Confessions Of A Pessimist

I enjoy it when I learn things about myself; the good and the bad.  It is one of the most rewarding things to have this incredible epiphany or realization about yourself as a person.  The "a-ha" moment.  I had one of those moments the other night and I sent my friend a letter that kinda outlines where I'm coming from.  This is that letter.  Enjoy.

(I have deleted all the names of people in the letter that I was referring to.  Just fyi.)

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Me and [BLANK] always talk about how I’m a pessimist... I hate the fact I’m a pessimist. I just kinda don’t expect good things to happen to me.  Maybe that is why I try really hard to be a good guy because maybe I’ll earn my way into God’s good graces and good things will happen to me that will make me fulfilled and happy. I just, for some reason, ever since I wrote that blog, am convinced that I am selfish for trying to be everything I want to be. I want to be humble and selfless but I am so riddled with wants and desires. I feel like I have sunk my claws into what I want so deeply and for so long that I don’t know how to let go. I don’t remember what its like to not have those desires. I think maybe everything I've done has always been for me to try and get those things I’ve wanted and now letting go is the most painful and convicting and crippling thing I’ve ever done.

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I get on this tirade because I was just talking to [BLANK] and I was trying to have a deep, encouraging, loving, and I'm-here-for-you-because-you-are-my-friend conversation with them and immediately jumped to asking them what in their life they are struggling with and what has been difficult for them and stuff.  I think I partly jumped to that because I know [BLANK] is convicted about some things and trying to grow and I'm praying for him/her and I want them to be better and such, and I just want to be there for them.  At the same time, I’ve realized that with you and him/her, and everyone else, I just jump right to the bad in conversations so I can try to be there for them.  I always go fishing for the hurt in peoples lives. I do it with you and [BLANK] and [BLANK] and [BLANK], and with [BLANK] and [BLANK] I’ve seen them both retract from that a little bit. [BLANK] told me tonight that he/she had been feeling good over the last week and just didn’t want to talk about the things that make him/her feel crappy. He/she didn’t want to bring them back to the surface, regardless of whether that would help him/her move forward or not (and maybe it wouldn’t have helped whatsoever).

I just feel like such a downer. I fish for the hurt so I can help people but sometimes people aren’t experiencing hurt, at least not like I am right now (or do so often). That’s so crappy of me to do.  Idk... this is just me thinking out loud and combining my pessimism with communications classes and my inability to celebrate the good things in my life.

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I have a lot of great things in my life right now. I have fantastic friendships with a handful of people, I have an amazing ministry internship, but all the while I am concentrated on what is hurting me and dragging me down and I ignore the blessings and find it impossible to praise and be thankful when I feel any kind of substantial hurt.

I wish I was a more balanced person. I’m not. I’m pure pessimism.

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Some people are so good at celebrating God's goodness and his gifts and everything they have.  It’s almost like I see all those things and I’m expecting God to take them all away from me at any moment because I don’t deserve them. I know I don’t, no one does; we can’t deserve anything we have. That’s what makes grace so beautiful. Maybe I just need to get over my pride and stop feeling guilty for accepting grace and just celebrate the gift of it. Maybe that isn’t even the case... I don’t know.  This is just me thinking.  I’m telling you because I'd like to have you understand me when I can seem really inconsistent.

THE END

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Hopefully you guys might be able to understand me a little better too. 

Peace.

Things I Want To Be When Grow Up

(In alphabetical order)

Authentic

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Caring

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Disciple

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Empathetic

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Genuine

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Graceful

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Honest

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Loving

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Reflective

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Transparent

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Wise

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What I did not put up on that list were the words "Happy" or "Selfish."  Odd, really.  I say that because I want to be all those things listed above because I hope/believe that embodying those characteristics will bring me a life and guide me down a path that makes me "Happy" or is at least "Fulfilling."  That seems like an awfully "Selfish" motivation, doesn't it?

Drivin' With The Windows Down

Ya know what I love?  I love summer days when I drive around with the window down and feel the breeze while I have something playing in the stereo that just makes feel like summer is a good time and I should just enjoy this car ride.  

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Driving around in the summer with Goo Goo Dolls playing and the window down... oh man it doesn't get any better.

The Four Loves

I'm a big quote guy.  I love quotes.  Whenever I read a book, I try to get a lot of quotes to walk away from it with.

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I just read a book by C.S. Lewis called The Four Loves.  It was good.  Here are some quotes from the book.

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"Those who cannot conceive Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elaboration of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend."

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"Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had: to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travelers on the same quest, have all a common vision."

