he has done since the time he became a follow of Christ. He talks about how he had left many of his Jewish contemporaries in the dust and was also a wicked persecutor of the faith.

And then he talks about he was making his first visit to the churches in Judea.
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The reason this gets to interesting to me, is that Paul talks about how the churches Judea were completely unfamiliar to him by sight; they had only ever heard about how he was attempting to destroy the faith.

So let's recap for a second. We have Paul, a former Pharisee of Pharisees that was advancing far beyond many of his peers and also was rigorously pursuing Christians to put them to death. And now, he will go and visit Judea.
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What is so amazing to me about this passage is the reaction from the Judean church when they hear that Paul is coming to visit.

They begin to glorify God, not because they have seen Paul, but simply because they are aware of what his old ways were and what his current ways are. And it is night and day, ladies and gentlemen. Night and day.
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These believers had never even seen Paul, but they were rejoicing for the change of his heart and love given to him by the Spirit.

What is the chance that something like that happens to us on any kind of consistent basis?

I think that it happens a lot when we first come to follow Christ, right? At that point, the only thing on our mind is how do we follow Christ in a genuine way? What do we have to do to show the world that we have his Spirit?
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Maybe for you, you have never really not been a Christian. In that case, maybe the question you need to reflect on is when was the last time someone told you that you were a blessing to them? Maybe it was yesterday, and maybe you don't remember when the last time that was.
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If there was a time in your life when you did not follow Christ, then here is a question you can ask yourself: What can I do that will let me shine the brightest I can possibly shine in this world; that will make me look different?

The answer to that question may not be what you are looking for, and I'm not suggesting you need to go and leave everyone that God has put in your life behind. What I would say I am suggesting, is that if you look at where God has brought you at this point in your life, then take a look around and see where is that Christ's light needs to show up.
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Paul tells us about how the change in his life made people give glory to God simply because they heard about the change in his life. That's sweet.

One way I feel like that could apply to us, is to see if there is a way that we can do the kinds of things that Paul did and live with that kind of vigor so that we can help people see that light that Christ has put in us. And that question applies to anyone, whether you have just become a Christian or you have been going to church since you can remember.

What is it about you and the way you conduct yourself that is going to make people praise God that you chose to follow him?
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Peace.

Hell's Invitation

In his book, Sex God, Rob Bell talks about how big the implications of our actions actually are. We hardly ever realize it and we allow ourselves to think as if we are unimportant and we are unable to actually make an impact.

Rob has this to say regarding that:

"With every decision, conversation, gesture, comment, action, and attitude, we’re inviting heaven or hell to earth."
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Obviously Rob believes that our actions actually carry HUGE implications in the spiritual realm of our world. And I think he is completely right.

It is funny because we will so often act as if the things we do, even when we know they are wrong, don't matter because we can't make a difference. But by the same token, if we are trying to do something good or honorable, we want the praise and we want to be noticed for the fact we are attempting to make a difference and positive impact in our world. I guess we just can't make up our mind whether we are instrumental or we don't matter at all.

I'm pretty sure we are instrumental.
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In any case, I think that something we really need to recognize is just how influential we are in the world and what our responsibility as Christ follows will always be: Bring the Kingdom to earth.

If that is true, then everything we do (gestures, decisions, thoughts, comments, attitudes) will bring either more of Heaven or more of Hell to our world.

We are so much more influential than we ever want to accept.
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I want to add something to what Rob said in his book (which by the way, if you have not read Sex God, you must. It is literally amazing. One of the best books I've ever read).

Not only do we create a world which more resembles either God's eternal presence or His eternal absence, but we have the ability to create and sustain an atmosphere around us that affects everyone we come in contact with. We create something that is painful and frustrating and sorrowful; and it follows us wherever we go.

Not only do we create that kind of an environment for the people we interact with; we create it for ourselves, too.

We have the ability to make our lives a living hell, and everyone who is reading this right now knows exactly what I am talking about. We make decisions and do or say things that not only make it Hell for people to interact with us, but we make it Hell to be us. We invite Hell, not only into this world, but we invite it into our hearts and our persons.

And trust me, as fallen beings, we are fantastic at harboring Hell deep within ourselves.
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So this is what I suggest. Pursue the Kingdom. Spend time with Christ and ask Him to fill you. We cannot do this alone, and we do not have to. Not anymore.

When Christ is thriving within us, then pursuing the Kingdom is our truest desire, and He will speak how it is we should do that to us. We just need to listen.

But take heart. We don't have to make those decisions alone. We have a wonderful loving savior who is willing to walk right next to us, every single step of the way.
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"My old self has been crucified with Christ. For is it no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me."

Galatians 2:20
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Peace.

Another Fall

I haven't posted in about a month, and for that I apologize.

I have been really busy, I promise.
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It is a new fall semester, and this one is pretty busy. I have 2 music lessons, 4 classes, CA stuff going on, small group stuff going on, a nearly-daily workout routine, and a pseudo social life. I'm also on the market to be involved with some sort of theater on campus, which is something I really do want to get back into. It's a balance that I'm learning is pretty tough to maintain.