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"The little knots of Friends who turn their backs on the 'World' are those who really transform it."

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"The mark of perfect Friendship is not that help will be given when the pinch comes (of course it will) but that, having been given, it makes no difference at all."

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"In a perfect Friendship this Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before all the rest.  Sometimes he wonders what he is doing there among his betters.  He is lucky beyond desert to be in such company.  Especially when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funnies in all the others."

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"For we all wish to be judged by our peers, by the men 'after our own heart.'  Only they really know our mind and judge it by standards we fully acknowledge.  Theirs is the praise we really covet and the blame we really dread."

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"The gnat-like cloud of petty anxieties and decisions about the conduct of the next hour have interfered with my prayers more often than any passion or appetite whatever."

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"For it is the very mark of Eros that when he is in us we had rather share unhappiness with the Beloved than be happy on any other terms."

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"It is as if Christ said to us through Eros, 'Thus—just like this—with this prodigality—not counting the cost—you are to love me and the least of my brethren'"

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"The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

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"Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness."

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"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour.  If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it."

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"It is probably impossible to love any human being simply 'too much.'  We may love him too much in proportion to our love for God; but it is the smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes inordinacy…But the question whether we are loving God or the earthly Beloved 'more' is not, so far as concerns our Christian duty, a question about the comparative intensity of two feelings.  The real question is, which (when the alternative comes) do you serve, or choose, or put first?  To which claim does your will, in the last resort yield?"

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"We were made for God.  Only by being in some respect like Him, only by being a manifestation of His beauty, loving-kindness, wisdom or goodness, has any earthly Beloved excited our love."

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Ahh, good ol' Clive Staples.

Peace.

Time Numbs

I've heard people say, "Time heals all wounds."  I don't think that is true.

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I have been through my fair share of painful and tough times.  I don't think time has ever helped me heal over the things that have happened, it had just numbed me from feeling the same fresh and familiar pain. Time has made me apathetic.  

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I don't think time heals; I think it just numbs us.  I don't feel like I am healing.  I am just becoming numb.

Summer, Summer

So that bittersweet summer I was talking about is here. It certainly does have its ups and downs.

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I have been pretty busy with my internship at Rivertree and working in the theater at Malone. Sunday was the day I moved in to Gram's here back at Canton. I really enjoy living here at Gram's and it feels good to be back in Canton. Something about western PA just didn't feel like it was as much home as Canton is to me now. It's hard to explain. It is almost like outside of my family and a small handful of friends and people from high school, there isn't anything (or anyone) for me out there. Back here is another family and whole lot of friends. This is becoming home more and more as time passes. Its a somewhat difficult transition but I do like it.

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Monday I went down to the theater and got my timecard. Jim (my boss at the theater) gave me the summary of everything that needs to be done once the summer is over. The best thing about that gig is that I can go down there whenever it is convenient to me. I have keys to get in and I know what needs to be done... just gotta do it.

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I started at Rivertree on tuesday. Tuesday and wednesday were consumed by time spent with Toby (the guy I work with at Rivertree) and time spent at the church in general. It was all really awesome. I got the tour of the building and did some brainstorming with Toby about what all I am going to be involved in this summer. I got to meet a ton of people on staff, about 1/6 of whose names I remember. Everyone has been really awesome. Then I had a brainstorming meeting with some others on staff, which was a cool experience. Me and Toby ended the first day by going to the batting cages and just talking some more about my assignments this summer.

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Wednesday me and Toby went to a seminar in Hartville about small groups and how they should look in churches if they are going to change lives. I was able to take some cool things away from the 7 hours I was there. Later that night I went to a leadership meeting about how to have conversations with people about Jesus and faith if the other person doesn't have any particular religious interest. I hate to talk about evangelism sometimes because there is almost this inherent judgment that comes with the word "evangelism" that I really try to avoid. But I suppose if you have the right kind of established relationship with the person that you are talking to then everything would be okay. That's kinda what the meeting was about. It was good.

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Yesterday I just went to Malone and worked at the theater for most of the day. Gonna try to do the same today. Yesterday did have an awesomely pleasant surprise. Nikki came to visit Tim and me and her got to just hang out for a couple hours here at Gram's. Really cool. Good times.

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I am reading The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. I like it a lot so far. Once I get more into it I might blog more about it. There are a small handful of books I want to read this summer:

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis,

Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus,

Mere Christianity (rereading it) by C.S. Lewis,

Sex God by Rob Bell,

Starving Jesus by Craig Gross,

The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian McLaren

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Well this is just a boring update. Maybe I'll have something more to say soon. Keep in touch and God Bless

-Nick

Peace

God grant me peace.

I don't want to want, I just want to be in your will.  I know if your will is my will then I may have peace.  I dont want to want anymore.  I'd just like some peace.

I am terrified when I say "peace" what I really mean is happiness.  For some reason it just seems so selfish for me to ask you for happiness.  That seems too bias; seems to lack objectivity.  I hope that is not what I mean.  

I hope I can have a level of happiness in my life knowing that I am doing your will and I am at peace with that.  Maybe they are complimentary, or maybe I'm just phrasing things in a clever way to make myself feel better.  

I do want to be happy, but if that's not really a good thing to ask for I would settle for some peace.  If peace is not a good thing to ask for... then I guess I'll wait till I'm in a position to ask for something better.  Maybe objectivity in my own introspection.  Who knows, maybe I have too much of that as it is.

Help.  Give me whatever you know I need.  We both know I can't decide what that is.

Peace, God Bless

The Problem of Prayer

I was talking to a friend of mine from back home the other day about how I have a very heady and over-sensible faith.

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I didn't grow up in the church so before I became a Christian when I was around 15 I wasn't bringing any preconceived notions or perceptions of who God was with me. I didn't grow up being spoon fed anything about God or Christianity; God was rarely, if ever, a topic of discussion in my house.

With that being the case, hopefully you can sympathize with the fact that everything about the faith has always had to make sense to me, in one way or another. That doesn't mean that I have to understand why things happen and stuff like that. It just means that whenever I started to take the faith seriously I had a thought process that went something like this: "If this is going to be my religion and this is going to be my faith, then it is going to mean something to me. It doesn't make any sense to even bother with this whole deal unless this is something that I'm going to really let impact me." At that point, it didn't make any sense to me to start believing and investing who I was as a person in something that didn't teach things that resonated with me as true. Luckily, the gospel has turned out to be the most relevant entity I have ever been exposed to.

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The main thing my friend and I were talking about was how I have trouble with prayer sometimes (maybe a little more than sometimes).

I have a really hard time sometimes because I get to the point where I feel like I "know" this is true or that is true. I "know" God is with me and He loves me and He isn't going to ever give me anything I can't make it through. If that is the case, then it doesn't even matter what this whole sucky thing I am dealing with right now is, because it will pan out and ill be okay, regardless of the result.

You can imagine that if I honestly look at things that way on a consistent basis, sometimes prayer isn't what it should be for me. If I "know" all of that then I always seem to slip into this mindset where I think it can seem so pointless to pray and look for encouragement and such. I wind up telling myself that I just need to suck it up and keep going and I'll be okay. At the end of the day, God will be with me and things will be fine regardless of how bad things hurt. It doesn't even matter the outcome of the situation because I "know" He will take care of me. I just "know."

That kind of approach to prayer can really hurt the relationship with me and God; it almost renders prayer useless, at least when I'm looking for God to give me comfort and just be there for me like He loves me.

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I "know" God loves me, and that might even be another issue in the situation. It is almost like I have so much confidence in God that I feel that every time I get upset or get down on myself that it is foolish to take it to God because I already know He loves me and asking Him "why?" isn't going to get me anywhere. Maybe I'll never know why, and I'm okay with that. Maybe I won't know why for a long long time, and I'm okay with that too. Maybe the answer to why is simply that we are in a fallen world and God's will is not always done, but even then I "know" that He will work through the worst situations I ever experience.

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The obvious response in these situations, it looks like, is just to praise God even when I'm hurt and upset and feel like what's happening doesn't make sense. The sad fact is that I am not that strong. I am too bitter and proud to praise God during my struggles.

As hypocritical as ever, I can "know" God will lead me through and take care of me but simultaneously refuse to praise Him until He literally does it.

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There is just something about that that doesn't seem right to me. It seems like I'm not doing things the right way somewhere along the path. Maybe this just makes me normal, maybe this is an issue many Christians struggle with and work through. Maybe my conviction just gets the better of me when I feel like my prayer life isn't what it should be. I say that because sometimes it really doesn't feel like it should; it lacks the genuineness I want between me and my Father.

Maybe this really is normal, but good God it sure does hurt.

Heaven forbid I pray about it... right?

Just An Update

Today is my birthday. It doesn't feel very special. That seems sad.  I'm 20. Teen years are gone.

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I want to start writing more. I want to write stories and plays again. I miss them.

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I want to act more in the future. I miss it. I don't miss the process sometimes, but I miss performing. I miss some of the people.

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Things aren't fantastic right now. Things are really hard. They suck pretty bad some days.