Balance is so hard, but it is also the key.
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I've come to see something weird in my perspective toward a lot of things nowadays. I feel like I have been here at Malone for 2 years, and I have gone through a lot of phases where I cared a lot about this or that or this or that... I have tried to keep my hand on top of everything and stressed myself out about a lot of different things. I think that at this point I have come to understand myself well enough that I know what it is I need to stay on top of and what it is I don't need to care about or get worked up about anymore.

Does that make sense at all?

It's just like, I've been here for 2 years now, and I have stressed about not going to chapel, or not doing every single reading for every single class, or not working ahead, or anything else I could worry about. But I think that now I have gotten to a point where I have a good handle on what is worth stressing about and what isn't.

And here is my conclusion: Most things aren't worth stressing about... At all.
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I think that is a good thing a bad thing. Becoming apathetic normally isn't a good thing, but I just look at it as really understanding my priorities. I do feel bad that some things are getting the shaft, but really it just is what it is. I just can't handle anything more at the moment.

At the end of the day, I'm not even a month into the semester, so there is still a lot to figure out, but I'm just going on down the road. If I see you along the way, make sure you say hi.
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Peace.

Looking Through A Different Lens

I feel like I am starting to struggle to see people through the same lens as God.  Not all the time, but I am noticing my struggle.

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It is easier to not see people in that lens because they don't matter to you as much.  You don't feel this wicked amount of compassion being ripped from you all the time.  You don't want to be or feel as invested in everyone.  

And, as a consequence of caring or not caring for someone, they don't have the ability to hurt you as much.

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But I would rather hurt and be You, Lord, than heal and be me.  Always.

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"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour.  If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it."

-C.S. Lewis

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."

-1 Peter 4:8

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Peace.

Just Friends

Most of us have been in a place or gone through the experience where imagining being "just friends" with someone we deeply care about fills us with disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, depression, hurt, and tons of other painful emotions that drag us down.

Those experiences suck.  They suck bad.

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In those relationships, the other person does not want to commit to you in a way that makes your relationship more serious because their feelings and attachment to you doesn't reflect yours.  Well why does that make a difference?  It makes a huge difference, as we all know, because in relationships there is an aspect of mutuality and responsibility both parties share.  You are responsible to him/her and she/he is responsible to you; and you both want it that way.

That is one of the things that makes relationships so beautiful; mutuality.  You both want what it is you have with each other.  At least, you want it enough to stay in it and work through things and hopefully have something that is really rewarding and amazing.  (Granted, that is not always how it looks, but for the sake of my point I'll stick to the more positive side of things.)

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So, when you get into a relationship with a person, you have the responsibility to not hurt that person.  That person has handed you their heart and now they trust you to keep it and not kill it.  Sometimes, rejecting their heart because you are not up for that responsibility doesn't make things not hurt, its just a different stage of the process that brought about the pain; it came sooner than later.

Rob Bell, in his book  Sex God, wrote that when we love another person and want to pursue something romantic with them, we are handing our heart to them.  When they turn us down, the reason it aches and hurts so bad deep inside is because we offered a piece of ourselves to them and they rejected it.  That hurts.  That hurts bad.

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How often do you think that we tell God we want to stay "just friends" with Him? 

I gotta tell you, I think that God loves us so much that He chases after us and pursues us constantly.  I think a lot of times God asks us to have a very intimate and deep relationship with him, but we freeze.  We will stop dead in our tracks, because we don't want that responsibility.  Some of us think that we can't handle the responsibility, and some of us just don't want to be that tied down.  Being good friends is much safer.  

The more casual our relationship with God the more insulated we feel from our responsibility to Him.

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Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, we can't really side step what our relation to God is.  When it comes down to it, we can put it off and stall and make as many excuses as we want, but we were made to be in an intimate relationship with God.  It is simply in our design as creatures.  

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It is a crushing blow to love someone and have them reject your heart and hand it back to you.  Love is just a dangerous game.  C.S. Lewis wrote that the only place we will ever escape all the dangers of love outside of Heaven will be Hell.  Since we aren't in Heaven and we are hopefully not on the way to Hell, love is always going to be here and it is always going to be dangerous and tough.  That is just the way our world works.  But even still, loving is the most rewarding thing and, ultimately, the most Christ-like thing many of us will ever do in this world.

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I'm not sure if you remember what it feels like to be told that someone didn't want to have a relationship that was anything more than friends with you, when you clearly had feelings that were much stronger than friendship.  If you don't know from experience, let me tell you that it is crushing.  It can cripple you.

So now take a look at your relationship with God.  We all know where He stands and what His feelings toward us are.  We all know how much He loves us; so much that He died for us.  But what are you saying back to Him?  That is what really matters.  We can't change God and how He pursues us or the fact that He loves us.  All we can do is change our response to His love.

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"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.  If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels." - Rob Bell

Peace.