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Finals are coming up. I'm not really worried about them.

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School is almost over. It is one of the most bittersweet situations I may have ever experienced it.  I think it will be good and so hard at the same time. That's life.

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Summer is almost here. Summer should be good. Once I really get into the swing of things I think it is going to be great. It will be tough in the beginning.

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God is God.  Things don't make sense.  That is life.  God is God and life is life.  I wish I had the eyes to really see the blessings in my life whenever all I can seem to focus on are the things that hurt.  I know He is here.  I know He is here.  Sometimes I just don't see it.

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Thanks for being in my life.  If you read my blog, chances are you matter a lot to me because I've asked you to read.  Blog reading is not as popular a pastime at Malone as a blogger might hope.  If you're reading this then you matter to me, most likely.  Thanks for being there.

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God Bless

Top 5 Fears

Does admitting your fears to someone make you vulnerable?  Does it mean you are just really good friends with them?  Maybe it's both.  I mean, I have always thought that the closer you are with a person the more vulnerable you become within that relationship.

In any case, I've decided to blog my top 5 fears.  Maybe this means that I'm trying to become closer to you, my faithful blog readers.  Maybe I'm trying to take that "next step" in the relationship.  Stop me if I'm going too fast; I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

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Number 5 - Big things.  I am talking really really big things.  Skyscrapers don't scare me; for some reason I trust them.  But I do live near a nuclear power plant back home in PA.  There are these gigantic smokestacks that are connected to the plant.  Whenever I drive by these awkward shaped smoke stacks I immediately become uncomfortable.  It's kinda like I'm riding a roller coaster only instead of going down a big hill I think the stack is going to fall on me and kill me.  It's a slightly less gratifying experience.

Number 4- Bugs.  I hate bugs.  Not the individual fly that is buzzing around the room.  But I hate the thought of bugs on me or surrounding me.  I knew watching those specials on bees on National Geographic when I was a kid was going to come back to get me... I hate gross, nasty-looking bugs.

Number 3 - The ocean.  This is kinda connected to number 5, since the main reason I am TERRIFIED of the ocean is because it is so big.  You cannot trust the ocean.  I repeat, you CANNOT trust it.  You can't even see all the stuff that is in it!  There are animals and stuff in the ocean that are so big.  Whales scare the crap out of me.  They are just so big that they could come out of the water and smash me and wouldn't even notice or care.  Stupid whales.  If I was on an awesome cruise ship with a ton of other people I might feel better, but thats no guarantee either.  Ever hear of the Titanic?  Leo DiCaprio is more than willing to educate you if you haven't.

Number 2 - Family dying.  This might be a surprise to some of you considering I am not as close to my immediate family as so many people here at Malone are.  Even still, the thought of either of my parents or my sister dying is a scary scary thought for me.  When I would have wicked bad anxiety attacks as a kid, the big fear that always took me over was that either my sister or one of my parents would die.  If I ever have a family of my own, I'm sure this fear will shift so that they are part of the focus as well.  I'm not trying to say that pretty much everyone doesn't share this fear, but I guess because for such a long time it was something that crossed my mind so frequently that it is kinda imprinted on my mind.

Number 1 - God will call me to do something that I really don't want to do and it will cost me the people that mean the most to me.  This is possibly the most selfish fear that I think anyone could possibly have. Nice job Nick...

I always think about this time in high school that I stood up for the right thing and it made a lot of people who I was pretty close to upset.  Really upset.  I guess that I have this fear that God's call for my life is not necessarily going to connected to happiness.  Do I believe God wants us to be happy? Absolutely.  Do I believe that God gives some people a calling and puts them in places to be his hands and feet in ways that are not particularly filled with joy?  Absolutely.  God's will is ultimately what is best, I know this.  I just don't want to move forward before I'm ready; I don't want to leave the people who mean so much to me behind.  But if God tells me that I'm ready, then I'm ready.  I know I'll be okay in any situation God puts me in, it is just really easy to get so wrapped up in the people and environment we are always around that we can't imagine anything else being as stable or filled with blessings as this.  That kind of thinking is not very sound; I mean, who knows how amazing and unpredictable my future is.  

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But I guess that is what makes a fear a fear; the whole part that it is not necessarily rational.

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Fears are a funny funny thing.  The more and more I talk about them, the less and less threatening they seem.  Even if they don't make sense, they are a part of who I am for the time being.

"Hi, I'm Nick."

"Hi Nick." (In unison)

"I'm a 19 year old college kid afraid of big smokestacks, bugs, the ocean, my parents dying, and God's call for me."

(Applause)